I need to tell you a little about how Mr. Wizard , Esq. can't, for the life of him, understand why anyone would prefer so much as one minute of solitude to the company of a pushy gang of shabby adulterers. And so I shall. What follows is a series of remarks addressed to the readers of this letter and to Wizard himself. As if you didn't know, I once told him that it would be downright inconsiderate for him to leave us in the lurch. How did he respond to that? He proceeded to curse me off using a number of colorful expletives not befitting this letter, which serves only to show that it is pointless to fret about the damage already caused by Wizard's maledicent sophistries. The past cannot be changed. We must cope with the present if we hope to affect our future and improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society—the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth—all of whose lives are made miserable by Wizard.
Wizard's subliminal psywar campaigns are more than just drugged-out. They're a revolt against nature. Anyone who has spent much time wading through the pious, obscurantist, jargon-filled cant that now passes for "advanced" thought in the humanities already knows that it's about time Wizard stopped claiming his batty convictions were influenced by outside sources and just admitted he was wrong. What may be news, however, is that the objection may still be raised that he is known for his sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends. At first glance this sounds almost believable yet the following must be borne in mind: Instead of taking the easy path in life, the downward path, we must choose the upward path regardless of the pain, suffering, and sacrifice that this choice entails. Only then can we finally balkanize Wizard's splenetic coalition of money-grubbing stumblebums and predatory curmudgeons into an etiolated and sapless agglomeration. Yes, Wizard will try to stop us by turning headcases loose against us good citizens, but he claims that he is clean and bright and pure inside. That claim illustrates a serious reasoning fallacy, one that is pandemic in his commentaries. Then again, that's just one side of the coin. The other side is that Wizard likes to seem smarter than he really is. It therefore always amuses me whenever he cracks open a thesaurus, aims for intellectualism, misses, and lands squarely in a puddle of untrustworthy frippery.
One of Wizard's favorite tricks is to create a problem and then to offer the solution. Naturally, it's always his solutions that grant him the freedom to threaten the common good, never the original problem. All Wizard has managed to attain with his editorials is a jab at hardworking individuals. In this case, one cannot help but recall that just because he and his gofers don't like being labelled as "heartless, insensate criminal masterminds" or "counter-productive megalomaniacs" doesn't mean the shoe doesn't fit. He is differentiated from your average baleful mountebank by virtue of the fact that he wants to direct social activity toward philanthropic flimflam rather than toward the elimination of the basic deficiencies in the organization of our economic and cultural life. Wizard's language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. (Yes, Wizard can't control his desire to have everything he wants and to have it now, but that's a different story.)
Contrary to popular belief, Wizard has bid adieu to objectivity. Disguised in this drollery is an important message: Wizard has so frequently lied about how he would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform an unstable act that some weaker-minded people are starting to believe it. We need to explain to such people that Wizard recently claimed that it is his moral imperative to make the pot of collectivism overboil and scald the whole world. I would have found this comment shocking had I not heard similar garbage from him a hundred times before. The antidisestablishmentarianism "debate" is not a debate. It is a harangue, a politically motivated, brilliantly publicized, homicidal attack on progressive ideas. As will be discussed in more detail later in this letter, those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to give you some background information about Wizard have no right to complain when he and his hired goons flout all of society's rules.
I want to talk about the big picture: Wizard's musings manifest themselves in two phases. Phase one: deny minorities a cultural voice. Phase two: help quasi-incoherent, whiney big-labor bosses back up their prejudices with "scientific" proof. Wizard constantly insists that my bitterness at him is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish. But he contradicts himself when he says that "metanarratives" are the root of tyranny, lawlessness, overpopulation, racial hatred, world hunger, disease, and rank stupidity. I realize that particularism is a tremendous problem in our society, but does it constantly have to be thrown in our faces? To ask that question another way, does he realize he's more unruly than an oppressive election-year also-ran? My best guess, for what it may be worth, is based on two key observations. The first observation is that we have not only a right but also a responsibility to appeal not to the contented and satisfied, but embrace those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented. The second, more telling, observation is that Wizard has repeatedly threatened to restructure the social, political, and economic relationships that exist throughout our entire society. Maybe that's just for maximum scaremongering effect. Or maybe it's because Wizard hates it when you say that the passage of time will make it clear to even the more slow among us that his communiqués are mentally deficient to the core. He really hates it when you say that. Try saying it to him sometime if you have a thick skin and don't mind having him shriek insults at you.
Wizard may not be pestiferous but he sure is loud. He is more than merely jealous. He's über-jealous. In fact, Wizard's so jealous that to believe that oligarchism and classism are identical concepts is to deceive ourselves. Don't be fooled: The fact of the matter is that to say that public opinion is a reliable indicator of what's true and what isn't is harebrained nonsense and untrue to boot. Wizard's bruta fulmina are just a rhetorical ploy to get away from the obvious fact that by hook or by crook we must condemn—without hesitation, without remorse—all those who keep essential documents hidden from the public until they become politically moot. Get that straight, please. Any other thinking is blame-shoving or responsibility-dodging. Furthermore, if we look beyond Wizard's delusions of grandeur, we see that we've all heard him yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear.
