wroted a poem

[Stocking]

was feeling sad and wrote a poem, would appreciate feedbak

A storm is racing, roiling, raging
Far beyond the trees.
Darkest wind of certain death
Is fast approaching me.

All attempts at egress now
Are halted by a tie
My heart is rooted in the ground;
Without it I will die.

My body pleading with my heart:
"Please, for your sake and mine
There's nothing here that we can save
Let it go this time."

The blood that feeds my muscles
Runs heated through my veins.
The anger moves my body
But does nothing for the pain.

With each and every struggle
Its sinew holds it strong
With time to flee now running out
The struggle won't be long.

With spade in hand I hack the strands
That hold it to the ground
I can hear it screaming
But it doesn't make a sound.

The roaring wind approaches
Like a demon beast of hell
Warning that along demise
Is suffering as well.

Its warcry is the slicing gales
Howling as it charged
My efforts growing frantic
As I tried to save my heart.

First it took my breath away;
I was weak again
At the mercy of the maelstrom
As it stripped away my skin.

I wear away to nothing
As I'm whittled down to bone
And when my heart stops beating
I'll die out here alone.

[Ad Bot]

[TheABELBOTO]

deep

[Freek]

dope

[Georges]

Doop

I think it's good. The third stanza could use some work- it doesn't flow quite as well as I feel it should.  There are a couple other spots were I suggest you play around with phrasing to try to make it flow more smoothly, but other than that I like it!

[sir dooble]

You've got an ABCB rhyming scheme, but in the second and third from last stanzas it doesn't work.
Charged/Heart and again/skin. Unless you've got a strong accent on these it doesn't really work.

[_Rave_]

Very strong symbolism, and a really strong sense of how you felt while writing it.  The tempo of the poem doesn't carry through the whole time, but that's something you can fix.  A good start.  Seems like you have talent so keep at it.

[Pie Crust]

I can into poems too.

Leg so hot.
Hot hot leg.
Leg so hot
You fry an egg.

Anotherone!

brothers are red
brothers are blue.
If you open up Photoshop
And forget with the HUE.

[Freek]

roses are red
violets are blue
tony hawks pro skater 2

[Machaty]

roses are red
violets are blue
tony hawks pro skater 2

Bootiful

My turn:
As my loves final moments come to pass
I come up close to my special lass
I prepare my lips to utter forth
A last goodbye of tremendous worth
She draws her last breath, and I begin my speech:
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"Chiken butt"
"I loving hate y-aaaahhhh I'm DEAD"


-"why no one comes to my birthday party", by Machaty

[XR-7]

She draws her last breath,

Why did she answer then

[Machaty]

Why did she answer then

She drew her last breath and then used it to answer me you big dumb

[XR-7]

She drew her last breath and then used it to answer me you big dumb

I don't think you know how a normal last breath works. The respiratory system doesn't just shut down and cause asphyxiation. You just kinda stop breathing and the pulse stops at about the same time while the body shuts down.

This Sergeant XR, Fun Police

[Maxwell.]

thank you xr-7 for keeping this forum clean of anything but the facts

[Machaty]

I don't think you know how a normal last breath works. The respiratory system doesn't just shut down and cause asphyxiation. You just kinda stop breathing and the pulse stops at about the same time while the body shuts down.

This Sergeant XR, Fun Police

How dare you question the unassailably accurate work of art that is my poem
I diddly dun don't want your kind here

[Akio]

roses are red
daffodils are yellow
george bush was a lie
investigate 911