i honestly dont even give a flying forget if you even care in the slightest about what im about to say but i need to heavily vent because i can't talk to anyone else about it without them thinking im a weird friend or whatever
actually read this before posting because its flat-out handicapped when people stop mid sentence to point out something that i said to me with a stuffty counter argument like im debating if 9/11 is real or not or some other stupid stuff
i can't really be happy no matter what i try and practically my only way of deflecting the fact that im a asthmatic nonathletic pile of stuff that is 5"4 and weighing 100lbs ceases to amaze me, i have no confidence whatsoever in anything i try and by the time i start failing at something i just give up because i can't find a reason to actually continue with it to make it work
i have no athletic ability whatsoever, i can run a mile in 12 minutes (if i stop inbetween of course) and i can't do sports because i wouldn't actually be fit enough to get through a tryout
schoolwork is just the same droning stuff that i learned 2 years ago and all i want to learn about is computer science but i have to wait another 6 loving years to get out of this stuffhole because "ohh boohoo being a 12 year old sucks lol now im 35 and happy and i get to do whatever the forget i want with myself" is apparently acceptable by any sort of society and i have to apply skills and ethics into bullstuff curriculum that doesn't even put a point on how a child gains academic ability rather than just shoving bullstuff stuff and more stuff into my head like it means something, when all i even need to write is just punctuation and proper spelling.
i have about 10 friends in total and half of them i never hang out with because they're busy with something, and i have zero social skills either, so i can't make new friends but somehow when i was in like the 3rd grade i was able to become friends with people. it feels so loving awkward walking up to someone and saying "hey what are you doing today" hoping that you can actually do something and hangout or whatever, that stuff never really works because whoever is currently friends with someone just stays that way and if you try to become friends with someone else they just exclude you or some bullstuff because every single human being in my school are pieces of stuff except for 10% of the people who are actually in my grade.
the neighborhood i live in i absolutely hate because our neighbors are complete starfishs and the people my siblings are centered around are so shady to where i have to HOPE that nothing horrible happens and that ends making me a little more worried than i wanted to be. 3/4 of our town are just stupid people who are addicted to drugs and other dumb stuff, my parents have hinted at us moving so im not really sure if we'd be here in the next year but its looking to be that way
i've tried thinking about what i could possibly persevere in to actually make me happy for once but i really never thought of anything other than computing (which i actually like doing but in this case my school is filled with dumb kids who cant type more than 20 words a loving minute and get surprised when you ask them what a CPU is)
i play videogames most of the time that im at home and my dad is never around because hes at work when im at home, the only time i get to see him is at like 11:30 at night and thats okay i guess i don't really give a stuff, but i really like doing things with him if he actually is around (which that is very rare).
i have like 60 contacts on skype and only 5 of them i talk to because 30 is either in one gigantic skype call (see: rb2k or nals group) (no offense to you nal) or the other just dont use the loving thing so theres no people i can talk to and play videogames with or something, and five of them are either 2 of my IRL friends or 3 of the online friends who didnt really suck themselves into a giant group or something.
i had a girlfriend at one point but i stopped talking to her after a while, i've started talking to her again and shes a good friend i guess
heres the thing: i REALLY don't know what to do with myself but i would want to take classes for computing with stuff that I DO NOT KNOW or either jump into a computer club with people who know stuff like i do or something. I know some stuff about computers and i really like doing things with them, except the only computer club is about 45 miles away in chicago, and thats never fun especially when you don't know what you're getting. my dad wants to put me into a karate class but that stuff is outright uninteresting and i would not want to do that at ALL, so i said no to that.
i used to work on a website at one point and that gave me a bit of room to do things and whatnot, nobody really visits it though. (if you're curious its
http://thebigmaxx.github.io/ , on the "Files" page it has some school papers that I did as an experiment so I could download things at school, ended up not doing it after realizing its incredibly inefficient.)
anyway, i really can't find what i would do with myself and its put me in a horrible depression for the last year.
tl;dr, i am incredibly nonathletic and i don't know what to do with myself, which made me depressed.
also, sorry if some of this stuff is just nonsensical rambling, i just really need to vent and stuff.
