Let's Play X-COM Long War

[tber123]

Rigel is now being tested.



Oh stuff, MEC time! RASL will be the first MEC because I'm honoring some random request a few pages back.



This will be easy.

ANIMU WEABOO, best totally not tribal name ever.

Wilson has claimed the Alloy SHIV as his.



Van Doorn has returned, and we have shiny new armor finally ready for use!

Next Update: The Return Of Van Doorn

Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do
148. Battlecries have been a part of human warfare for millennia. Many are acceptable; ‘For Earth!’, ‘For Humanity!’ and so on are expected to be heard over the course of the war. Operatives should be reminded, however, that all of X-COM’s comms are recorded, so cries of ‘For the Emperor!’, ‘For the Great Commandy One!’, and ‘For Vodka and Rum!’ are now prohibited.
148a. It doesn’t matter if she promised to marry you when you got back, Sgt. [REDACTED]. ‘FOR MAH WAIFU’ is also inappropriate.
148b. So is showing up on the battlefield with a lab coat and syringe rather than legitimate weapons and armor and shouting “FOR SCIENCE!”

[Ad Bot]

[Kochieboy]

Bless you based rigel... You have made my day.

[tber123]

The Return of Van Doorn
A Mechtoid dies from a deadly combo, and Lee Hanson spams his fastball special everywhere.

Van Doorn: We're here! Remember your training and we'll all make it out alive!
Lee Hanson: Locked and loaded.
ANIMU WEEABOO: *shouting in Japanese*
Dreams of Cheese: Its go time!
Megaera: I got this!
Wilson: This Alloy SHIV is one lovey beast.



Annette Durand: Those alien bastards will pay!
Wilson: Blast them back to Cydonia!



Megaera: Godamn, this place is a mess.
Dreams of Cheese: Uncontrolled looting will do that.



ANIMU WEEABOO: Anyone see them? Its too quiet.



ANIMU WEEABOO: Oh stuff.
Thin Man: [Oh forget.]



Thin Man 2:  [X-COM is on to us! RUN!]
Van Doorn: Careful now!



Dreams of Cheese: Its killing time!



Wilson: Quit dodging, damn you!



Lee Hanson: Catch this!




ANIMU WEEABOO: TAKE IT EASY!



Thin Man 3: [Oh Great Alien Commandey One, I need orders!]


Uber Ethereal: [Just shoot them, moron.]
Thin Man 3: [These infidels will die! The X-COM Commander will perish with them!]



Dreams of Cheese: NOPE.



Dreams of Cheese: AGH! ACID IN MY EYES! MY EEYYYYYEEEEES! WAAAAAAAGGGH!
Van Doorn: Deep breathing, Dreams of Cheese! Just take a deep breath!



Van Doorn: Hostiles in that direction! Move up!



Annette Durand: You can't hide from ME!



Dreams of Cheese: HA! I GOT ONE!



Wilson: Get the forget out!



Annette Durand: BLARGH!
Van Doorn: NO!



Megaera: You'll be fine!



Annette Durand: DIE!



Lee Hanson: Pop goes the Muton!



Van Doorn: Mechtoids! Get to cover!
ANIMU WEEABOO: This is the end!
Annette Durand: The bigger they are, the more satisfying it is to see them die! FIRE!



Annette Durand: This is the last thing you'll never see!



Wilson: HEY! Stop shooting my tank!



Wilson: What a wimp!



Dreams of Cheese: Dramatic window jump!



Dreams of Cheese: Flanking around! Van Doorn, can you draw its fire?



Wilson: Hurry up and kill that thing already! My beloved SHIV is under fire!



Wilson: OH GOD!



Wilson: Why won't you DIE?



ANIMU WEEABOO: This whole alien invasion is just like one of my favorite animes!



Dreams of Cheese: Van Doorn! Its time!
Van Doorn: For what?



Dreams of Cheese: The Three Step Combo! Step 1: ROCKETS AWAY!



Dreams of Cheese: Step 2: FASTBALL SPECIAL!



Dreams of Cheese: Step 3: More Fireworks!



Van Doorn: Hostile still standing!



Megaera: Step 4: Point Blank Euthanasia.



Wilson: That was loving perfect.
Van Doorn: Excellent work, everyone. We'll all come home alive.
Annette Durand: Now do that again!
Lee Hanson: The power of baseball.
Dreams of Cheese: This war is starting to get EASY!



