I love it. I fracking lost. Hard. I am not kidding.
Then you sir will love the following. Same warning applies as last time.
Frankly, I've had a somewhat tepid opinion of the beverage known as Mountain Dew ever since their parent company ceased being interested in whether I “enjoy” it and began to insist on more severe verbs applied to its use. As examples, I submit: “slam” or the ever nebulous “do” both ending in “ing” and both inserted in places where “drinking” would normally be used. While I understand that they are trying to persuade me that Mountain Dew is an excellent choice of beverage when pedaling one's BMX bike to altitudes requiring a commercial pilot’s license, I want more. I'd like them to at least acknowledge there are other times I might consider drinking their product. For example, perhaps on the rare occasions when I'm not engaging in extreme sports or eluding the tiresome hoards of supermodels that pester me for my phone number. Perhaps, and I realize this is a bold statement, I would want a Mountain Dew then and, in lieu of slamming, I might also want to “drink” it in a more civilized fashion.
Then again, “normal” is a questionable adjective to apply to most of the products in the Mountain Dew family of beverages. To cut right to the quick, how normal can a beverage possibly be when it comes out of the can in a lovely shade of electric green? This situation has not improved since they set about expanding their product line. At last check, I've spotted beverages purporting to be Mountain Dew in red, orange, yellow, black, and blue. At one point, in my misspent youth, I could have probably told you what all these colors stood for/tasted like, as I did them all with the regularity of a heroin addict. Now, married and feeling my years, I see the “blue” variety, and my first thought is “antifreeze.”
But in the interest of being factual, it seems odd that, with the exception of standard Dew, all their sub-flavors bear vaguely menacing monikers. Live Wire? Code Red? Baja Blast? Where are the live wires? Why are we at code red? And who are we blasting in Baja? These are, in my opinion, better phrases saved to describe actual disconcerting situations and not frittered away on liquid calories best consumed while using my skateboard as a centrifuge.
This also might be a good time to take issue with the overarching name of the substances in question. Mountain Dew? I have two questions: where is this mountain, and what disaster has both carbonated and caffeinated the dew? Were there any survivors? Alright, that's three questions. Admittedly, “Yellow Sugar Elixir” doesn't roll off the tongue in quite the same manner, but with a name like Mountain Dew, I can't help but wonder if I'm drinking some byproduct of the Chernobyl incident. If so, does that mean the subsequent developments in the product line were the fault of Three Mile Island (perhaps blamed on live wires)? If so, we must order a “Code Red” and commence bombing Russia (operation Baja Blast). All this because the fallout will be delicious.
And since we are steadily criticizing every aspect of the yellow elixir's existence, let us pause a moment and consider the can. Lately, it appears their art department hired a disenfranchised Wheel of Fortune player to redesign the container. “Buy a vowel... I'll show you, Sajak!” For those not in the know, “Mountain” has been completely stripped of its vowels, leaving it as “Mtn,” and I think the only reason “Dew” was allowed to keep its “E” is because it was overlooked. Any day, I imagine soda machines everywhere will be stocked with a product called “MTNDW,” leading us to wonder, when we press the button, if we'll get a soda or a share of stock.
Regardless, do it if you must. Slam it if you will. Take up skydiving with it if that's what it takes to get the full experience. Frankly, I don't care. Me? I'm going to stick with drinking the stuff and vainly hoping they don't omit any more vowels. If I feel the need to apply other verbs to it, there is always sip, slurp, swallow, and imbibe – and eventually belch, but that is somewhat ex post facto. Now, excuse me, I need some roller blades, a large ramp, and the prop man from The Rocketeer. Code Red!
