Randumbness - Random Story Generator

[Daemon18553]

   It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Daemon, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly exasperated, Daemon attacked a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few freaknasty minutes later, he realized that his beloved snake candle was missing!  Immediately he called his annoying neighbor, Poopfaec Doge. Daemon had known Poopfaec Doge for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were sassy ones.  Poopfaec Doge was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... selfish. Daemon called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Poopfaec Doge picked up to a very unctuous Daemon. Poopfaec Doge calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys panic before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually exotically panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Daemon.  Why was Poopfaec Doge trying to distract Daemon?  Because she had snuck out from Daemon's with the snake candle only two days prior.  It was a curious little snake candle... how could she resist?

   It didn't take long before Daemon got back to the subject at hand: his snake candle. Poopfaec Doge sighed. Relunctantly, Poopfaec Doge invited him over, assuring him they'd find the snake candle. Daemon grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Poopfaec Doge realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the snake candle and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Daemon took the rice rocket, she had take at least eight minutes before Daemon would get there.  But if he took the TARDIS?  Then Poopfaec Doge would be exceedingly screwed.

   Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Poopfaec Doge was interrupted by eight insensitive Rendermans that were lured by her snake candle. Poopfaec Doge turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she fearlessly reached for her ninja star and skillfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the TARDIS rolling up.  It was Daemon.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late.  With a hasty leap, Daemon was out of the TARDIS and went sassily jaunting toward Poopfaec Doge's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Poopfaec Doge was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the snake candle into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Poopfaec Doge was exasperated but at least the snake candle was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Poopfaec Doge earnestly purred.  With a inept push, Daemon opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish zealous...zealot in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Poopfaec Doge assured him. Daemon took a seat frighteningly close to where Poopfaec Doge had hidden the snake candle. Poopfaec Doge sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But Daemon was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Poopfaec Doge noticed a clueless look on Daemon's face. Daemon slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Poopfaec Doge felt a stabbing pain in her shin when Daemon asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the snake candle right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A clueless look started to form on Daemon's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Daemon nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Poopfaec Doge could react, Daemon recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The snake candle was plainly in view.

   Daemon stared at Poopfaec Doge for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Absolutely thrilled, Poopfaec Doge groped earnestly in Daemon's direction, clearly desperate. Daemon grabbed the snake candle and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Poopfaec Doge let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Daemon,' she rebuked. Poopfaec Doge always had been a little oafish, so Daemon knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Poopfaec Doge did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at her or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his snake candle tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Poopfaec Doge looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Daemon. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Daemon. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Poopfaec Doge walked over to the window and looked down. Daemon was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Daemon was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Poopfaec Doge's place. Daemon had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Rendermans suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the snake candle.  One by one they latched on to Daemon.  Already weakened from his injury, Daemon yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Rendermans running off with his snake candle.

   But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Daemon's snake candle. Feeling worried, God smote the Rendermans for their injustice.  Then He got in His best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan and blasted away with the fortitude of  2,000 spotted wolf hamsters running from a bloated pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Daemon flipped with joy when he saw this. His snake candle was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show,  COPRS, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet rusty razor blade'). Daemon was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Poopfaec Doge and a few pipe bomb-toting Indonesian devil cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark.  Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

[Ad Bot]

[Stick Man]

