Jokes And Gags megathread

[Freek]

man to gag closeup portrait handsome businessman putting finger mouth throw up isolated white background

[Ad Bot]

[Electrk.]

what about goofs and gaffes?

[XR-7]

what about goofs and gaffes?

no

[Lyoko1337]

A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

[Quote Story]

NOT THAT KINDA GAG

this gag?

[Landmineman4000²]

A man walks into a bar, the bartender asks:"I give you the beer"
The man says:"Yes"
The bartender says:"It was a trick"
The man wakes up nauseauted sweating intensely, he turns to his wife and says:"Honey"
Before he can finish his wife turns around
His wife is a honey
7 grizzly bears erupt from the closet and begin eating his wife
In a fit of panic the man pretends to be a bartender
It works the bears were fooled and the man sneaks away unnoticed
The man opens the door to the living room to find that it does not lead to his living room, but to a bar
The man walks into the bar, this bar however is made of steel and is the kind you'd hang coathangers on
The man gets a concussion and spazzes out on the ground, meanwhile a bear over-indulges on his wife and falls out the window
The man passes out, he dreams of cartoon conspiracies involving people in comas
The man wakes up again still lying under the bar he knocks his head against it again
This repeated head trauma resulted in permanent brain autism and the man decides to forget one of the bears eating his wife
The man gets mauled and dies
i got a little carried away

[Ipquarx]

dammit locke you beat me to it

[GoldenLego]

dang landmine you beat me to it

[Lyoko1337]

>Why did Sarah fall off the swing set?
>Why?
>She had no arms.

>Knock Knock
>Who's there?
>Not Sarah.

[Meta_KnightX]

What did the iPad say to the Android?

iPad enough of you!!!
"Hey what do you have for jail food?" says iPhone

"Well, we got a casicydia (pronounced a bit differently than cydia)" says Pangu and Taig

[Lyoko1337]

What do you eat before a funeral?
Cheerios.

[Alphadin]

A man walks into a bar and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a foot tall man.
He then proceeds to pull out a miniature piano, and the little man begins to play the piano.
The man sits up at the bar, and the bartender asks him, "Hey where'd you get that pianist?"
"Oh, I got him from a magical genie... The lamp's got a wish left if you want to use it"
"Sure, I wish for a million bucks!"
Suddenly, ducks begin to fall from the sky.
The bartender looks absolutely stunned, looking to the man.
"That's nothing at all what I asked for!"
The man sighs, "Yeah, I think the genie is kinda deaf, I mean who the hell would ask for a twelve inch pianist?"

[gr8dayseth]

9/11

[querty67]

Liquid ass

[Lyoko1337]

Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?
Because he's married.