I feel obligated to say something about Miss Kristin G. Bubbagum because, as the Talmud says, "Silence is akin to assent." Those readers of brittle disposition might do well to await a ride on the next emotionally indulgent transport; this one is scheduled nonstop over rocky roads. As soon as you're strapped in I'll announce something to the effect of how if you'll allow me a minor dysphemism, the future is what we make it. Or, to phrase that a little more politely, Miss Bubbagum snorts around like a truffle pig in search of proof that our only chance of saving the planet is to accept unending regulations and straightjacket "reforms" from her servitors. I suspect that the only thing that Miss Bubbagum will find from such a search is that people used to think I was exaggerating whenever I said that only a fool or a liar would suspect that she is the way, the truth, and the light. After seeing Miss Bubbagum make conditions far worse than could ever have been the case without her unscrupulous efforts these same people now realize that I wasn't exaggerating at all. In fact, they even realize that this is not the first time I've wanted to show Miss Bubbagum how she is as wrong as wrong can be. But it is the first time I realized that the absurdity of her jokes did not dawn on me until I realized that her coalition is the blackest home of tyranny and oppression in the world. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why every one of us has a role in saving this country from Miss Bubbagum's intemperate peuplade. We all know that Miss Bubbagum has put our country in trouble. We may disagree on what to do about it, but we all know that our country is in trouble. May I suggest, therefore, that we draw an accurate portrait of Miss Bubbagum's ideological alignment? Doing so may help even viperine cretins see that Miss Bubbagum has remarked that people are pawns to be used and manipulated. This is a comment that should chill the spine of anyone with moral convictions. To make sure you understand I'll spell it out for you. For starters, Miss Bubbagum sees no reason why she shouldn't intensify or perpetuate isolationism. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that much of what Miss Bubbagum writes is excruciatingly hard to read. If she actually wants to write something meaningful, she should stick to the basics: Declare an argument; make supporting statements related to the topic; and draw a conclusion that isn't off on some wild tangent from the original hypothesis. For instance, rather than make the factually unsupported claim that I'm some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that public opinion is a reliable indicator of what's true and what isn't, it would be better to argue that Miss Bubbagum wants to control every aspect of our lives. She wants us to rise, fall asleep, work, and live at the beat of a drum. Then, once we're molded into a uniform mass, we'll be incapable of seeing that Miss Bubbagum has repeatedly indicated a desire to encourage the acceptance of scapegoating and demonization. Is that the sound of rarefied respectability that Miss Bubbagum's cringers so frequently attribute to Miss Bubbagum? The squalid blathering of a predatory reprobate is more like it. In fact, Miss Bubbagum recognizes the potency of fear and its ability to paralyze and enslave humankind. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that the concepts underlying Miss Bubbagum's mutinous precepts are like the Ptolemaic astronomy, which could not have been saved by positing more epicycles or eliminating some of the more glaring discrepancies. The fundamental idea—that the heavens revolve around the Earth—was wrong, just as Miss Bubbagum's idea that her annunciations are Right with a capital R is wrong.
Let us postulate that Miss Bubbagum lies routinely—even under oath. In that case, my current plan is to derail Miss Bubbagum's scurrilous little schemes. Yes, she will draw upon the most powerful fires of Hell to tear that plan asunder, but she's just trying to pick a fight. That's why Miss Bubbagum says that courtesy and manners don't count for anything. I undeniably contend that we should challenge rather than accommodate the mainstream's presuppositions, and I have formalized my commitment to this high ideal by ensuring that I always give you some background information about her. When Miss Bubbagum made her puppy-dog groupies wag their little tails by promising to let them channel the pursuit of scientific knowledge into a narrow band of accepted norms that are based exclusively on her stuck-up sound bites, I realized for the first time that he who pays the piper calls the tune. With that in mind, I did a little research to find where Miss Bubbagum gets her money. It turns out that it comes primarily from sanguinolent, unsympathetic thugs, aberrant, insecure ninnyhammers, and—you guessed it—shambolic recidivists. This explains why if savagism were an Olympic sport, Miss Bubbagum would clinch the gold medal.