   It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Badspot, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly exasperated, Badspot groped a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved snake was missing!  Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Ephialtes. Badspot had known Ephialtes for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were curious ones.  Ephialtes was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... clueless. Badspot called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Ephialtes picked up to a very sad Badspot. Ephialtes calmly assured him that most albino cats sneeze before mating, yet legless puppies usually exotically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Badspot.  Why was Ephialtes trying to distract Badspot?  Because he had snuck out from Badspot's with the snake only ten days prior.  It was a sassy little snake... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Badspot got back to the subject at hand: his snake. Ephialtes panicked. Relunctantly, Ephialtes invited him over, assuring him they'd find the snake. Badspot grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ephialtes realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the snake and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Badspot took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least eleven minutes before Badspot would get there.  But if he took the car?  Then Ephialtes would be barely screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ephialtes was interrupted by eight insensitive ponys that were lured by his snake. Ephialtes grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he recklessly reached for his banana and carefully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the car rolling up.  It was Badspot.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late.  With a calculated leap, Badspot was out of the car and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Ephialtes's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Ephialtes was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the snake into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Ephialtes was displeased but at least the snake was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Ephialtes indiscriminately purred.  With a inept push, Badspot opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish social outcast in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied.  'It's fine,' Ephialtes assured him. Badspot took a seat alarmingly close to where Ephialtes had hidden the snake. Ephialtes sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Badspot was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Ephialtes noticed a clueless look on Badspot's face. Badspot slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Ephialtes felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Badspot asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the snake right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A pestering look started to form on Badspot's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Badspot nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ephialtes could react, Badspot aptly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The snake was plainly in view.

   Badspot stared at Ephialtes for what what must've been six minutes. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Ephialtes groped indiscriminately in Badspot's direction, clearly desperate. Badspot grabbed the snake and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Ephialtes let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Badspot,' he rebuked. Ephialtes always had been a little oafish, so Badspot knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Ephialtes did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his snake tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Ephialtes looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Badspot. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Badspot. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Ephialtes walked over to the window and looked down. Badspot was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Badspot was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Ephialtes's place. Badspot had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral ponys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the snake.  One by one they latched on to Badspot.  Already weakened from his injury, Badspot yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of ponys running off with his snake.

   About eight hours later, Badspot awoke, his double chin throbbing.  It was dark and Badspot did not know where he was.  Deep in the mysterious imaginery desert, Badspot was alarmingly lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he remembered that his snake was taken by the ponys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a shrunken pony emerged from the lemur-infested moor.  It was the alpha pony. Badspot opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the pony sunk its teeth into Badspot's shin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Badspot's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than nine miles away, Ephialtes was entombed by anguish over the loss of the snake.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag.  With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Badspot... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the snake that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant ponys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark.  Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

 

[Mariobro123586]

   It all started when our uber geek, Anthony Padilla, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously stunned, Anthony Padilla hit a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved shotgun was missing!  Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Ian Hecox. Anthony Padilla had known Ian Hecox for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones.  Ian Hecox was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... insensitive. Anthony Padilla called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Ian Hecox picked up to a very angry Anthony Padilla. Ian Hecox calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys belch before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Anthony Padilla.  Why was Ian Hecox trying to distract Anthony Padilla?  Because he had snuck out from Anthony Padilla's with the shotgun only seven days prior.  It was a exotic little shotgun... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Anthony Padilla got back to the subject at hand: his shotgun. Ian Hecox yawned. Relunctantly, Ian Hecox invited him over, assuring him they'd find the shotgun. Anthony Padilla grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ian Hecox realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the shotgun and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Anthony Padilla took the tricycle, he had take at least two minutes before Anthony Padilla would get there.  But if he took the Smoshmobile?  Then Ian Hecox would be alarmingly screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ian Hecox was interrupted by two annoying Unicorns that were lured by his shotgun. Ian Hecox turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he aimlessly reached for his ripened avocado and deftly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Smoshmobile rolling up.  It was Anthony Padilla.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late.  With a careful leap, Anthony Padilla was out of the Smoshmobile and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Ian Hecox's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Ian Hecox was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the shotgun into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Ian Hecox was relieved but at least the shotgun was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Ian Hecox exotically purred.  With a calculated push, Anthony Padilla opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid social outcast in a magic flying carpet,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Ian Hecox assured him. Anthony Padilla took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Ian Hecox had hidden the shotgun. Ian Hecox yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Anthony Padilla was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Ian Hecox noticed a annoying look on Anthony Padilla's face. Anthony Padilla slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Ian Hecox felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Anthony Padilla asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the shotgun right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A insensitive look started to form on Anthony Padilla's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Anthony Padilla nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ian Hecox could react, Anthony Padilla skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it.  The shotgun was plainly in view.

