Here's a party member you can use.
Super Drugged Up Guy

He has ridiculous speed from the start, but everything else is bad, but increases rapidly when you level up.
When you would say "Hello there.", he says "UH-HELLO-THERE-MAN".
You get him after the first dungeon in an alleyway in minion world, a dystopian future where minions rule the world.
In order to add him to your party you have to buy him some heroine.