It's pretty good. Try not to let the camera change places unnecessarily. If you use serverconnection.chasecam(99999);, you can go into first person to edit lighting, etc. and go back into third and the camera will still be at the same place. That way you can edit together multiple takes on the same angle and make it appear as a single continuous take. without having to use timed eventing. If you have trouble getting your character back into the right spot when you're done editing the scenery, you could use setPlayerTransform events and only worry about the direction you're looking.
Also, perhaps add some more sound effects, either in-game or edited in.
This was kinda rushed though xD
Oh, and one more thing, don't allow it to be rushed. Even on small tests, I try to spend a bit of extra time to present it nicely. I wouldn't assume you have any strict deadlines to meet.