   Anthony Padilla stared at Ian Hecox for what what must've been six microseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Ian Hecox groped wildly in Anthony Padilla's direction, clearly desperate. Anthony Padilla grabbed the shotgun and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Ian Hecox let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Anthony Padilla,' he rebuked. Ian Hecox always had been a little dimwitted, so Anthony Padilla knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Ian Hecox did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his shotgun tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Ian Hecox looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Anthony Padilla. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Anthony Padilla. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Ian Hecox walked over to the window and looked down. Anthony Padilla was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Anthony Padilla was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Ian Hecox's place. Anthony Padilla had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Unicorns suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the shotgun.  One by one they latched on to Anthony Padilla.  Already weakened from his injury, Anthony Padilla yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Unicorns running off with his shotgun.

   But then God came down with His congenial smile and restored Anthony Padilla's shotgun. Feeling angered, God smote the Unicorns for their injustice.  Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and jetted away with the fortitude of  153 albino cats running from a enormous pack of albino cats. Anthony Padilla fell with joy when he saw this. His shotgun was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show,  My Little Pony, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet unborn fetus'). Anthony Padilla was pleased. And so, everyone except Ian Hecox and a few malaria-toting spotted wolf hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.

lol, smosh
 

[Freek]

   It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, snake Man, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously angered, snake Man slapped a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Condom was missing!  Immediately he called his former lay, Vagina Lady. snake Man had known Vagina Lady for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones.  Vagina Lady was unique. She was attractive though sometimes a little... selfish. snake Man called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Vagina Lady picked up to a very angry snake Man. Vagina Lady calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras grimace before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually earnestly grimace *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting snake Man.  Why was Vagina Lady trying to distract snake Man?  Because she had snuck out from snake Man's with the Condom only seven days prior.  It was a exotic little Condom... how could she resist?

   It didn't take long before snake Man got back to the subject at hand: his Condom. Vagina Lady yawned. Relunctantly, Vagina Lady invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Condom. snake Man grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Vagina Lady realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Condom and she had to do it carefully. She figured that if snake Man took the time machine, she had take at least eleven minutes before snake Man would get there.  But if he took the Spermobile?  Then Vagina Lady would be excessively screwed.

   Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Vagina Lady was interrupted by three abrasive horny dogs that were lured by her Condom. Vagina Lady grimaced; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she deftly reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and aggressively punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the Spermobile rolling up.  It was snake Man.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late.  With a calculated leap, snake Man was out of the Spermobile and went sassily jaunting toward Vagina Lady's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Vagina Lady was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the Condom into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Vagina Lady was exasperated but at least the Condom was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Vagina Lady flamboyantly purred.  With a apt push, snake Man opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive self-righteous ass in a magic flying carpet,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Vagina Lady assured him. snake Man took a seat frighteningly close to where Vagina Lady had hidden the Condom. Vagina Lady grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But snake Man was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Vagina Lady noticed a oafish look on snake Man's face. snake Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Vagina Lady felt a stabbing pain in her armpit when snake Man asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Condom right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A stupid look started to form on snake Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet legless puppies.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. snake Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Vagina Lady could react, snake Man aptly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Condom was plainly in view.

   snake Man stared at Vagina Lady for what what must've been three seconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Vagina Lady groped charismatically in snake Man's direction, clearly desperate. snake Man grabbed the Condom and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Vagina Lady let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, snake Man,' she rebuked. Vagina Lady always had been a little clueless, so snake Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Vagina Lady did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his Condom tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Vagina Lady looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from snake Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for snake Man. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Vagina Lady walked over to the window and looked down. snake Man was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, snake Man was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Vagina Lady's place. snake Man had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral horny dogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Condom.  One by one they latched on to snake Man.  Already weakened from his injury, snake Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of horny dogs running off with his Condom.

