Author Topic: okay so rate a small quote from a story i'm writing out of ten  (Read 651 times)

I am naught but the force,
That defines and destroys,
The land that we love,
I will not be underestimated.
- Dark Descent

Chapter 1: Stay Home Sick and Die

“Jack, wake up. We've got to go to town.” I stood up, and took one look at Molly. This didn't seem good. "What's special in town?" I asked. She didn't reply, but I got up anyway. I walked into the backroom. “What do we have for breakfast?” I asked. "Nothing special, you can make a few eggs."

I'm not that far yet, I just want to know if you guys like it. Please only use constructive criticism, it really helps.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2014, 08:37:38 PM by Markey »

3/10

the flow is not the best, the grief thing is tacked on and it just doesn't come out nice

If you start a new line every time someone speaks, it wont look quiet as clustered.

Quote
“Jack, wake up. We've got to get to town.” I stood up, and took one look at Molly. This didn't seem good. I yawned,
“Are you sure the time is right, Molly?” She didn't reply, but I got up anyway. The room smelled of perfume, the kind Molly sprayed all over herself. I sighed in disgust, but walked in to the backroom.
“Anything special for breakfast?” I asked. Molly still didn't reply. Something had to have been on her mind.
like that. Also kind of an abrupt way to start a book.

6/10 be sure to PM me a copy when you're done
« Last Edit: May 16, 2014, 08:32:26 PM by GhostStar »

ok. i have a whole new idea for it.

“Jack, wake up. We've got to go to town.”
I stood up, and took a look at Molly. The air was thick with her perfume. Sighing, I walked to the back room, following Molly. “Anything good for breakfast?” I asked. She didn't answer. Something was definitely on her mind.
better??
I removed anything that seemed unnecessary to me and made a couple of, what are in my opinion, improvements
it's still not great by any means, though

Yeah, although this may seem to be rude of me to do but I'd like to try to give it a revise~

"Jack, wake up. We've got to get to town."

I was broken away from my slumber as Molly began to shake me. I began to get up, and I took one look at Molly. The blue hues of the room had reflected off of her face, as her ghostly complexion had glowed with a somewhat disdain and hurried look. She was normally quite the ditzy, happy-go-lucky character whom would have a tendency to smile at anything, however today, her aura had contrasted that of which I was used to. This definitely cannot be good. In fear of what may come, I had decided to play it casually in hopes of revealing what perhaps was on her mind. I yawned and looked at the clock as Molly began to meander about the hallway.

"Are you sure the time is set right, Molly? I swear I haven't had my average eight hours of sleep yet."

No reply.

As I arose, the sharp scent of artificial flowers had struck my nostrils. The room had smelled of perfume, the kind Molly would normally shower herself with. I sighed in disgust, then sauntered into the backroom. As I stretched, I looked down below me. There was nary a mouse's ration on the table. She would normally have cooked, if not at the most, eggs of some sort. I looked over into the hallway, Molly still rushing about, and sarcastically asked, "Anything special for breakfast?"

Molly still did not reply.

Something was on her mind.

Chapter 1: Stay Home Sick and Die

“Jack, wake up. We've got to go to town.” I stood up, and took one look at Molly. This didn't seem good. "What's special in town?" I asked. She didn't reply, but I got up anyway. I walked into the backroom. “What do we have for breakfast?” I asked. "Nothing special, you can make a few eggs."
Uh, it's grammatically correct? I can't give a fair assessment of a book based on 5 sentences of dialog. Though, if your book has nothing but dialog in it, that's a really bad thing unless it's a screenplay(with some stage directions put in).

you need more vivid verbs imo, 3/10

0/10 next stop speaking mumbo jumbo like your a loving egyptian

0/10 next stop speaking mumbo jumbo like your a loving egyptian
are you srs right now, he needs to put more mumbo jumbo

I am speaking random stuff,
that makes no sense,
because im a cigarette,
i will be underestimated.
- markey the handicap

your a
you should have stopped giving criticism related to writing right there

-snip-
no squartle you don't have to do this we'll miss you

I am speaking random stuff,
that makes no sense,
because im a cigarette,
i will be underestimated.
- markey the handicap

do you even understand poetry??