Let's Play X-COM Long War

[tber123]

BUMP BUTTINSKI

Hack the Encoder and Run

Badasses attending: handicap Convention, Cheeki Breeki, Godamn Terrorist, Highway Robbery
Covert Operative: Pyro Rookie



Pyro Rookie: Where are you guys?
Godamn terrorist: Stay where you are. Throw a Battle Scanner.



handicap Convention: There he is. Blast him.



Highway Robbery: A swarm of EXALT? We can take them on! CHARGE!



handicap Convention: Pyro Rookie, move up to the encoder while we draw their fire!



Highway Robbery: Another one bites the dust? Who's next?



Cheeki Breeki: I'm hit!



EXALT 1: She's hacking the encoder! Stop her!



EXALT 1: She's hacking the second and final encoder! Why aren't you idiots stopping her?



EXALT 2: Our guns use Always-On DRM! Why, Microsoft, WHY?
EXALT 3: I blame Ubisoft for---
EXALT 4: Shut up. Clearly, this is EA's fault.



Pyro Rookie: All the encoders are hacked! Retreat to the Skyranger!



Pyro Rookie: Taking heavy fire!
EXALT 4: What the hell is wrong with you guys? AIM the rifle properly, not SPRAY it all over the place.



EXALT 5: X-COM INFIDELS! EAT HOLY LEAD FROM THE ETHEREALS!



Highway Robbery: Returning fire! I got you covered, now RUN!



EXALT 2: Where do you think YOU are going, X-COM scum?



handicap Convention: Elimination of EXALT is not a priority! Everyone move!



EXALT 3: Oh dear, they're getting away! Fire!



EXALT 4: The X-COM infidels elude us!



EXALT 6: Can't get a good shot. Target is sprinting.



EXALT 1: Aw, hell.
EXALT 2: HQ is going to be pissed.
EXALT 4: Not my fault you idiots couldn't shoot straight.



The troops came home safe today, with nobody killed.



The Commander decided that better body armor should be researched.

Meanwhile, in Engineering....



Engineer 1: The creation is finally finished. Wilson's going to be proud.



Engineer 2: The Alloy SHIV? Holy stuff.
Engineer 1: You think these are durable enough for SHIV Jousting?



Anyone got any names for the SHIV?

Things X-COM operatives are not allowed to do
40. We have not issued a melee primary weapon for non-MEC Troopers for a reason.
40a. S.H.I.V.s are mechanized fire support platforms, not cavalry. Under no circumstances should an X-COM Operator jump on a S.H.I.V. with a sword and charge the enemy screaming ‘DRIVE ME CLOSER I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD.’
40b. This should not be taken as a challenge.
40bi. Even if it’s your sword.

Next update: Battle of the Cemetery

[Ad Bot]

[Kochieboy]

>rating: terrible

forget off, that was awesome.

You don't need to kill them all.

[Dreams_Of_Cheese]

taking a rookie (with a sawn off holy stuff) was a huuuge gamble
glad to see that worked somehow

[Rigel]

I didn't know there was an EXALT base. It sounds like it'd be interesting to see.

[tber123]

Battle of the Cemetery

The aliens came to the cemetery to rob graves, but instead, they found human grave robbers to abduct.


Badasses attending: Anette Durand, George Bush, George Washington, Sniopeh GoodJob, Heavy Weapons Guy, Lee Hanson, WOLFHOUND the Alloy SHIV



Anette Durand: Don't worry, you'll meet your bastard friends soon!



Anette Durand: One mind merge coming up, now KILL THEM ALL!



Heavy Weapons Guy: Oops.



George Washington: Good lord, my dearest countrymen can't aim for stuff.



Sidenote: Mindfray is completely terrible in Long War so far. Instead of doing 5 damage and oneshotting Sectoids, it does 1 damage so far. Maybe my troops aren't skilled enough.



George Bush: Washington, it is hard to hit a child-sized insurgent! You should know that!



Anette Durand: I hope you're suffering!



Revolver Rookie: Taking the shot.






Things X-COM Operatives are not allowed to do
48. Stop harassing Psi Operatives for mind love.
48a. Psi Operatives are to stop offering mind love. You can’t do it.
48b. Just because Vahlen says you can’t, doesn’t mean that she’s tried.

Next Update: The Little Engie That Couldn't Aim For stuff All Engineers On Deck!