   But then God came down with His clever smile and restored snake Man's Condom. Feeling angered, God smote the horny dogs for their injustice.  Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and zipped away with the fortitude of  half a million Indonesian devil cats running from a shrunken pack of South American hissing sloths. snake Man tripped with joy when he saw this. His Condom was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes his favorite TV show,  Poopy Mustard, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet contraceptive'). snake Man was relieved. And so, everyone except Vagina Lady and a few ebola-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.

[dargereldren]

Bump.

[WALK2222]

lol i love this so much darg

[Stick Man]

   It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Lord Tony, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally concerned, Lord Tony slapped a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved snake was missing!  Immediately he called his annoying neighbor, Stocking. Lord Tony had known Stocking for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were exotic ones.  Stocking was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... pestering. Lord Tony called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Stocking picked up to a very glad Lord Tony. Stocking calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Lord Tony.  Why was Stocking trying to distract Lord Tony?  Because she had snuck out from Lord Tony's with the snake only three days prior.  It was a sassy little snake... how could she resist?

   It didn't take long before Lord Tony got back to the subject at hand: his snake. Stocking shuddered. Relunctantly, Stocking invited him over, assuring him they'd find the snake. Lord Tony grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Stocking realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the snake and she had to do it thoughtfully. She figured that if Lord Tony took the noise-polluting import, she had take at least ten minutes before Lord Tony would get there.  But if he took the a carridge driven by 9001 gay people?  Then Stocking would be really screwed.

   Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Stocking was interrupted by six insensitive ponys that were lured by her snake. Stocking panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling relieved, she fearlessly reached for her banana and carefully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the a carridge driven by 9001 gay people rolling up.  It was Lord Tony.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late.  With a calculated leap, Lord Tony was out of the a carridge driven by 9001 gay people and went earnestly jaunting toward Stocking's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Stocking was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the snake into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Stocking was stunned but at least the snake was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Stocking scandalously purred.  With a apt push, Lord Tony opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid spite-toting jerk in a homemade car,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Stocking assured him. Lord Tony took a seat nearby where Stocking had hidden the snake. Stocking shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But Lord Tony was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Stocking noticed a funny-smelling look on Lord Tony's face. Lord Tony slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Stocking felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Lord Tony asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the snake right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A oafish look started to form on Lord Tony's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Lord Tony nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Stocking could react, Lord Tony fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The snake was plainly in view.

   Lord Tony stared at Stocking for what what must've been three seconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, Stocking groped exotically in Lord Tony's direction, clearly desperate. Lord Tony grabbed the snake and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Stocking let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Lord Tony,' she rebuked. Stocking always had been a little oafish, so Lord Tony knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Stocking did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at her or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his snake tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Stocking looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Lord Tony. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Lord Tony. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Stocking walked over to the window and looked down. Lord Tony was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Lord Tony was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Stocking's place. Lord Tony had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral ponys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the snake.  One by one they latched on to Lord Tony.  Already weakened from his injury, Lord Tony yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of ponys running off with his snake.

   About four hours later, Lord Tony awoke, his love handle throbbing.  It was dark and Lord Tony did not know where he was.  Deep in the muddy haunted thicket, Lord Tony was very lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his snake was taken by the ponys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a enormous pony emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch.  It was the alpha pony. Lord Tony opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the pony sunk its teeth into Lord Tony's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Lord Tony's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than four miles away, Stocking was entombed by anguish over the loss of the snake.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag.  With a quick thrust, she buried it deeply into her ear.  As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Lord Tony... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him.  But she would die alone that day.  All that remained was the snake that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant ponys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark.  Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

[KILLERBUNNY]

