pourin my heart out, like a pusillanimous individual.

[Camel]

you know what.

i'm sorry.

i riled you guys up. i was acting like i had a knife in my hands when really, i just had a concept of it. i have a flirty way of thinking about death, but when i was so close to it, i just couldn't handle it. i broke down. no, i wasn't drunk, just sad and tired. i'm not gonna kill myself because i love life too much, and... it's a lot easier to say that you want to end it all when you're sad and tired and the sky is black, but forget! the sky is blue now, and the sun is shining, and there are birds chirping, and a soft breeze. if i wanted to plunge into the void now, i'd really be worrying, lol.

i guess i was looking for attention to some agree, but it wasn't a plea, i just wanted to tell you guys something personal because, well, i've been here for a while, and i think of you guys as a second home in a way. and, the compassion you guys have shown- i don't really know what to say. the fact that you guys cared about some dork in a bed halfway across the country.. it's real sappy, i know.

i am just a kid. i'm only 17 years old. and i know to some of you that doesn't seem like a kid and to some of you that seems like a baby, but the fact is that i just had to witness something forgeted up, and i don't really know how to deal with it, or how im going to deal with it, but i know that you guys have dealt with things far worse, and it's not my place to expect you guys to catch me coming through the rye.

so yeah. sorry about overreacting. you guys are stronger than me

yesterday my uncle died. it was traumatizing. i got pulled out of school by my mom, who informs me "he's near the end". so we, being my fam, pile up into the car and head to the ICU. on principle, forget the ICU- not as a measure of hatred for the establishment, but just being at it. nothing good comes from a random summon from the ICU, usually. so we go in the doors and there he is, along with my cousins (his children), and my aunt, and his brother. it's all waterworks. he's got a million tubes hooked up to every loving orifice, and an ECMO machine pumping away.to make a long story short, he's gone in about 5 hours. I was in the room when his heart stopped. everyone's deservedly crying, but i'm in the corner numbed. we leave after that. everyone's eyes were redder than hell. anyways that's when I start feeling real suicidal. if that's what it amounts to being, a forgetin pile of flesh with a hundred tubes in you, what's the point. fantasies of ending it flash through my mind as i'm eating a sammy in my dads honda. hanging, shooting, the whole shpeal.

obviously I didn't jump outta the car even with my thoughts, cus that would be selfish. this isn't about me, my cousin's dad just kicked the bucket! ofc, that leads to more self loathing. when we get back to their house, everyone starts drinking. I get drunk off of pabts. i'm acting like a forgetin kid. I just keep picturing the body and hating myself more. everyone's smiling to get rid of the pain but i'm incapable of that stuff so I inundate myself with booze. forget. i'm just a god damn child to them. when i'm acting dumb i'm forgetin lil ol deccie! and in the face of it all, the guilt of these thoughts is weighing me down. they've suffered so much. even now there are tears falling on my smartphone. who the forget am I to make it about me

it's 10:00 now. i'm still numbed. they had a thing today. I wanted to drink something again but my sister ratted on me. I ran up their staircase and made a huge scene. I cried into their sofa upstairs.

idunno what i'm doing. I never make topics anyways. I just want to hurt myself, so I can have a reason for my stuffty self grief. I don't expect condolences, but say what you want. sharing is how I deal with this kinda stuff. hey, maybe badspot can fire one of those Self Delete kits my way so I can gest it out. ba dum tisss.

forget

[Ad Bot]

[BubbaGum]

bro im gonna hit you up on skype if thats cool

[Camel]

not on skype atm, maybe tomorrow

[Ceist]

are you still drunk?

[Derontchi]

I feel for you, but know that it will get better. I promise, it will get better.

Hit me up on Steam if you want, we can talk in a chat.

And that goes for anyone, my Steam is the same as my username. If you ever feel suicidal or need any comfort, just hit me up.

[Camel]

nah

that was to ceist

about the inebriation

[SeventhSandwich]

Start studying for a STEM degree and join me on the quest to immortality.

[Ceist]

i can't relate to you, but at most what I can say is I'm sorry for your your loss.

[Georges]

Hey, remember that Self Delete is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

[Derontchi]

Hey, remember that Self Delete is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

Not to make things worse, but his uncle being dead is a permanent problem.

But the grief will not always be there, just try to remember the good times, if that helps.

Why are you even having these thoughts? You're not blaming yourself, are you?

[Gatysh]

If it's not an instant method, you will most likely regret the Self Delete attempt while you're falling into a chasm or hanging from your fan, when you've already crossed the rubicon and it's too late to do anything but accept your fate.
Think about that.

Hey, remember that Self Delete is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

[Daswiruch]

please don't cut your wrists/hurt yourself mate
it will do literally nothing to help you and will even hurt you more

[Camel]

Not to make things worse, but his uncle being dead is a permanent problem.

But the grief will not always be there, just try to remember the good times, if that helps.

Why are you even having these thoughts? You're not blaming yourself, are you?

im not blaming myself, it's not like I tripped with a hypodermic needle full of potassium chloride and accidentally jammed it into his eyebrow, it's just that the reality of the coldness of human mortality sorta puts kindling on an already blazing fire of self hatred and grief

[Camel]

listen, i'm not gonna kill myself. don't go tryin to call the cops on me or something drastic like that

being suicidal and killing yourself are different things. they're not good things, and you guys are justified in your reaction

but this ain't my note. i'm just posting about my real feelings, bein brutally genuine

[Ceist]

im not blaming myself, it's not like I tripped with a hypodermic needle full of potassium chloride and accidentally jammed it into his eyebrow, it's just that the reality of the coldness of human mortality sorta puts kindling on an already blazing fire of self hatred and grief

this is some pessimistic type stuff right here. stop that. it's bad for your health.