oops well now i do
Massive Rant(?) 9
so I don't really know where to start and my apologies if this topic is unorganized and ugly to read, it's just how i type
right now i'm a junior in high school studying business along with my other classes. i really didn't want to take business as my 3-4 year elective, but I switched into it because my previous one (electronics) was going down the stuffter and the teachers really didn't know what they were doing. i got relentless stuff for switching into business from the people that stayed in electronics, but I think they're finally realizing that I had the right idea. (Note : you pick your 4 year elective at the end of 9th grade, and you're not allowed to switch to a different one after the end of 10th grade)
anyway, the teachers in there were no help whatsoever. the things we were studying involved circuits, voltage, ions, etc., which was kind of interesting, but when it came to actually doing it hands-on, I couldn't make anything.
first off, people stole all of my components. I was left with around 1/4 of the stuff I needed to actually make the board work, let alone start on it. second, most of the components were broken. there were bins scattered around the room which held random components and parts, and let me tell you, digging through thousands of small pieces in a huge tub just to find a specific 300k resistor takes loving forever, especially if it's not in there.
when I would go to the teachers (yes, we had two) for help and to try and figure out what I did wrong, they would tell me the annoying rule to "ask three before me". so I would have to go around class asking people like a dipstuff why my board didn't work and I would just get called a loving idiot. i would go back to the teachers and they would tell me to just "troubleshoot it", which is the most vague god damn term in existence. literally, troubleshooting it could mean ANYTHING, there were no specific guidelines.
by around March of this year, I had enough of it and decided to switch to a different elective. I got an extreme amount of rude comments my way about how i'm just lazy and that i should just leave the school in it's entirety. after signing my life away on school papers, i eventually switched into business by April.
i've been in business ever since and it sucks. I understand what we're doing and how to do it, it's just all very boring and it makes me pretty depressed. being in a windowless room for almost 2 hours a day working on 401k spreadsheets and working on fake finances really drives you insane and makes you forget there's an outside world. i prefer it to electronics, but it's not how I like spending my time everyday.
anyway, our business class competes in BPA (Business Professionals of America) every year. my team (me, my friend, and an autistic kid) are doing Video Production. I chose it because it's pretty much the only thing I'm passionate in, but i'll get to that later. the subject for the video we have to do is Teen Tire Safety. we did not choose it, they just assign it to every video prod. team across the country. it loving sucks trying to make a "teen tire safety" video, believe me.
The way all of this works is that we start out at locals (the county) and after that we compete at the State level, then if we're lucky, we would go to Nationals which this year, is being held in Orlando. Pretty sick, right? Well, it's bullstuff for me. Our team is definitely going to win locals, it's easy as hell, but to advance to State, every team member in your group MUST have a grade average of an 85% or more. My grade average for the last 4 or 5 years has been below an 80%, there is no possible way I can get it up that high.
These are my grades as of today. They may not look that horrible, but my schools grading scale is insanely high. Those grades are an F, D, F, D, D, C, and a B. My grade average is a 73 as usual.
This means that my entire group can't go to Orlando because of me. I don't really care about orlando, but two other people are missing out on a 5 day vacation to Florida with hotel and travel costs paid for, just because of my unrelated other grades. It makes me feel like the biggest loving loser on Earth because it's all my fault. They could have just joined a different group and they would be enjoying themselves in the sunshine state.
besides all that, I don't want to succeed in business in the future. I only took the class because I think the idea of the 4 year elective is handicapped, and because it's good to know a little bit of financing and about money for the future.
right now, my main motive for the future is to make videos and things revolving around that. a majority of you have seen me act like an idiot on camera, so you know the kind of stuff I'm making at the moment already. it's all fairly simple and all improvised, it's just to try and start a small viewership. it's what I'm good at and from what I've seen, people like it. I've always hated everything i've ever made and have just focused on the flaws of my finished products. I see everything as a minor improvement and never as a success or as my best.
when I was younger, everybody always asked me "What do you want to do when you get older?" and I never had an answer. every single day, my inspirations and goals change, i'm just that type of person. some days I'll focus on videos, some I'll focus on drawing, some on music, skateboarding, game development, photography, etc. I can never get anything done because I'm doing everything. when I was younger, I probably listed 100 different occupations I wanted to be over the course of 8 years. I've almost never been able to find what I'm good at and stick with it.
at a young age, I drew a lot. I loved drawing and especially cartoons. i saw cartoons as a way of portraying human interactions and situations but without restrictions. it's pretty obvious, but it's true. I grew up drawing a lot of dumb stuff that didn't make sense, but you could get something out of it if you tried deciphering it long enough. going through elementary school, I took a mandatory art class for 8 years with the same old bitch as my teacher. she constantly criticized all of my assignments and even told me in 6th grade that I wouldn't make it anywhere as an animator. my friends would also stuff on my drawings too and rip them up and scribble all over them. all of that really deterred me away from drawing as a whole, but I still draw on occasion, just not publicly.
when I was 6 or 7, I was introduced to the miracle that was Hypercam 2. combined with cutting edge software like windows movie maker, you could actually upload these creations to a new hit platform known as YouTube!! simply put, I discovered the basics of video editing and how it all works when I was younger. from then on, I made video after video of dumb stuff (runescape, club penguin, MS Paint videos)
around age 9 or 10, I started making my own skit videos inspired by channels like smosh or any other popular comedy channel at the time. I had around 23 subscribers and nobody really watched any of them, but my family would just poke fun at me for them. I didn't really care at the time, but as I got older I realized how dumb and annoying I was, so I removed them all. to this day, my family still brings it up out of nowhere, even though I deleted my channel in 2010. keep in mind, I hate everything I make, especially things made in 2008. to constantly have to remember how cringey and handicapped I was, it makes me so loving mad.
all I want to do right now is focus on videos and content, but my family is just breathing down my back, forcing me to try new things constantly. the only thing I've ever made of myself that I've stuck with is video editing, and it's what I'm good at. I'm half-satisfied with what I've made recently, but I know they wouldn't like it. they consider me unproductive and lazy because to them, I haven't made anything. I don't want to show them anything I make now because they're just going to drive my insecurity to the sky. I've told them this, and they just tell me to stop blaming them for making me feel so insecure. apparently everything just leads back to being my fault. anyway, all of that is really a tough catch 22 situation
i don't really know where to go from this or what else to type, so I'm going to leave my thoughts at that for now. If I want to bring anything else up, I'll add on to this. i just needed to get stuff off my chest
