No I am not sorry.
I want to explain something… I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on and explain the fear of cis people I have until recently… and by recently I mean 20 minutes ago.
See… fear of cis people is real. No, it’s not an oppression of cis people. It’s a natural reaction trans* people have to the system of oppression around us. I am scared of cis people. I am so loving scared of cis people.
A fear of cis people from a trans* person can come in many different styles and flavors and colors and the like. I’ve always kind of felt mine wasn’t real or valid because I wasn’t scared of physical violence. As a DFAB person, I am less at risk of physical violence due to my identity. On top of that, I’m non-binary and my identity is less known than binary trans* identities so cis people aren’t going to physically hurt me, because they haven’t had time to get that upset/angry/threatened by my identity. But I realized about 20 minutes ago, I was basing this “validity of fear of cis people” scale on how cis people would see it. Like I had to justify my discomfort with cis people with something they would accept. And the only reason I could be uncomfortable with cis people is if there was a threat of violence.
But that’s not true. See, my fear of cis people isn’t about physical violence, it’s about being verbally attacked as opposed to physically attacked. Today, my mom had this big party to celebrate the solstice, her husband’s birthday, christmas. And it was hard for me at first… because I didn’t know how anyone would react. My mom is really cisloveist sometimes… and she never thought that she would have to tell me which friends would be receptive and understand and which ones wouldn’t. She didn’t tell me her husband’s mother would be with us on our family night yesterday, and I had planned yesterday to be the day I stood firm with my family on pronouns and the like… but I had to hold off on that until late late late in the night because mom didn’t understand when I kept asking her if it would be ok to talk to Mary about it.
I didn’t think Mary was going to attack me… like jump up and hit me. But I was afraid she might tell me that I was wrong, refuse to use my pronouns, tell me it was a phase, give me some bullstuff about how it’s hard to be a woman so I decided to cop out. I was afraid she’d respond with super cisloveist views, opinions, and words. She didn’t react that way. She reacted quite well… well… as good as an old woman who believes gender and loveuality are the same thing???? can react. She told me stories about people she knew. One guy who has never dated, married, or to her knowledge had love… he just doesn’t feel the need to concern himself with all of that. She said “he’s not a man, he’s not a woman, we don’t know what he is.” I tried to interject “aloveual” but she looked quite confused and I figured I better just take this as a positive reaction and leave it. Because I know from dealing with her in the past that you can’t push things she doesn’t understand.
Today at the party, similar dilemmas presented themselves. Everyone I chose to tell was really warm and accepting. But it was difficult choosing who to tell. Who do I answer the question “what’s been going on in your life” honestly to? When do I correct mom when she introduces me as her daughter? When do I correct someone’s use of feminine pronouns and explain to them my pronoun preference and why? Who would be receptive to it? And who would disrupt the social flow of the party? I was so uncomfortable with the idea of mingling because I honestly don’t know. Cis people don’t wear signs that say “I’m trans* accepting and non-binary receptive.” They don’t look different when they know about non-binary identities. They don’t look different when they don’t know about non-binary identities, but want to know all that they can about all identities. They don’t look different when they want to speak up for you as a trans* person. They don’t look different when they don’t They don’t look different when they don’t think your identity is valid. They don’t look different when they tell you it’s just a phase. They don’t look different when they “don’t believe in” non-binary genders. They don’t look different when they think your pronouns are arbitrary. They don’t look different when you’re going to be that weird person they tell your mother to help in some way. They don’t look different at all.
I cannot tell which cis people are going to be accepting. I cannot tell which cis people are going to be helpful. I cannot tell which cis people are going to make me feel safe. Safety isn’t just immediate physical safety… it’s emotional and mental safety too. It’s the acceptance that gives me the strength to not self harm next time I can’t get my appearance to look as neutral as I’d like it to be. It’s the acceptance that tells me it’s ok to be me, and no one is uncomfortable with or upset with me because of my identity. It’s the ability to hear myself spoken about with the correct pronouns that make me feel seen, understood, and comfortable. And every time I meet a new cis person, unless the person introducing us has specified or I’m in a space I KNOW people are going to stand up for me in, I feel very uncomfortable I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything. And every time I feel like I have to be someone I’m not. Like I have to pretend to be one of them, because it’s going to freak them out too much that I’m not. That is not a fun feeling.
I’m writing this.. I guess… to illustrate why trans* people would say things that may sound anti-cisgendered. It doesn’t mean we hate cis people. And it in no way oppresses them (literally how stupid do you get, stop). It means that the system of oppression placed on us has lead us to be loving terrified of them. I am not scared of ALL cis people, just the ones I haven’t spoken to about my identity. Because there is this system of oppression that takes place… and they’ve been known to oppress me.
