Author Topic: My story!  (Read 3296 times)

This is a book I wrote! Hope you like it!

The Storm of the Unknown-
A book written by -----------.


Chapter one: The day the earth went wrong.


It started in Block City, California, on a sunny day. Johnny and his friends, Seth, John, and Hans, decided to play a good game of ‘Telopo Park’. Right as they were about to play, they saw a huge storm up ahead. “We have to find some shelter! That’s a pretty big storm.” Said Hans.
John replied, “It might even be a hurricane! Or a tornado! Or even...” “You wouldn’t say it!” said Seth. Johnny decided to cut in. “Guys, guys, guys! Is it really wrong to say that the earth will go wrong? We all know that that book said specifically what the storm looks like. Who knows? It might even be the ‘Storm of the Unknown’!” “Maybe he’s got a point,” said Seth. “After all, it sure does look like a darn good storm!” “Probably, he sure made a good point.     We’ve only read the first chapter, we should find shelter, bring a laptop, and see what we get!”
 Said John. “That’s a good idea!” replied Hans. They were looking for shelter and found it in a pizza shop.
          After that, they tried to decide what to do next. “Board up the doors and windows!” said John. “Read more of the book!” replied Hans. “Try to evacuate!” fought Seth. “Guys! You all know I’m the leader! I do the thinking here! First off, we read more of the book. Second off, we board up windows and doors. Third off, we’ll read the book and see what it says, it will decide our fate. Got it?” said Johnny. “Yes!” said John. “Yes!” said Hans. “Yes!” said Seth.                They grabbed a book out of the shelf of their hideout, and Johnny read aloud. “As the storm approached, the team boarded up the windows and doors, they did not want to try to evacuate in the traffic. After that the storm approached...” “Ok that pretty much sums it up!” said Seth. They boarded up windows and doors. They did everything they could to stop the storm against their puny hideout. The storm was now over the city. The wind howled outside. All you could hear was the ruffling of the cards, as they played cards waiting for the storm to pass.  




Chapter two: The secret passage.


“Hey Hans, Could you get me some pizza?” asked Johnny. “Yeah sure, anyone else want some?” said Hans. “Me!” said John. “Don’t forget me!” replied Seth. “Ok, I’m guessing you all want cheese?” “Yes!” said all three. Hans went in the back to check for food. He saw a lot of boxes. There was only one thing. The oven was unplugged. While searching for the plug, he bumped the wall. The floor behind him opened, revealing a passage. He blew on the wall, it turned out that there was a button. “Whoa!” he said. He called the others to come check it
 out. “What is it?” said Johnny. “A secret passage!” said Hans. “Of course, but where does it lead to?” asked John. “I don’t know!” replied Hans.
      “We should read more of the book,” said Johnny. “Besides, it could help us!” “That is a good idea!” the three replied. Johnny read aloud, “The team started getting hungry. When a member went to search for food, he bumped the wall and found a secret passage. It was a secret button! He told the team, and the team went down together. They found a huge gold mine, full of contents like silver, gold, tin, copper, and mithril. They were all so happy! They found mining picks in the nearby mine cart. After that-““That pretty much sums it up!” said Hans. “We go down together, and see what we get.” “Good idea!” said John. “I hope it’s gold,” said Seth.    


Chapter three: Adventure starts...



The team went into the passage, descending down the stairs. “Do you think there are any monsters down here?” said John. “I don’t think any monsters will be down here...” replied Johnny. They finally got to the bottom. “I don’t see any gold...” said Seth. “We probably have to take the cart right there to get to the real mine!” said Hans. They all got in the mining cart. “Hey look! There are hats in here!” said John. “There’s also mining picks!” replied Seth. “The story is coming true!” said Johnny.
         Two of the members pushed the mining cart, then jumped in. “This sure is a dark cave!” said John. “Duck!” screamed Johnny. “A duck? I don’t see a du-“Johnny pulled John into the mining cart while bats flew ahead. “Wow! I thought you meant-““I know what you meant!” said Johnny. They finally arrived at the mining spot. The cart halted to a stop. John was dizzy. “Oh, man that was-““Stop and look!” yelled Seth. John got up and looked around. The area was filled with gold, silver, copper, and any kind of treasure you could think of. “Well, let’s get digging!” said Johnny. 
« Last Edit: September 16, 2009, 08:27:12 PM by Johnny988 »

Pretty good. I started writing when I was about your age. Keep it up, you got potential.

It was a pretty good story, but here are some tips:

  • Every time someone else begins to speak, start a new paragraph.

    Ex.:
    Suddenly, he attacked.
       "Get off me!" I cried.
       "Not until you've breathed your last breath, boy!" he cackled with a snarl.
  • Don't use phrases like "after that" in a story like this. It makes it sound somewhat unprofessional. Use words or phrases like "suddenly" or "in no time at all".
  • Use a wider variety of words, you used "the team did this" and "the team did that" WAY too much.
  • Every event should be described in detail, unless the narrator isn't following the people at that time. For example, when you said, "When a member went to search for food, he bumped the wall and found a secret passage", 1. You already used the "bumped into a wall and found a button" thing not to far behind it, and 2. It's very vague how he found this button simply by bumping into it. You might want to try a "'I'm going to look around,' said so-and-so, and left to delve deeper into the strange place." kind of thing.
  • "Show, don't tell", as my teachers tell me time and time again. Be just descriptive enough to get us sucked in, but not too much that we're bored with the overload of details.

It's good so far, keep it up.

Also: Why didn't you put your name on it, Aaron? Considering your signature didn't lie to me.

-snip-

Do you write? If so, I'd like to read one.
I'd share some of mine with you, but they probably aren't as good as you'd think seeing as I'm only twelve...

:/

BUT if you want, I could snip a little for yah.

Do you write? If so, I'd like to read one.
I'd share some of mine with you, but they probably aren't as good as you'd think seeing as I'm only twelve...

:/

BUT if you want, I could snip a little for yah.

I write when I feel like it.

I haven't felt like it in a long time...


WhatevaGuy stopped signing his posts!

WhatevaGuy stopped signing his posts!

INcorrect sir.
Just in off-topic.

Also, it seems that you and a couple of other people are the only ones that care.
Why can't you just let it be?

Also: Why didn't you put your name on it, Aaron? Considering your signature didn't lie to me.

DANG! You went to my profile... At least you don't know my address...

DANG! You went to my profile... At least you don't know my address...

Do you happen to know how far you are from the Chamisa Hills Country Club? You know, the one on the corner of Southern Blvd SE and Rio Rancho Blvd SE?

 all I know is that I'm NOT TELLIN YOU!




Also, it seems that you and a couple of other people are the only ones that care.
Why can't you just let it be?

So in the off topic section, your not an idiot?

I'm writing a story called "Journal Of A Sniper" and it basically tells how the team, the intelligence, and the very game came to be. However once everything is clear to the sniper, he tries to escape the game.

I just started :D