[Dreams_Of_Cheese]

iirc mindfray is supposed to be an unlimited-use flashbang/acid that cripples instead of kills. Also does 1 damage, so if there's some starfish hunkering in full cover with 1hp, you can brain murder him

also im loving george washington's lines, really funny

[tber123]

All Engineers On Deck!

Tonight someone dies.......

This operation marks another loss of an X-COM trooper. If I wasn't crippled, I would have been there to prevent those bastards from killing off any more of my fellow brethren.



Before that happened, EXALT operatives were running around in Egypt spreading rumors about how it is pointless to fight the aliens, completely demoralizing the population.



handicap Convention, a decorated Assault, was sent in to contain the situation.



Shortly after, an alien abduction was reported.


Badasses attending: Wei Shen, Annette Durand, Git Gud, Rigel, Paul Sawyer, Lee Hanson, RASL



Lee Hanson:Battle scanner is up. Seekers spotted.



Wei Shen: In position.



Git Gud: Here they come!



Paul Sawyer: Rockets away!



Git Gud: Smoke grenades will be our salvation!



Rigel: Aw hell, I missed!




Annette: MIND MERGE!



Wei Shen: Seeker on the roof! Help!



Git Gud: What the fu---

*SPLORT*



Git Gud bled to death slowly after being wounded by Seeker fire.



Paul Sawyer: Another big bang for X-COM.



Lee Hanson: Sorry Wei. Only a Fastball Special can save you.



Annette: Don't you die on me just yet!



Rigel: That was close!



Lee Hanson: Seeker. Rooftop. Blast it.



Rigel: Say hello to Dr. Vahlen for me.
RASL: She should just break out the leather and the whip already. Its no secret that she enjoys torturing the aliens.



Wei Shen: Another one down.



Anette: Mind merge! You'll need it!



Rigel: This one's mine.



Paul Sawyer: SQUAD! Seeker right next to me!



Paul Sawyer: Ammo empty! I require assistance!



RASL: See you in hell.



*BEWM*



Once I'm finally cleared for combat, I'll be personally bringing as many of those aliens as I can to hell with me.

(Van Doorn has been recovering from his wounds the whole time.)



(Promotions for Rigel and Anette)

[tber123]

More research gets done.



A massive UFO decides to land and the entire team has to abort.



Next Update: Unnatural Selection

Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do, a list from the Reddit and SpaceBattles community
124. Do not refer to Russian Operatives as ‘X-COMmunists’.
124a. Korean Psionics are not PSY Operatives, nor do they need a chorus/backing crew/’a sick beat’ to use their powers.

[tber123]

Unnatural Selection

Soldiers attending: FOXHOUND-1(SHIV), Rook40, Wilson, Warrison "Protile" Carter, Sniopeh GoodJob, Rigel Hernandez, Paul "Tank" Sawyer

The aliens decided that a Terror attack on a city would be enough to strike a major blow against X-COM. They were wrong.



Wilson: Chryssalids by the SHIV! We can take them on!
Warrison "Protile" Carter: This will be too easy.



Sniopeh GoodJob: Mr. Tentacles has arrived! Escort him to the afterlife!



Rigel: If you can't kill it with one shot, shoot it again.



Warrison "Protile" Carter: Yeah, RIP.



Rook40: Double Tap! Triple Tap! KEEP ON FIRING!



Paul "Tank" Sawyer: Movin up!



Sniopeh GoodJob: Hey there! You wanna join the Army and get revenge on the Aliens?
Civilian 1: HELL YEAH!
Civilian 2: Count us in, man! We're here to serve!



Sniopeh GoodJob: Look out! Incoming Seeker! You two Civilians, get in the Skyranger and wait until this is over!



Rook40: I got one!



Carter: You're safe! Get to the Skyranger!



Sniopeh GoodJob: Can't dodge forever.



Wilson: The SHIV is taking fire! How dare they!



Civilian: AIIIIEEEE!
Civilian 2: N-No! I don't like tentacles!
Civilian 3: Good god! Purple spiders!



Rigel: Zombies. Too easy.



Warrison "Protile" Carter: Setting up Overwatch. Zombies inbound.



Wilson: Zombies? Way too godamn easy! Let them slowly shamble to you....



Wilson: ......And BLOW those slow starfishs away with a headshot!



Rigel: See you in hell!
Sniopeh GoodJob: A red mist? Gonna have to bury whats left of that guy in hell.



Sniopeh GoodJob: Gawd-Damn! Look at that zombie backflip! That should be an Olympic sport.



