I wish I could give you some positive feedback, but quite honestly I can't think of anything.
I can think of a few edits that are necessary
"Ever since I was born I wanted to be active but not like this. I know what happened recently on this mountain but I never believed it. I never knew
mount killermanjaro (
The mountain is called Mount Kilimanjaro unless you are making up a place, in which it should be properly capitalized as it is a proper noun) could actually kill someone.
I am dead? (
Sounds more like a statement, try "Am I dead?") No
, that cant be (
Either needs an elipses[...] or a comma) what about the screams I hear
... (
Doesn't work here with the elipses, use a question mark instead) I'm only 16
, or ... I can't die
, or ... it hasn't been long enough... (
Should cut in half around here. Normally when something in which a character breaks into someones thoughts or an action occurs like so there should be a break.)
"Well if
your (
you're) not dead then get up we have some surviving
todo!" A strange voice yelled at me. Who was that? Am I still on the mountain? "I said get up!" As the voice once more spoke I felt a sharp pain in my left side. This
is (
You've been using passive voice this entire passage, might as well use "was" instead) a obvious sign that I'm alive. I tried to open my eyes but only one opened
. I placed my hand over my right eye. It was gone!
I screamed in terror. The voice came from within me... I said aloud "Where am I?!" (
This seems to be unnecessary repetition and it's just worded weirdly. "The vigorous yell erupted from deep within me..." unless you are screaming internally)
End of chapter one (
Too short to be a chapter, more like a prelude, intro, or at least section. Definitely not lengthy enough to be considered a chapter. But that's more nitpicking than anything, if it's a short story I guess chapters could work fine)"