Dreams of Cheese was given the honor of a nickname and Annette is out of action for half a month. At this point in the war, the playing field is mostly even. Beam weapons can easily kill the aliens in a few shots.

We can't get too confident, however. Dr. Valen is researching Gauss Weaponry to make the playing field even less in the alien's favor, and I expect the alien invaders to upgrade their plasma weaponry accordingly as the war drags on.

Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do
20. No, the science team will not use MELD to make it/them bigger.
20a. Even if you have two hearts, yes that is still cheating.
20b. Vahlen does not need a ‘Primary Heart installed’.
20c. The next person to suggest that Vahlen “graft a [REDACTED] on her hand so that she can go [REDACTED] herself.” will be presumed to be volunteering theirs.
20d. Having the ‘Hyper Reactive Pupils’ Gene Mod is not an excuse to go staring at people.
20e. Operatives with Neural Feedback Gene Mods are advised not to go taunting Psi Operatives; they are still perfectly capable of punching you in the face.
20f. Operatives enhanced with Bioelectric skin should not ask people to pull their finger.
20g. Rookies are advised that X-COM Operatives jumping to superhuman heights are benefitting from Muscle Fiber Density Gene Mods, rather than it being a requirement for Sergeant rank.
20h. Operatives enhanced with Mimetic Skin are advised that it still works with their armor on. Your clothes have been deposited at Lost and Found.

SIDE NOTE: Soldier Applications are open 24/7. We could always use names for additional redshirts personnel to assist in the fight for humanity. (See page 1)

[Dreams_Of_Cheese]

Yaaaay
That acid panic was clutch as hell too

[tber123]

X-COM's first MEC, and the asskicking of the Aliens

Wei Shen gets promoted to Major.



Oh stuff! MECHS! I kept my word Juncoph, so RASL will be the first MEC.


Wei Shen, Nooble the Noble, Tisiphone, Talia, Wilson, George Bush, Dr. Krieger attending this operation.



Wilson: Small UFO downed. This will be one huge walk in the park!
Dr. Krieger: Yeah, it will be for the aliens. Don't get roostery, starfish! I'd hate to waste a medkit on you!
Wilson: I also carry medkits, Nigerian Cunt. Shove off!

Nooble the Noble: SSSH! Hear that in the distance? Its the aliens that took my previous jobs!
George Bush: Its time for some deportation of illegals.



Wilson: UFO Spotted! Lets do this!
Dr. Krieger: I'll give it 15 seconds before some alien blows Wilson's ass all the way to the moon.
Wei Shen: Quit arguing, you two. The aliens can hear us.



Talia: Battle scanner is up! Its a swarm of Drones!
Wei Shen: Its killing time.
George Bush: The Illegals are using drones to threaten our beloved Earth!
Tisiphone: My rifle is too heavy! This sucks!



Wei Shen: We've been spotted!



George Bush: Wilson, that is not how you deport an Illegal Immigrant! You SHOOT to kill!
Wilson: The hell are you talking about?



Tisiphone: How does a laser miss? What the hell is wrong with these stuffty X-COM guns?



George Bush: A smokescreen will provide tactical cover from the horde!



George Bush: I'll kick your asses back to the border, illegal scum!



Talia: Threat neutralized!



Dr. Krieger: X-Ray's dead, baby. X-Ray's dead.



Wei Shen: I hope you enjoy Robot Hell!



George Bush: I've missed! Will someone come to my aid?



Nooble the Noble: For Humanity!



Wilson: What do we have here?



Wei Shen: The last thing you'll never see.






Gauss Weapons have finally arrived on the battlefield, allowing even easier asskicking.

Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do
11. No playing inappropriate music when senior staff walks in. This includes (but is not limited to):
- The Imperial March with Bradford
- The 24 Chimes
- Hell March
- Anything related to X-Files, Doctor Who, Torchwood
11a. Playing ‘Danger Zone’ while X-COM Interceptors are intercepting a UFO was only funny the first time.
11b. ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ is relatively unknown in Vietnam. Nobody there will get the joke.
11c. Playing ‘Shoot to Thrill’ over the speakers moments before pushing a red and yellow MECT out of the back is ill advised.
11ci. Even if bystanders stopped to applaud.

[Nicepoint]

Bump, too good to end

[tber123]

Bump, too good to end

Not dead yet. Motivation to continue this is at the bottom of a pit full of punji sticks, which is why the updates only come once/twice a week/month. I always have time to update(usually) this on Sundays though.

