right now i'm in a very tricky situation (call it a catch 22 if you will), where i hate my corrupt school and my mom won't let me leave unless I tell her what I want to do in the future. i've made it clear that videos and video production is what i'm good at and i see my future going down that career path. if not that, then art. i've always had a love for art and animation but i've lost my touch at it. if it intrigued me enough to practice again I would regain my touch. she doesn't see how i could make profit off of videos or art, so she dismisses it even though i'm telling her what i want to do. i've been in high school for 3 years and i know by this point that my school is corrupt and its loving bullstuff. i really do want to show my mom my videos to prove i can pursue it with enough dedicated effort and time, but i have a crippling fear of what my family thinks of anything i make. when i was younger, I (much like other kids) made really dumb videos in their bedrooms and years after, my family dug them up again and i still get stuff on for them 7 years later. it's obviously a self-driven fear, but it's so hard to shake off. them, as well as my friends, peers, and even teachers, have driven me away from creativity and criticized me to hell and back time and time again to the point where my insecurity skyrockets whenever i put anything out. i've been told my videos are great and you guys even love them, but I never see anything i make as an accomplishment. sure, i may think every video or illustration is an improvement than the last, but i always see the flaws first in everything i create. if someone points out a minor error or something they didn't like, it drives me crazy because it was preventable. it makes video production insanely hard for myself and it also applies to art and school work. anyway, i digress. my main plan to get past this is to produce more content for YouTube and try to establish a more widespread audience. right now, I only have 91 subscribers which is an alright start to a channel i've only shown to my friends in the past six months. if I can attract more attention to it and appeal to more people, it would show my mom that what I'm doing is actually productive and not just me "wasting my time on the computer". the only issue right now is that the only time I have to make these videos is after school. when I get home, the last thing on my mind is to whip out the camera and improvise. 10.5 hours of school a day really drains the stuff out of me and gets me depressed beyond belief. this whole situation is a repeating cycle and it's digging itself deeper and deeper. when I finally crawl out, i'll see the light and i'll be able to accept my creativity and effort CAN be used for something and that people may actually enjoy things I create.
as many of you know, my dog has passed away recently. while I don't really want to bring it up anymore, the whole situation has made me feel really stuffty. when posting about a dying/dead pet, many people including myself don't do it for attention or jokes. I posted about it here because I know many people here have gone through or are going through the same situation, and I wanted to give my thoughts as well as hear others opinions. obviously it didn't go as planned and it spawned a 10-page drama. the whole thing didn't really phase me, but I did get pretty steamed by the initial postings of you know who. what really made me mad is what came afterwards. shortly after he passed, I posted an image of him with a short little message on instagram as a nice memorial to him. again, not asking for any attention, i did it just to show respect to a friend I've had for nearly 10 years through an image. what shocked me shortly after was that people (including FRIENDS of mine) decided this would be the nice place to poke fun at the situation. i'm not a dry guy, i can take a joke. hell, you can literally make humor out of anything, it all just depends on context. well, I didn't consider these jokes. posting things like "RIP harambe" and "rest in pepperoni doggo" aren't appropriate things to say on peaceful and respectful posts. i was shocked that people I knew personally would say such things, and believe me, I'm not the easily-offended type. i retaliated, calling them both loving handicaps and blocking both of them. was it immature? maybe, but I feel its more immature to crack your xD harambe jokes on a post not meant for jokes. well, I guess retaliating fired back at me. i'm now being called an starfish by many and being ganged up on because i'm apparently "calling everyone loving handicaps and bullying people". today at school, i had a full open bottle of water thrown on me while in the bathroom stall, i would imagine it's related. i don't get how i'm in the wrong as usual, but i guess i can't fight it.
i'm also sick as a dog. when i get sick, i get sick. literally every nerve in my body is tingling and i can barely breathe. don't worry, it's normal for me. i was born with a defect in the back of my nose, making it impossible to breathe/smell 75% of the time. because my mouth is dry and my throat is clogged, it's pretty hard to eat/talk/breathe. going to school for 10 hours is pretty awful feeling this way. i constantly have to go to the bathroom at school because of the loving poison they call food served there, but my teachers won't let me go to the bathroom most of the time. when i do get to go to the bathroom, i either spend too long in there and get scolded, or i end up getting stuff like full water bottles thrown at me. i want to just stay home and get some rest, but i can't because school is SO IMPORTANT. yes, my well being and rest is less important than needing to sit in several classes for hours learning absolutely nothing. because of how sick and tired i am of school, i just look like a mess honestly. people in my classes don't want to talk to me because i'm "weird". i know i'm talked about behind my back by classmates and even some "friends" (i'm glad I know I have a few friends that DONT do this, make sure to always have those friends in life.) i was excessively bullied throughout elementary and middle school and now i'm stuck in a corrupt high school learning nothing and getting sent home feeling like a loving worthless piece of nothing.
i just really hope I can escape this current situation and be able to move on with life. I know what I want to do but I can't pursue it at the moment.
