Okay, just to start off, if you think I'm here to attention whore, please exit now.
Now I've got that out of the way
Alright, this may or may not be a long wall of text, and I'm not even sure about everything I'm going to type at this precise moment, but here it goes.
As most of you know, I'm going to be a father soon, and more recently I am now officially engaged to my beautiful fiance. But lately I feel so, I don't know, and it scares me. Before I moved with my grandparents, where I live now, I lived with my father and step mother, my father was a severe alcoholic, and my step mother abused me. No I'm not here to complain about that, but it made my life hard, I was always stressed, I never fit in at school, I didn't know who to go to, where to turn. I pondered Self Delete many times in that house, but obviously I never actually went and did it, which I most likely never would. But my question is, why? Why didn't I? What scares me about death, I ask myself this many times, but I cannot find an answer. Anyways back on topic. I remember my first 'date' in 7th grade, me and her dated for about a week when she decided she wanted to return to her 'ex', keep in mind this was an immaturity relationship basis. I remember the exact, exact, song I listened to in hopes of getting over it, it was "Metallica - Nothing else returns". More-so recent, a later girlfriend, a one I did truly love, I'm not entirely sure was mutual. We dated about a week and a half, and I remember the songs I listened to then, "Drake - Headlines".
No I'm not talking about the songs themselves, rather the habit I have created. You see, when I listen to these songs, I immediately shut them off, I get this emotion inside of me that I cannot comprehend, it's not anger, not sorrow, not anything I can correctly identify. But it isn't just music, anything that goes badly or of that sort, I label it with some real, material thing, but when I want to return to that thing, it scares me. Sometimes I force myself to confront them, but the entire time I do, memories run through my head at the speed of light, and whatever I was listening to, or whatever, is over. Some of them I cannot even confront.
That is the first part.
The second part,
Since my dad moved in with my step mother, and the hell of being tortured by her every day, I can remember only small occasions of being angry. The reason? When I get truly, sincerely, angry, it scares me. I feel as though there is a hole inside me, filled by a black sphere of infinite mass, every ounce of which is pure hatred and anger. Every time I get the feeling I scare myself so badly I immediately remove myself from the situation. Yet when I want to use it for an advantage, or to burn it off, in sports or lifting or such, it's not there. Even the other day, someone told me "I can't picture you angry", because I always keep my cool, I'm not an emotional person, I rarely have a true expression on my face, and/or laugh.
That is the second part.
Finally,
To wrap up, don't bother saying 'you fear it', I've contemplated this, and I'm not a person easily intimidated, or scared, I stand ground against anything. That's why I don't understand, because fear is the only thing that comes to mind when I start thinking about both of these, but it cannot be it.
Thanks guys, I appreciate anything posted in this thread, negative or positive