[Zoltan]

You should name a white male soldier "DA POLICE."
The class should be Assault or Infantry, whichever one you feel suits best.
ofcourse this also means there should be a SHIV named "WOOP WOOP"

[Kochieboy]

You should name a white male soldier "DA POLICE."
The class should be Assault or Infantry, whichever one you feel suits best.
ofcourse this also means there should be a SHIV named "WOOP WOOP"

Woop woop, that's the sound of da police

[tber123]

Lee Hanson Saves The Day
This update introduces better photo editing in some areas. Finally got around to applying my MS paint skills even further than "occasionally crop an image".

One Redshirt and SHIV AI "WOOP WOOP" are also attending.



ANIMU "WAI WAIFU" WEEABOO: Whats our plan?
Lee Hanson: Standard "Kill them all" mission. These guys forgeted with the wrong American.
Redshirt 1: Lets do this! LEEROY JENKINS!




handicap Convention: Battle scanner is up. Thin Men spotted!
Redshirt 1: CHARGE!
Talia: We hardly knew ye.
WOOP WOOP: BEEP BOOP DOUBLETIME!



Talia: See you in hell.



handicap Convention: Cover won't save you from ME!
ANIMU WEEABOO: Fish in a barrel!
Redshirt 1: Candy from a baby.
Bump Buttinski: The power of Putin will protect me from the alien menace!



Bump Buttinski: I'll be nailing your corpse to the Kremlin, you filthy alien!


The magic of copy/paste

Lee Hanson: Your nightmare is just starting.



WOOP WOOP: GENOCIDE IS OKAY IF ITS ALIENS THAT ARE THE VICTIMS!



Redshirt 1: Smoke out!



ANIMU WEEABOO: Let there be LIGHT!



handicap Convention: Hunt em down!



handicap Convention: Welp.



ANIMU WEEABOO: I sure wish I had a giant mech to pilot.



Lee Hanson: Uncle Hanson has an exploding surprise for you.....



Bump Buttinski: Anyone wounded?
Lee Hanson: Negative.
Redshirt 1: Nope!
Talia: No.



WOOP WOOP: STOP RIGHT THERE, ALIEN SCUM!



WOOP WOOP: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!



Talia: Goodnight.



Bump Buttinski: Stay down, Redshirt!
Redshirt 1: O-Okay!



ANIMU WEEABOO: Flanking!
Lee Hanson: Ready for the big bang?
Bump Buttinski: Those bastards won't expect this.



Muton 1: <To arms, my brothers! Kill the XCOMs!>



Lee Hanson: Enemy overwatch!



Redshirt 1: Help! Incoming flanker!



Lee Hanson: This? This is going to hurt.



Bump Buttinski: Tactical smoke deployment!



WOOP WOOP: IF ANYONE ASKS, WE DENY THE ALIEN GENOCIDE!



WOOP WOOP: TAKING FIRE.
Redshirt 1: Oh god! My meatshield is going to die!



ANIMU WEEABOO: Its raining death over here!



Redshirt 1: That was close!



Talia: Reloading! Cover me!



Lee Hanson: YOU CANNOT ESCAPE.



ANIMU WEEABOO: Taken care of.



handicap Convention: Moving to firing position.



Redshirt 1: How the hell does that MISS?
Bump Buttinski: You cannot question logic.



Lee Hanson: Don't forget with humanity.







Promotions are in order for Lee Hanson.



George Bush gets turned into a MEC so he can punch illegal immigrants back to the border with robo fists.



handicap Convention is promoted to another rank of Officer.



Paul "Tank" Sawyer fails his Psionic test.



Nooble the Noble gets psi testing.


Psi testing update



A free recruit was gained, but I couldn't make him an Assault/Infantry. Sorry guys.



Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do
4. Stop referring to the base security personnel and rookies as ‘cannon fodder’, ‘D-Class’ and/or ‘redshirts’. This is negatively affecting morale.
4a. Personnel caught in violation of this order will be issued one red shirt one size too small, and be required to wear it for the next 24 hours. They are also considered off the combat roster.
4b. Rookies are not to be called ‘Tactical Ablative Armor’. Calling them ‘Taa-taas’ is also frowned upon, whether they know the meaning of the acronym or not.

[Rigel]

D-Class...

Makes me think that this could easily be converted to a game based on the SCP stuff.

[tber123]

Click for full size

I don't know why, but somehow I got the idea to make an MLG version of the above screenshot. What have I done?