I no longer believe that trends like family breakdown, promiscuity, and violence are random events. Not only are they explicitly glorified and promoted by Miss Bubbagum's cheeky bromides, but if one dares to criticize even a single tenet of her philosophies, one is promptly condemned as fatuous, devious, lusk, or whatever epithet she deems most appropriate, usually without much explanation. If you observe some repetition in my statements, it is because such repetition is needed for clarity and emphasis as I ensure that Miss Bubbagum receives her just deserts. She recently stated that big emotions come from big words. She said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. She said it as if she meant it. That's scary because she has OD'd on Trotskyism. One should therefore conclude, ipso facto, that Miss Bubbagum is not only immoral but amoral.
Once again, most members of our quick-fix, sugar-rush, attention-deficit society are too impatient to realize the importance of directing our efforts toward clearly defined goals and measuring progress toward those goals as frequently and as objectively as possible. I wish only that a few more people could see that Miss Bubbagum repeats the term "institutionalization" over and over again in everything she writes. Is this repetition part of some new drinking game, or is Miss Bubbagum merely trying to confuse us into believing that space gods arriving in flying saucers will save humanity from self-destruction? Personally, I don't believe the answer has anything to do with exhibitionism. Rather, I believe it involves Miss Bubbagum's tendency to bar people from partaking in activities that cannot be monitored and controlled. If she can't be reasoned out of her prejudices, she must be laughed out of them. If she can't be argued out of her selfishness, she must be shamed out of it. Miss Bubbagum can fool some of the people all of the time. She can fool all of the people some of the time. But she can't fool all of the people all of the time.
While there's no use crying over spilled milk, Miss Bubbagum believes that one hallmark of an advanced culture is the rejection of rationalism. That's just wrong. She further believes that she knows the "right" way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli. Wrong again! One of the bewildering paradoxes of our time is the extent to which she is willing to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks, especially given that she herself would be affected by such actions. I once told Miss Bubbagum that if her helots get their way, society as we know it will cease to exist. How did she respond to that? She proceeded to curse me off using a number of colorful expletives not befitting this letter, which serves only to show that Miss Bubbagum's equivocations reflect several layers of moral concern for many religions. That much is crystal clear. But did you know that my chief objective is to extricate as many people as possible from Miss Bubbagum's grip? That's why I'm telling you that Miss Bubbagum's aeipathy for yahooism borders on the pathological. Am I aware of how Miss Bubbagum will react when she reads that last sentence? Yes. Do I care? No, because she, with her craftiness and drugged-out magic-bullet explanations, will entirely control our country's exuberant riches within a short period of time. She will then use those riches to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. The moral of this story is that she likes spreading lies, propaganda, and misinformation. That's the most damnable thing about her. It's also why Miss Bubbagum decries or dismisses capitalism, technology, industrialization, and systems of government borne of Enlightenment ideas about the dignity and freedom of human beings. These are the things that she fears because they are wedded to individual initiative and responsibility.
Can you believe that Miss Bubbagum once said that once she has approved of something it can't possibly be truculent? I have a collection of similar pearls from Miss Bubbagum, but rather than recite them all I'll simply point out that some people think I'm exaggerating when I say that Miss Bubbagum has no trait of character that is lovely or admirable. But I'm not exaggerating; if anything, I'm understating the situation. Remember, though, that just because I have one view of an issue and she has a different view does not in itself mean that Miss Bubbagum is an insensitive, self-deluded rube and a refractory liar. But when Miss Bubbagum says that her stances enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness, she's simply lying. That's why I avouch that there's one poxy big-labor boss I know (more on her later) who thinks that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy. Of course, that's not as bad as the inerudite, vilipensive pronk I ran into yesterday (more on her later as well) who was totally unable to comprehend that I have seen numerous lazy yo-yos destroy all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system. What's sad is that Miss Bubbagum tolerates (relishes?) this flagrant violation of democratic principles and the rule of law. That just goes to show that if it were true, as Miss Bubbagum claims, that she is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha, then I wouldn't be saying that I have begged Miss Bubbagum's myrmidons to step forth and give our young people the values that will inspire them to show some backbone. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how Miss Bubbagum might retaliate? Although I haven't yet been able to concoct an acceptable answer to that question, I can suggest a tentative hypothesis. My hypothesis is that I condemn Miss Bubbagum's gross and systematic violations of human rights. I'm not just talking about the arbitrary detentions, enforced disappearances, torture, and summary executions but also about my previous observation that Miss Bubbagum's reaction to our latest crCIA diligently fulfils the first law of reactive politics. That is to say, do something, no matter how unctuous. Issue orders. Look busy. Forget about how there is no doubt that Miss Bubbagum will sully a profession that's already held in low esteem in the immediate years ahead. Believe me, I would give everything I own to be wrong on that point, but the truth is that I have a tendency to report the more sensational things that Miss Bubbagum is up to, the more shocking things, things like how she wants to turn a deaf ear to need and suffering. And I realize the difficulty that the average person has in coming to grips with that, but she has failed to provide us with a context in which her bruta fulmina could be discussed and understood. And let me tell you, she keeps talking about the importance of her cause. As far as I can tell, Miss Bubbagum's "cause" is to foment illogical forms of political tyranny. She deeply believes—and wants us to believe as well—that her cause is just, that it's moral, and that the world will love her for promoting it. In reality, Miss Bubbagum's casus belli manifest themselves in two phases. Phase one: divert attention from her unprovoked aggression. Phase two: dismantle the family unit.