Rigel: OHSHI---



Paul "Tank" Sawyer: CHRYSSALIDS INBOUND!
Wilson: Nice knowing you, Rigel. Sucks to be you.



Wilson: SHIV Meatshield, go!



Paul Sawyer: Tactical decisions, tactical decisions......



Wilson: Do something quick, damn it! We'll both die, and I'd rather have Rigel bite it than me!
Paul Sawyer: I got it! Move the SHIV closer to the Seeker......



Paul Sawyer: Now its time for rockets. Wilson, haul ass.






Sniopeh GoodJob: More corpses for Dr. Vahlen.



Rook40: I did it!


Q: OMG HAX HE FIRED TWICE IN ONE TURN!
A: No. Infantry classes have the "Light em up" ability, meaning they can shoot twice if they don't move.

Rook40: Now to blast the Seeker!



Minimal casualties suffered. Another operation well done.



Wilson: My superiority shines above the rest of you unlucky bastards.

Wilson was also promoted to Officer.

Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do
7. ‘It was mind control’ is no longer an excuse for walking into the wrong bathroom, barracks or bedroom.
7a. In response to continued walk-in incidents, bathrooms and barracks have now been issued easy access ARC Throwers.
7b. Psionic operatives are to stop mind controlling friendly operatives and forcing them to punch themselves in the face or walking into the wrong bathroom/barracks.
7bi. Especially if you are repeating the phrase ‘Stop hitting yourself!’ while doing the former.
7bii. This now includes kicking, walking/running/sprinting into other things, making them black out and wake up on Vahlen’s operating table (especially in only her stolen underwear) or inside the Interrogation Chamber.

[Rigel]

Woo, nice job saving my sorry ass!

One of those abducted civvies looks suspiciously like the one that fell off the roof in the "Big Bank" trailer...

[tber123]

Woo, nice job saving my sorry ass!

One of those abducted civvies looks suspiciously like the one that fell off the roof in the "Big Bank" trailer...

Funny enough, I was going to introduce a new soldier named "Bobblehead Bob" in the next update. Also, I tried to make Wilson have the personality of an arrogant, roostery douchebag that absolutely loves his SHIVs. I keep a Google Document for the X-COM Lets Play that's supposed to be a guide to the personalities, but I'm not good at doing personalities or keeping them mostly consistent.



Laser beams are UFO Killers and I get extremely overconfident at downing a Small UFO, resulting in me sending a stuffton of redshirts for culling Rookies.

[Dreams_Of_Cheese]

this is inhumane
how can we call ourselves the saviors of humanity if he needlessly throw away the lives our recruits in there periodic bloodlettings??

[tber123]

this is inhumane
how can we call ourselves the saviors of humanity if he needlessly throw away the lives our recruits in there periodic bloodlettings??

I have to level up the Rookies too. So far I have 10-ish soldiers that are mostly levelled up and the rest of them barely have any abilities/perks. Any rookie that survives the bloodletting will be promoted in most cases.

[tber123]

Redshirt 1: Hell yeah! Asskicking time!
Redshirt 2: Just hold down the trigger and hose those aliens down!
Redshirt 3: HOOAH! LETS DO THIS!



Redshirt 1: Holy stuff! MELD! GOTTA GET THAT MELD!
George Washington: What in God's name is this? The dullest tools in the shed are being brought out! My word!
Redshirt 2: Hold up! I see something green! Hose it down!



Redshirt 1: What the hell is the Incredible Hulk doing here?
George Bush: My boy, that's a Muton we're dealing with!



Redshirt 1: BLARGH.
George Washington: Thank God for Natural Selection.



Redshirt 3: What are you pansies taking cover for? We can take them on! Everyone on me! CHARGE!
Gopnik Suka: Cut em up! Cut em up!
Lee Hanson: Central, why are you recruiting from the bottom of the barrel?
George Washington: It is a travesty to have someone to use as a meat shield.



Redshirt 2: FLASHBANG!
Redshirt 3: Kick em while they're down!



Redshirt 2: Hah! Shotgun to the face, you green bast---



Muton: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!



Redshirt 2: <PANIC> OH GOD WHY?



Lee Hanson: Catch!



Redshirt 1: HNNNNNNNNNNNG!
Redshirt 3: Sucks to be him!

6 minutes later



Gopnik Suka and a nameless redshirt got promoted. Also, I was expecting an easy target because the ufo was small.

[Nicepoint]

C'mon, include my character a bit more often.