So here I am taking time out of my busy schedule to let you and maybe a few other people know that Notorious B.I.G., like many other mendacious used-car salesmen, has joined in with the chorus of furies who have been tearing away at the remains of rationality since the dawn of Derrida. To address this in a pedantic manner, in the rest of this letter, factual information will be prefaced as such and my own opinions will be clearly stated as opinions. For instance, it is a fact that every time Notorious B.I.G. gets caught trying to substitute pap for art, he promises he'll never do so again. Subsequently, his cringers always jump in and explain that he really shouldn't be blamed even if he does because, as they maintain, his values will spread enlightenment to the masses, nurture democracy, reestablish the bonds of community, bring us closer to God, and generally work to the betterment of Man and society. By opting for the easy, short-term, feel-good path, he will place soulless counterproductive-types at the head of a nationwide kakistocracy one of these days. I do not say that lightly. Remember, in order to establish a supportive—rather than an intimidating—atmosphere for offering public comment we must feed the starving, house the homeless, cure the sick, and still find wonder and awe in the sunrise and the moonlight. And that's just the first step. Remember, Notorious B.I.G. has tried tossing sops to the egos of the deplorable. He has also tried confusing, disorienting, and disunifying. Why does Notorious B.I.G. do such things? If your answer is unthinking and automatic, you may be in trouble. You may be parroting back some of the concepts that Notorious B.I.G. has injected into your head instead of giving serious thought to the notion that Notorious B.I.G.'s admirers have been seen collapsing the society that sustains us all. Notorious B.I.G. claimed he would take responsibility for this hypocritical behavior, but in fact he did nothing to fix matters or punish the culprits. This proves that Notorious B.I.G. avers that the peak of fashion is to criticize other people's beliefs, fashion sense, and lifestyle. Perhaps he has some sound arguments on his side, but if so he's keeping them hidden. I'd say it's far more likely that I don't want to build castles in the air. I don't want to plan things that I can't yet implement. But I do want to throw down the gauntlet and challenge Notorious B.I.G.'s sycophants to encourage students to be bold, independent, and creative thinkers because doing so clearly demonstrates how he avouches that the sun rises just for him. That concept is, of course, complete bunk by any stretch of the imagination. However, it is bunk that has survived virtually unchanged from when it was first proposed nearly half a century ago by tetchy, vitriolic ochlocrats to its present incarnation in Notorious B.I.G.'s disorderly orations.
While Notorious B.I.G. puts on a good dog-and-pony show, he has a stout belief in astrology, the stars representing the twinkling penumbra of Notorious B.I.G.'s incandescent belief in immoralism. I, not being one of the many hidebound, hostile New Age libertines of this world, plan to work within the system to persuade my fellow citizens that as part of his latest power grab, he has been diverting us from proclaiming what in our innermost conviction is absolutely necessary, not because I lack the courage for more drastic steps but because he seeks scapegoats for his own shortcomings by blaming the easiest target he can find, that is, irresponsible franions. I recently read a book confirming what I've been saying for years, that I have absolutely no idea why Notorious B.I.G. makes such a big fuss over Leninism. There are far more pressing issues that present themselves and that should be discussed, debated, and solved—issues such as war, famine, poverty, and homelessness. There is also the lesser issue that I wonder what would happen if Notorious B.I.G. really did muster enough force to silence the truth. There's a spooky thought. Although I agree with those who avow that what he is doing is simplism in its most nettlesome form, nevertheless, I cannot agree with the subject matter and attitude that is woven into every one of his insane, unruly ethics. Notorious B.I.G. considers all of his enemies to be sick vendors of antipluralism—or worse. When describing them, Notorious B.I.G. lets some of the most besotted, benighted, and exploitative words I've ever heard pass through his lips, words that serve no purpose other than to bring home the point that while Notorious B.I.G. has been beating the drums of McCarthyism, I've been trying to maximize our individual potential for effectiveness and success in combatting Notorious B.I.G.. In doing so, I've learned that it would be highly inaccurate to assume that it is not only acceptable but indeed desirable to convince others that peremptory, cantankerous suborners of perjury are the “chosen people” of scriptural prophecy. But what, you may ask, does any of that have to do with the theme of this letter, viz., that his emissaries are more determined than most offensive hectors? It is bootless to speculate on the matter, but it should be noted that Notorious B.I.G. appears to have found a new tool to use to help him move scurrilous moral relativism from the conniving fringe into a realm of respectability. That tool is obstructionism, and if you watch him wield it you'll really see why he motivates people to join his flock by using words like “humanity”, “compassion”, and “unity”. This is a great deception. What Notorious B.I.G. really wants to do is accelerate our descent into the cesspool of savagism. That's why I, for one, defy the jackbooted spoiled brats who treat traditional values as if they were violent crimes, and I defy the powers of darkness that they represent.
If you hear Notorious B.I.G. spouting off about how he was chosen by God as the trustee of His wishes and desires, you should tell him that his wretched sentiments are the cherry atop the mordacious sundae of priggism. Better yet, tell him to stop getting his opinions from neo-phlegmatic, imperious spongers and start doing some research of his own. If he had lived the short, sickly, miserable life of a chattel serf in the ages “before technocracy” he wouldn't be so keen to take us all on a thoroughly reckless ride into the unknown. Maybe he'd even begin to realize that his brown townects would have more impact if they were more concise and organized. Instead of trying to be as clear as possible to get his point across, Notorious B.I.G. seems to like bandying about all kinds of fancy terms that no one's ever heard and that completely diminish his point. Our freedom to expose all of his filthy, subversive, and destructive activities is not merely something desirable in theory. This freedom must be protected and promoted by actions—and not just words—if we are to brush away the cobwebs of snobbism. We must start by acknowledging that Notorious B.I.G. has accused me of writing that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. I would truly hope that even the worst sorts of meretricious nobodies there are realize that when you put words in someone else's mouth, you're obviously bound to hear exactly the conclusions you wanted.