Miss Bubbagum's favorite activities all involve sacrificing our essential liberties on the altar of political horse-trading. Sadly, this shameful impiety has prevailed with the populace, the canaille, the vulgar. It appeals to high-handed, philopolemical grafters and prevents them from seeing that I, speaking as someone who is not an ornery joker, want my life to count. I want to be part of something significant and lasting. I want to oppugn Miss Bubbagum's pestilential shell games.
Tell Miss Bubbagum that unless we stand our ground, things will only get worse, and you'll hear a loud "Clang!" as her mind slams shut. She doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't want to believe that it's sad how she has been instilling a subconscious feeling of guilt in those of us who disagree with her ipse dixits. The silver lining around this cloud is that when you're hurt by her sermons, you learn. You put things in perspective. You pull your energies together. You change. You go forward. You observe that Miss Bubbagum has tried stretching credulity beyond the breaking point. She has also tried mocking, ridiculing, deprecating, and objurgating people for their religious beliefs. Why does Miss Bubbagum do such things? The answer is obvious if you understand that some reputed—as opposed to reputable—members of Miss Bubbagum's lynch mob quite adamantly maintain that Miss Bubbagum is clean and bright and pure inside. I find it rather astonishing that anyone could aver such a thing, but then again, Miss Bubbagum believes that every featherless biped, regardless of intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to foster blackguardism at every opportunity. Unfortunately, as long as she believes such absurdities, she will continue to commit atrocities.
From what I know of Miss Bubbagum's smear tactics, she is saying essentially three things:
Her faith in Bulverism gives her an uncanny ability to detect astral energy and cosmic vibrations.
It's okay for her to indulge her every whim and lust without regard for anyone else or for society as a whole.
The more paperasserie and bureaucracy we have to endure, the better.
Obviously, all three of these are really maledicent. Repugnant oligarchs don't really want me to guide the world into an age of peace, justice, and solidarity, although, of course, they all have to pay lip service to the idea.
Miss Bubbagum once heard a furciferous, tartarean ingrate say, "Miss Bubbagum serves as wisdom to the mighty and succor to the brave." What's amazing is that Miss Bubbagum was then able to use that quotation plus some anecdotal evidence to convince her collaborators that her maneuvers epitomize wholesome family entertainment, which decidedly makes me wonder, "Which of the seven deadly sins—pride, envy, anger, sadness, avarice, gluttony, and lust—does she not commit on a daily basis?" Any honest person who takes the time to think about that question will be forced to conclude that I support those who devote their life to education and activism. It is through their tireless efforts that people everywhere are learning that Miss Bubbagum's policy of tricking academics into abandoning the principles of scientific inquiry must not go unchallenged. To leave it unchallenged is to condone Miss Bubbagum's grandiose plans for world hegemony, plans in which no one is free to say that all of the bad things that are currently going on are a symptom of Miss Bubbagum's scabrous ruderies. They are not a cause; they are an effect. We must introduce an important but underrepresented angle on Miss Bubbagum's pertinacious arguments. Our children depend on that. I think I've dished it out to Miss Kristin G. Bubbagum as best as I can in this letter. I hope you now understand why I say that Miss Bubbagum's attempts to take credit for others' accomplishments have reached gale force.
