this could just be fueled by the lo-fi hip hop beats to jack off to that i'm listening to, but for quite a bit now, I've been feeling real out of it. like, I got no friends other than ones over the internet, while yeah, these friends are cool af, I can't really socialize the same as say, people next to me. I can totally say something like "purge furries something something I wanna kill myself (something else edgy here)" with people online, and get a guffaw or two, or a "same tbh" but like, if I were to say this stuff in public i'd most definitely get dead looks.
Basically, i'm antisocial. and i've trained myself up to a point where I can't really talk to people without fear of being looked sideways at. stuff sucks. I've been overly violent, like i'll break stuff like my keyboard over the smallest of things, spout obscenities over video game losses, the whole cringe neckbeard thing. Despite this fact, I can't lay a finger on someone, especiallly not animals. hell, I think I treat animals better than people. I don't know what's up but yeah, that's it. My personal hygiene is godawful. I really don't want to go much into it, but basically, i'll tell myself every night "brush your teeth man, it's been (x) amount of (days, weeks)" and I tell myself over and over, and I walk right by. I don't even remember what color my toothbrush is. I got entrepreneur les all over my face, I wear sweatpants and t-shirts one size too big outside (those moments when I do go outside) I hate talking about myself in the slightest, other than say, an autistic rant to a block forum (weird, right?)
My only skills, and to a very, very limited extent, are probably music and video games. as much as i'd like to pursue a career in music, where am I gonna go? the forget am I gonna do? like, I know a videogame company isn't gonna knock on my door and go "hey make music we give money thank u thank u" and i'm not even that good. I mean, I tell myself i'm not good. my dad says i'm good, but I just don't want to believe it. I guess that's another problem: I can't take a compliment. every time I hear "good job" my mind translates it to "forget you." and I hate it. I wanna be able to accept compliments. another is criticism. I become a babbling mess if i'm criticized, I become the human equivalent to a jar of jelly.
I'm all over the place rn. sorry.
Another thing I guess I can't do is get a job. Like, one of the very few things I actually TRY to do is get a job, so I can make money, so I can get what I want. Goods & services and all that jazz. I've sent out applications, resumes, attended job tryouts in my best wear, (which is only suit pants, a black dress shirt, and a hairtie. I use my normal Sketchers now brown, previously white shoes) and I put on my best "person face" where I act like a human being, saying stuff like "Hello Sir" and "Hello Ma'am" and stuff. I've yet to get even a "no" back from these places. I've applied to Target, Subway, Food Lion, some family mexican restaraunt (fat chance at getting that) and not a single response.
I just want to function like a human being.
Another thing I loving despise is my brother, and it isn't even for good reason. like, yeah he may be a sociopathic thieving forget, but I hate him because he's a loving PEOPLE PERSON. He dresses in flannels, beanies, glasses, skinny jeans, and he's had at least 7 girls on his richard at once. not that I care, I'm too fargone to even want to talk to people, let alone flirt, but if given the chance, i'd be happy. I try to be like him, my YOUNGER brother, and I can't. he's even a better musician. I feel like he's everything I could have been, keyword being have. I feel as though some days if I just walk into the forest and don't come back, the family will be back to barbecuing burgers on the dirty grill in the back, talking about the failure they once had. and yet at the same time, the only thing keeping me from actually trying anything is "but what IF they are sad". Yeah, a meme response but a response all the same. I love my Dad especially. He seems like the only one that cares about me at the moment. I mean, yeah my mom gives me a house to live under and clothing and stuff, but my dad, he's telling me what to wear, consistently reminding me to brush my teeth, we all eat at the table at the same time, it's a well rounded meal of fish, veggies, rice, and other things. I feel as though if I tried anything, I would have wronged him. God DAMN this stuff hurts to type. I really do love him, he's a great dad. the only i've ever known, but I feel like he's doing the "dad" thing right, even if it's two different households. IDK man maybe I just need to spend some time away from electronics, go live on a farm or something, pet a pig or two, pick some eggs, play with the goats again.
I know i'm setting myself up to get laughed at over the internet by saying all this stuff, but I couldn't care less rn, I just want to get it off my chest. sorry y'all.
Hell while i'm here I might as well apologize to those i've wronged. Tony, you may be a raging friend, but that doesn't excuse what I did at all. posting that info and being a condescending forget and all. by the by, all you need to do is look up your internet handle and the info is there. I suggest requesting a takedown. Sebi, or Sebastian, or whatever the forget you want to be called nowadays, i'm sorry about calling your friend an unfunny edgelord. he just rubbed me the wrong way, and seemed to really force those edgy jokes. I wasn't aware it was a character. and i'm sorry for responding with that condescending (woah, big word twice in the span of 3 sentences) thumbs up.
