-snip-
like it's safer to feel because i can understand it and there's no risk of losing it because i'm already at my worst
That's almost exactly it!
Although sometimes for me I think it's also just wanting stability, as in just feeling bad vs feeling great and then .5 seconds later being in the pits of despair and then 30 minutes later feeling good again.
Sometimes it's just easier and less disappointing and stressful to try and stay down.