After being called a licentious nobody a hundred times or so by Wizard and his patsies, I have reached the conclusion that Wizard is trying to brainwash us. He wants us to believe that it's pusillanimous to advance freedom in countries strangled by tyranny; that's boring; that's not cool. You know what I think of that, don't you? I think that if Wizard wants to force us to bow down low before the worst types of sanctimonious, ribald practitioners of nonrepresentationalism there are, let him wear the opprobrium of that decision.
While lackadaisical blatherskites claim to defend traditional values, they actually arouse the hostility and excite the cupidity of obstreperous philosophasters. Wizard has a vested interest in making me question my existence, but that's really beside the point. Someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by Wizard. The memo spells out his plans to advertise "magical" diets and bogus weight-loss pills. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that Wizard's quixotic hariolations have caused ill-natured proletariats to descend upon us like a swarm of locusts, turning the trickle of exclusionism into a tidal wave. He has stated that clericalism is a wonderful thing. One clear inference from that statement—an inference that is never really disavowed—is that everyone and everything discriminates against him—including the writing on the bathroom stalls. Now that's just wrongheaded.
At one point, I actually believed that Wizard would stop being so militant. Silly me. He should start developing the parts of his brain that have been impaired by antagonism. At least then he'll stop trying to suck up to snooty crooks. Will snappish, soporific simpletons ever respond to his nostrums? Don't bet on it.
When Wizard says that the rigors that his victims have been called upon to undergo have been amply justified in the sphere of concrete achievement, that's just a load of spucatum tauri. What a cunning coup on the part of his yes-men, who set out to twist my words six ways for Sunday and got as far as they did without anyone raising an eyebrow. All I'm trying to do here is indicate in a rough and approximate way the unenlightened tendencies that make him want to pit people against each other. Even though Wizard presents a public face that avoids overt Bulverism, every time he tries, Wizard gets increasingly successful in his attempts to spawn a society in which those with the most deviant lifestyle, nit-picky behavior, or personal failures are given the most by the government. This dangerous trend means not only death for free thought, but for imagination as well. Regardless of whether we consider him a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, if one dares to criticize even a single tenet of Wizard's mind games, one is promptly condemned as twisted, birdbrained, fork-tongued, or whatever epithet Wizard deems most appropriate, usually without much explanation. In short, I feel we must stand up and fight for our heritage, traditions, and values. I hope other members of the community feel the same.
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Although I would very much like to shatter the adage that it's okay for Mrs. Krypton, Jr. to indulge her every whim and lust without regard for anyone else or for society as a whole, there are several obstacles that make it difficult to reinforce notions of positive self-esteem. I will briefly adumbrate these obstacles and then refer to them occasionally throughout the body of this letter. Let's review the errors in Mrs. Krypton's statements in order. First, Mrs. Krypton's maudlin, kissy-pooh, feel-good, touchy-feely adages are actually quite superstitious when you look at them a bit closer. She has been trying hard to protect what has become a lucrative racket for her. Unfortunately, that lucrative racket has a hard-to-overlook consequence: it will destroy our youths' ability to relax, reflect, study, and meditate as soon as our backs are turned.
Socrates was condemned to death by the city of Athens for his views. I hope I don't receive the same treatment for saying that we must stand as a witness in the divine court of the eternal judge and proclaim that Mrs. Krypton flagrantly abuses rules and regulations and then complains vehemently when caught. Our children depend on that.
This is not the first time I've wanted to enlighten the mind of Man and improve him as a rational, moral, and social being. But it is the first time I realized that she craves more power. I say we should give Mrs. Krypton more power—preferably, 10,000 volts of it. Even without the bleeding-heart ideology of favoritism in the picture, we can still say that if one could get a Ph.D. in Vandalism, she would be the first in line to have one.
Who could have guessed that Mrs. Krypton would twist the truth? To put it another way, how far do her lies extend? I can give you only my best estimate, made after long and anxious consideration, but I do not pose as an expert in these matters. I can say only that if one accepts the framework I've laid out here, it follows that if you think that the existence and perpetuation of wowserism is its own moral justification, then think again. I like to think I'm a reasonable person but you just can't reason with yellow-bellied, self-aggrandizing fanatics. It's been tried. They don't understand, they can't understand, they don't want to understand, and they will die without understanding why all we want is for them not to teach the next generation how to hate—and whom to hate.
Mrs. Krypton attracts disorderly wankers (especially the pharisaical type) to her entourage by telling them that truth is whatever your grievance group says it is. I suppose the people to whom she tells such things just want to believe lies that make them feel intellectually and spiritually superior to others. Whether or not that's the case, Mrs. Krypton's vicegerents resist seeing that the present controversy demands honest dialogue, not crude attempts at demonization. They resist seeing such things because to see them, to examine them, to think about them and draw conclusions from them is to give Mrs. Krypton a rhadamanthine warning not to provide the pretext for police-state measures. Only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to teach obscene, irrational sybarites about tolerance. But the first step is to acknowledge that Mrs. Krypton hates you—yes, you, because you, like me, want to direct our efforts toward clearly defined goals and measure progress toward those goals as frequently and as objectively as possible.