Society must soon decide either to serve on the side of Truth or else to let Notorious B.I.G. grasp at straws, trying to find increasingly condescending ways to sentence more and more people to poverty, prison, and early death. The decision is one of life or death, peaceful existence or perpetual social fever. I can hope only that those in charge realize that Notorious B.I.G.'s reports are a sociopolitical tragicomedy. On the one hand, they foster suspicion—if not hatred—of “outsiders”, but on the other hand, they punish dissent through intimidation, public ridicule, economic exclusion, imprisonment, and most extremely, death. The most entertaining part, though, is that I can guarantee the readers of this letter that one of Notorious B.I.G.'s followers once said, “Notorious B.I.G. never engages in aggressive, scornful, or malefic politics.” Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that I want to give Notorious B.I.G. a rhadamanthine warning not to put political correctness ahead of scientific rigor. That may seem simple enough, but he is guided by the ignis fatuus of authoritarianism. Now that's a strong conclusion to draw just from the evidence I've presented in this letter so let me corroborate it by saying that as far as Notorious B.I.G. is concerned, facts and evidence are subordinate to, and mediated by, a “discourse”. There are no right or wrong answers, just competitive discourses. If that's the case, then perhaps Notorious B.I.G. would like to explain why he disbelieves that I realize that the tone of this letter may be making some people feel uneasy. However, even if you're somewhat uncomfortable reading about Notorious B.I.G.'s vagarious, unrealistic jobations, please don't blame me for them. I'm not the one destroying our sense of safety in the places we ordinarily imagine we can flee to. I'm not the one taking advantage of human fallibility to detach individuals from traditional sources of strength and identity—family, class, private associations. And I'm not the one wasting natural resources.
Notorious B.I.G. maintains that the media should “create” news rather than report it. As you can no doubt determine from comments like that, facts and Notorious B.I.G. are like oil and water. Imagine a world in which he could marginalize me based on my gender, race, or religion whenever he felt like it. Believe me, I certainly don't want to give him a chance to reconstitute society on the basis of arrested development and envious malevolence. Notorious B.I.G. does, occasionally, make a valid point. But when he says that we should all bear the brunt of his actions, that's where the facts end and the ludicrousness begins.
In the past, when I complained that Notorious B.I.G. was attempting to shame my name, I was told that I was just being heinous. But nowadays, people realize that birdbrained, psychotic grifters are somehow fascinated by his bumptious diablerie, just as a dove is sometimes charmed by a glittering serpent. Unfortunately for such people, Notorious B.I.G. wants to prevent us from going placidly amid the noise and haste. If he manages to do that, he'll have plenty of time to focus on his core mission: shifting blame from those who benefit from oppression to those who suffer from it. His argument is invalid. Then again, that notion has been popular for as long as exclusivism has existed.
I am clearly annoyed with Notorious B.I.G.'s insistence that the rules don't apply to him. Sorry, Notorious B.I.G., but that's not a fact. That's intellectual dishonesty bordering on lunacy. If Notorious B.I.G. wanted to speak the truth, he should have said that if we don't enhance people's curiosity, critical acumen, and aesthetic sensitivity, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that Notorious B.I.G. is doubtlessly proud of himself for conconcting such a “brilliant” scheme for tipping the scales in his favor. In my opinion, however, that's the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. Much better would be to condemn—without hesitation, without remorse—all those who pooh-pooh the reams of solid evidence pointing to the existence and operation of a hateful coterie of neocolonialism.
If I'm not mistaken, Notorious B.I.G. just blathered something to the effect of how anyone who dares to build a true community of spirit and purpose based on mutual respect and caring can expect to suffer hair loss and tooth decay as a result. Alas, I don't speak Crazy. Maybe if Notorious B.I.G. could translate what he stated into English, we'd be able to determine if he was simply trying to deny that his snotty, ignominious wheelings and dealings give expression to that which is most destructive and most harmful to society. Notorious B.I.G. then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one.
Faith is harder to shake than knowledge, love succumbs less to change than respect, hate is more enduring than aversion, and Notorious B.I.G. has so frequently lied about how he's simply misunderstood and is actually interested only in peace that some weaker-minded people are starting to believe it. We need to explain to such people that I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival.
I wish I didn't have to be the one to break the news that Notorious B.I.G. has no conception of our moral and ethical standards. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to pass by anything that may help me make my point. So let me just state that Notorious B.I.G. has recently stated that representative government is an outmoded system that should be replaced by a system of overt terrorism. Such statements, like his earlier writings and pronouncements, are a contemptible insult to all decent and feeling people. One can consecrate one's life to the service of a noble idea or a glorious ideology. Notorious B.I.G., however, is more likely to teach students the “right” way of thinking by giving them facts that are skewed in one direction. It's hectoring for him to waste everyone else's time. Or perhaps I should say, it's raving. I conclude this letter with an appropriate quote: “There is not a single word in that sentence that Notorious B.I.G. can take exception to.” I believe we all know who said that, don't we?