Author Topic: Quick War story  (Read 1872 times)

Here is a short chapter of a war story, that I made up. I might continue if the first chapter goes well.

Chapter 1

While sitting in a cluttered church, filled with medicine and weaponry, on the second floor. I heard a sound coming from the window to the right of me. It sounded like some sort of tank rolling by. I went to check out what the noise was. Once I glanced outside the dirty old window. I saw... A German tanks heading my way. I rushed to grab my gun. Right when I grabbed it a gun shot was fired, from the tank. In a split second the bottom of the church started to collapse, at one side. While the church was falling apart quickly. I ran threw the back window and leaped out. When taking cover behind a fence, watching the German tank, taking down the church. I found a group of American soldiers a few blocks back. I rushed threw a hole in the fence, hoping the German tank wouldn't spot me. Once I got to the men. They shouted, "Hey its another American solider". Right then and there, I yelled back, "A German tank is coming"! They sprouted up in an instant, grabing there weapons, ready to fight anything. Since the tank was heading around the buildings blowing them away like a rock rolling over a ant. We had to come up with a plan to destroy the tank and get out of there quickly as possible.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2009, 06:44:02 PM by TheArchitect »

Quote
Location:    United States of America
I loving hope your native language isn't English.

I loving hope your native language isn't English.
Why do you think this story is set up in, Location:    United States of America. Cause it is set up in Germany.

Some of the works are used wrong. Like "threw" should be "through" in most cases. Also, some periods were not where they should have been, and commas in wrong places.
It seemed a bit boring to me. The lack of strong verbs and good word choice kinda ran it down.

Why do you think this story is set up in, Location:    United States of America. Cause it is set up in Germany.

He's talking about your profile page, it says that your location is the United States of America.

He is saying that he hopes your native language isn't English because of the large amount of grammar issues in your story.

My native language is English. My bad grammar is probably cause of my age.

My native language is English. My bad grammar is probably cause of my age.

Quote
Age:     N/A

probably.

Stop writing stories, they suck

Stop writing stories, they suck
Ok, I was giving myself a 2nd try.

Let me try writing this better.

     My heart raced. The stuffy air made my head swim. I looked around the loft of the church, they had medicine for what I was experiencing; I didn't bother. What's the point. The rumble came low and soft. I heard the rugged voice of someone near by; "Ah forget, another tank."
     As much as it pained me to get up, I figured it would be better to limp 15 feet than bend over and take a German shell up the ass. I hobbled over to the grimy window; A tank. Just what we need.
     In a heartbeat, I was back across the room heading for my gun. A muffled voice was screaming in German, a half second later the air seemed to explode.
     The worst feeling ever was accompanied with a heart-wrenching noise. The church was collapsing beneath me and I felt the floor lose its structural integrity. I did my best to sprint to the far edge of the building, throwing myself out a window I braced for impact.
     The pain came fast and searing. It felt like I broke my leg. Gingerly putting weight on it, I hobbled to cover. I saw the rest of my squad rushing for cover up the road that ran parallel to the road the tank was rolling up, on the other side of the church.
     I ran through the buildings scattered around the streets; doing my best to avoid the view of merciless Germans. I reached the squad in time, making a blunt noise intended to get their intention. One of the men turned around and said, both to the rest of the troop and me "We've got a live one, get your half-dead ass up here."
     I made a babbling noise that apparently came out something to the effect of "There's a tank, street, coming up, need to hide."
     The soldier that had turned around again looked at me, this time with the biggest look of amazement on his face. He said "No stuff, you think we somehow missed that?" A shell hit a building near us. Someone yelled "In that building!" We looked over to see several people shuffling into a sound building that would hold- but not for long.
     The tank was tearing the town a new one. It had to dealt with- and the town advancing. We had a sickening feeling this was only the spearhead of the German advance.

Let me try writing this better.

     My heart raced. The stuffy air made my head swim. I looked around the loft of the church, they had medicine for what I was experiencing; I didn't bother. What's the point. The rumble came low and soft. I heard the rugged voice of someone near by; "Ah forget, another tank."
     As much as it pained me to get up, I figured it would be better to limp 15 feet than bend over and take a German shell up the ass. I hobbled over to the grimy window; A tank. Just what we need.
     In a heartbeat, I was back across the room heading for my gun. A muffled voice was screaming in German, a half second later the air seemed to explode.
     The worst feeling ever was accompanied with a heart-wrenching noise. The church was collapsing beneath me and I felt the floor lose its structural integrity. I did my best to sprint to the far edge of the building, throwing myself out a window I braced for impact.
     The pain came fast and searing. It felt like I broke my leg. Gingerly putting weight on it, I hobbled to cover. I saw the rest of my squad rushing for cover up the road that ran parallel to the road the tank was rolling up, on the other side of the church.
     I ran through the buildings scattered around the streets; doing my best to avoid the view of merciless Germans. I reached the squad in time, making a blunt noise intended to get their intention. One of the men turned around and said, both to the rest of the troop and me "We've got a live one, get your half-dead ass up here."
     I made a babbling noise that apparently came out something to the effect of "There's a tank, street, coming up, need to hide."
     The soldier that had turned around again looked at me, this time with the biggest look of amazement on his face. He said "No stuff, you think we somehow missed that?" A shell hit a building near us. Someone yelled "In that building!" We looked over to see several people shuffling into a sound building that would hold- but not for long.
     The tank was tearing the town a new one. It had to dealt with- and the town advancing. We had a sickening feeling this was only the spearhead of the German advance.

Wow, this is a lot better.


barely. lots of mistakes.
From his story, or period?

Like, mistakes changing from his version to mine, or just mistakes in general.

Your story is to basic, its to simple it's like following one path.


it's like

Im going to the kitchen, im at the kitchen getting a knife, the kitchen sink is flooding, my kitchen is ruined.

-Ultra Snip-
Well written, I actually enjoyed reading it. Unlike Architect's story.