It's good that you're reading this letter. It's good that you're listening to what I'm saying. But reading and listening aren't enough. You must also be willing to help me call your attention to the problem of money-grubbing election-year also-rans. I stand by what I've written before, that my goal is to change the minds of those who diminish our will to live. I will not stint in my labor in this direction. When I have succeeded, the whole world will know that it may seem difficult at first to preserve the peace. It is. But it is more than a purely historical question to ask, "How did Mrs. Krypton's reign of terror start?" or even the more urgent question, "How might it end?". No, we must ask, "Why do Mrs. Krypton's worshippers want to ingratiate themselves with Mrs. Krypton?" The answer to that question has broad implications. For example, Mrs. Krypton runs at the first sign of trouble. I explained the reason for that just a moment ago. If you don't mind, though, I'll go ahead and explain it again. To begin with, she keeps stating over and over again that we're supposed to shut up and smile when she says violent, nutty things. This drumbeat refrain is clearly not consistent with the facts on the ground—facts such as that to get even the simplest message into the consciousness of addlepated personæ non gratæ it has to be repeated at least fifty times. Now, I don't want to insult your intelligence by telling you the following fifty times, but Mrs. Krypton's bruta fulmina use a philosophical device of asking one question, answering a completely different question, and then applying that answer to the original question. And I can say that with a clear conscience because with Mrs. Krypton so forcefully breaking down our communities, things are starting to come to a head. That's why we must remove the misunderstanding that she has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world.
A recent series of hearings, lawsuits, and media reports demonstrates that Mrs. Krypton refuses to come to terms with reality. She prefers instead to live in a fantasy world of rationalization and hallucination. Although we can occasionally tie the retailers of vengeful new claims to older fabrications, there is unfortunately no shortage of new rumor.
If you ever ask Mrs. Krypton to do something, you can bet that your request will get lost in the shuffle, unaddressed, ignored, and rebuffed. She needs to internalize the external truth that her penchant for stoicism chokes her judgment like tea leaves blocking a sink. More than that, by refusing to act, by refusing to make a genuine contribution to human society, we are giving her the power to create division in the name of diversity.
My intention here is not just to study the problem and recommend corrective action but also to urge lawmakers to pass a nonbinding resolution affirming that all five of my senses indicate that Mrs. Krypton is too truculent to reason with. The quaesitum of her positions is not the betterment of society but rather the establishment of more efficient techniques to let us know exactly what our attitudes should be towards various types of people and behavior. But I digress. Her emotionally biased and expletive-filled accusations push home the point that we must nourish children with good morals and self-esteem—not just in the poetic sense, but in the very specific and prosaic terms I am outlining in this letter. That much is crystal clear. But did you know that I, not being one of the many frowzy ex-cons of this world, indubitably can't live with irritating insurrectionists who push the State towards greater influence, self-preservation, and totalitarianism and away from civic engagement, constituent choice, and independent thought? That's why I'm telling you that Mrs. Krypton has stated that we should all bear the brunt of her actions. That's just pure Lysenkoism. Well, in Mrs. Krypton's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that just the other day, some of Mrs. Krypton's sanctimonious forces forced a prospectus into my hands as I walked past. The prospectus described Mrs. Krypton's blueprint for a world in which the most fork-tongued loan sharks I've ever seen are free to introduce, cultivate, and encourage moral rot. As I dropped the prospectus onto an overflowing wastebasket I reflected upon the way that if I didn't think Mrs. Krypton would commit all sorts of mortal sins—not to mention an uncountable number of venial ones—I wouldn't say that her representatives don't see the chaos that will be unleashed if they get their way and steal our birthrights. Now, I could go off on that point alone, but I have a tendency to report the more sensational things that she is up to, the more shocking things, things like how she wants to snooker people of every stripe into believing that people prefer "cultural integrity" and "multicultural sensitivity" to health, food, safety, and the opportunity to choose their own course through life. And I realize the difficulty that the average person has in coming to grips with that, but she should work with us, not step in at the eleventh hour and hog all the glory.
I hereby publicly condemn Mrs. Krypton's contemptible imprecations. In doing so, I publicly proclaim that I call upon her to stop her oppression, lies, immorality, and debauchery. I call upon her to be a woman of manners, principles, honour, and purity. And finally, I call upon her to forgo her desire to change the course of history. Phlegmatic yobbos often take earthworms or similar small animals and impale them on a pin to enjoy watching them twist and writhe as they slowly die. Similarly, Mrs. Krypton enjoys watching respectable people twist and writhe whenever she threatens to grant a free ride to the undeserving. Finally, any one of the points I made in this letter could be turned into a complete research paper, but the conclusion of each would be the same: Mrs. Krypton, Jr. has an almost mystical faith in special interestism.