[tber123]

The EXALT horde was detected again, and Command decides to send out a inexperienced trooper. As a covert operative. God save us all.



While Command was deciding on who to send to inflitrate EXALT, Rigel came out of the Psionic Testing labs disapointed. He tested negative.


Dreams of Cheese was sent into the labs for a round of testing.


A medium-sized UFO was detected and quickly shot down.



I just hope the brave souls with me all make it home alive, and not in bodybags.

Next Update: The Raid

Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do, a list from the Reddit and SpaceBattles community
31. Do not ask Annette Durand if she’s ‘good at French kissing’.
31a. Even if she takes it as a challenge.
31ai. Especially if she takes it as a challenge.
31b. Nor do you need ‘a large sample pool for statistical brown townysis’.
31c. Nor does she need her own sample pool.
32. Chryssalids are not from Australia. Please stop asking the Australian Operatives this.
32a. We do not know where Sgt. [REDACTED] got the tarantula from, but consider it due punishment for those Chryssalid jokes.

[Rigel]

Aw, no psi-rape for me?

[tber123]

Aw, no psi-rape for me?

We can always try again. Long War allows retesting.

The Raid

Van Doorn: Exercise caution, everyone. There could be Sectoids lurking around the Skyranger.
Lee Hanson: Guns may fail me, but a fastball special never does.
Wilson: We've kicked so much ass with beam weaponry that this will be one huge walk in the godamn park!
Cirno: We're the strongest!



"Argentina" F3D: Godamn! Sectoids already?
Revolver Rookie: Weapons hot.



Wilson: This will be easy.



Van Doorn: Tango down!



Cirno: WHAT.



Revolver Rookie: No longer a threat.



Wilson: We can't hit the rest of the Sectoids! Cirno, can you try baiting them into range?



Cirno: OHGOD!



Redshirt 1: Target acquired!



Cirno: Can't make the shot, one of you guys get over here!



Van Doorn: This bastard is mine!



Wilson: What the forget is this weaksauce?



Cirno: H-HELP! ITS INSIDE MY HEAD!



Wilson: Another kill to my name! Dumbass Sectoids should just learn to lay down and accept that they will die already!



F3D: Another one bites the dust!



Van Doorn: Is that all of them?
Wilson: I hear more Sectoids deeper into the forest! Move up!



F3D: Its go time!



Redshirt 1: SSSH! Its over there!



Redshirt 1: Holy stuff! MELD!



Redshirt 1: Oh god, its the tentacle squad! And a bunch of drones!
Van Doorn: Everyone on Overwatch, now!



Revolver Rookie: Come to daddy......



Wilson: How the forget does that MISS?



Cirno: Help! Laser beams suck!



Lee Hanson: Here comes the fireworks!



Wilson: Theres no kill like OVERKILL!



Cirno: Hey! STOP DODGING!



Lee Hanson: Bullseye.



Van Doorn: Lee Hanson, INCOMING!



Lee Hanson: Wha---



F3D: General Van Doorn! LOOKOUT!



Wilson: Sucks to be you, Van Doorn!



Redshirt 1: Sawn-Off Shotgun to the rescue!



*BEWM*



Van Doorn: Get away from him, you son of a bitch!
Wilson: Outside of the UFO is clear!
Revolver Rookie: Proceeding to sweep the inside of the UFO.
Redshirt 1: This is why I brought a shotgun!



Wilson: I got nothing. What about the rest of you guys?



Redshirt 1: Clear!
Cirno: No small fry here! Lets keep moving!



Redshirt 1: This is the last room we haven't checked yet, I think. You guys ready?
Cirno: Always ready! LETS DO THIS!



Redshirt 1: Hold up, gotta reload!



Cirno: Nobody here. Going to search the other side.



Cirno: WELP.



Van Doorn: Blowing a hole in the wall! Light them up!



F3D: SURPRISE!



Lee Hanson: Another bunch of bad guys bite the dust. Am I good or am I good?


Holy stuff, Bradford isn't being snarky this time and is actually right about something


Promotions

Things X-COM Operatives Are Not Allowed To Do, a list from the Reddit and SpaceBattles community
156. Psi Operatives are to stop trying to influence people’s dreams.
156a. Especially if they are successful.
156b. Seriously. We’ve had 49 cases of people reporting that they had recurring nightmares of Vahlen mass-mind controlling the aliens and become the new Supreme Bitch of the Universe. Stop it.