The Pendulum - a story i'm starting

[hodototman]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xgvud1srB4s9rqn9fVvWH5IDbqn8U9FNTDY2U9AZRHU/edit?usp=sharing

you can read and watch me type through this link. Please post critique here.

The city of Greenlyn has been seemingly the only civilization (other than the enemy city Ghouligan) in this deserted world the people call Tetheren. The source of power here is a Pendulum so unimaginably large that it only reaches its peak of swinging once a year, and it has been here for an unknown amount of time. At this time (which lasts 2 days to a week) of no power, the city is vulnerable to attack by Ghouligan, as their defenses are down. At this time of no power, people are advised to stay in their homes and lock up. One year, though, they receive a longer period of no power, and they are in peril as to what could be causing this.

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[hodototman]

I'm stopping my work on it for tonight, will start back up tomorrow.

[Kimono]

oh the fremdschämen

[hodototman]

what

[Nasoa]

fremdshaemen is to feel ashamed for/with someone in a book

[hodototman]

fremdshaemen is to feel ashamed for/with someone in a book

oh thanks

[Bacon Pancakes]

Very nice descriptive language! It's really cool, when I write stories it's either really stupid or "And then she and he and then this and then that"

[Madmole]

Very nice descriptive language! It's really cool, when I write stories it's either really stupid or "And then she and he and then this and then that"

personally i think atm its a bit too descriptive, using big words too frequently. i hope theres less of it later on. it makes it hard to read.

[Katadeus]

personally i think atm its a bit too descriptive, using big words too frequently. i hope theres less of it later on. it makes it hard to read.

on the subject of wordy pendulum texts, read Foucault's Pendulum
insane
I managed to read it but it was like
I had to reread multiple pages at a time because I'd get lost in the description

[Jairo]

personally i think atm its a bit too descriptive, using big words too frequently. i hope theres less of it later on. it makes it hard to read.

on the subject of wordy pendulum texts, read Foucault's Pendulum
insane
I managed to read it but it was like
I had to reread multiple pages at a time because I'd get lost in the description

hence why I enjoy hemingway/vonnegut much more than, say, f. scott fitzgerald

they're more "use simple writing to convey large ideas" than "use large words to convey simple ideas"

much more fluent and overall cohesive imo

[Muslim]

personally i think atm its a bit too descriptive, using big words too frequently. i hope theres less of it later on. it makes it hard to read.

hence why I enjoy hemingway/vonnegut much more than, say, f. scott fitzgerald

they're more "use simple writing to convey large ideas" than "use large words to convey simple ideas"

much more fluent and overall cohesive imo

I agree with all of this especially since my dad writes stuff that's simplistic to be simplistic, it's poetry. I've always thought overly descriptive texts or overly poetic poems are boring and uncreative.

[hodototman]

i've added a few paragraphs, feel free to join me as i type.

i've also changed Holden's age to 12, it seems more logical to me.

adding the general idea for story to OP

[Skull Candy]

they're more "use simple writing to convey large ideas" than "use large words to convey simple ideas"

I like this, too.
It just makes the large ideas seem even larger.

[Jairo]

I like this, too.
It just makes the large ideas seem even larger.

even einstein said "if you can't explain something in simple terms, then you don't understand it"

so I guess that sort of reinforces why you should write simply instead of needlessly verbose

[Madmole]

even einstein said "if you can't explain something in simple terms, then you don't understand it"

so I guess that sort of reinforces why you should write simply instead of needlessly verbose

i dont mean he shouldnt use explicit and descriptive text, i just mean he should space that stuff out, perhaps at the start of every chapter to build a scene. right now its a bit heavy and is bulging around the sides.

he should still use metaphors and interesting phrases, just not so that it makes you have to re-read it to get what it means.