Post your funnies!
Here's the ones I've always liked that my dad has told me over time.
•A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice 'JESUS is watching you'. He looks around with his flashlight wandering 'What The HELL Was That?'. He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice ' JESUS is watching you'. He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ' Was that your voice?'. It said 'YES'. He then says 'What's your name?'. It says 'MOSES'. The burglar says ' What kind of person names his bird moses??' The parrot replys 'THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER 'JESUS'.
•A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, 'I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me.' so the woman replies, 'If you richard is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.'
•A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains 'Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.' She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks 'But what about the $1,000?' He replied 'Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them'
•A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy, what's your name?' 'Sam,' the man moaned. 'Where ya from, Sam?' With pain in his voice Sam replied 'The balcony.'
•A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says 'Humm, buffalo come'. The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, 'I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come'? and the Indian replies, 'ear sticky'.
Golly these jokes are horrible. Hopefully I can trust the forums to be funnier than myself.
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