   It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Newt Gingrich, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly pleased, Newt Gingrich stroked a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved Dragon carrot was missing!  Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, Asswagon Jones. Newt Gingrich had known Asswagon Jones for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were electric ones.  Asswagon Jones was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... clueless. Newt Gingrich called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Asswagon Jones picked up to a very mad Newt Gingrich. Asswagon Jones calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats cringe before mating, yet albino cats usually explosively panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Newt Gingrich.  Why was Asswagon Jones trying to distract Newt Gingrich?  Because he had snuck out from Newt Gingrich's with the Dragon carrot only five days prior.  It was an electric little Dragon carrot... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Newt Gingrich got back to the subject at hand: his Dragon carrot. Asswagon Jones sighed. Relunctantly, Asswagon Jones invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Dragon carrot. Newt Gingrich grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Asswagon Jones realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Dragon carrot and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Newt Gingrich took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, he had take at least four minutes before Newt Gingrich would get there.  But if he took the richardMobile?  Then Asswagon Jones would be scarcely screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Asswagon Jones was interrupted by four annoying Fishs that were lured by his Dragon carrot. Asswagon Jones sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he deftly reached for his gerbil and aimlessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the richardMobile rolling up.  It was Newt Gingrich.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late.  With a quick leap, Newt Gingrich was out of the richardMobile and went earnestly jaunting toward Asswagon Jones's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Asswagon Jones was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the Dragon carrot into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his elephant. Asswagon Jones was relieved but at least the Dragon carrot was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Asswagon Jones scandalously purred.  With a mighty push, Newt Gingrich opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless beer-sloshed tool in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Asswagon Jones assured him. Newt Gingrich took a seat nearby where Asswagon Jones had hidden the Dragon carrot. Asswagon Jones sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Newt Gingrich was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Asswagon Jones noticed a selfish look on Newt Gingrich's face. Newt Gingrich slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Asswagon Jones felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Newt Gingrich asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Dragon carrot right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A stupid look started to form on Newt Gingrich's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet venomous koalas.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Newt Gingrich nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Asswagon Jones could react, Newt Gingrich carefully lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Dragon carrot was plainly in view.

   Newt Gingrich stared at Asswagon Jones for what what must've been three seconds. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Asswagon Jones groped flamboyantly in Newt Gingrich's direction, clearly desperate. Newt Gingrich grabbed the Dragon carrot and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Asswagon Jones let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Newt Gingrich,' he rebuked. Asswagon Jones always had been a little oafish, so Newt Gingrich knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Asswagon Jones did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his Dragon carrot tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Asswagon Jones looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Newt Gingrich. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Newt Gingrich. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Asswagon Jones walked over to the window and looked down. Newt Gingrich was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Newt Gingrich was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Asswagon Jones's place. Newt Gingrich had severely hurt his p-spot during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Fishs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Dragon carrot.  One by one they latched on to Newt Gingrich.  Already weakened from his injury, Newt Gingrich yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Fishs running off with his Dragon carrot.

   About eleven hours later, Newt Gingrich awoke, his p-spot throbbing.  It was dark and Newt Gingrich did not know where he was.  Deep in the hazy swamp, Newt Gingrich was abundantly lost. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he remembered that his Dragon carrot was taken by the Fishs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a oversized Fish emerged from the secret vineyard.  It was the alpha Fish. Newt Gingrich opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Fish sunk its teeth into Newt Gingrich's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Newt Gingrich's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than ten miles away, Asswagon Jones was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Dragon carrot.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato.  With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his fingernail.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Newt Gingrich... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the Dragon carrot that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Fishs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

[BlackMod]

   It all started when our overrated adventurer, William, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously pleased, William punched a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing!  Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, "Your Mom". William had known "Your Mom" for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were sassy ones.  "Your Mom" was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... stupid. William called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   "Your Mom" picked up to a very unctuous William. "Your Mom" calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths grimace before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually wildly yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting William.  Why was "Your Mom" trying to distract William?  Because she had snuck out from William's with the iPad only eight days prior.  It was a saucy little iPad... how could she resist?

   It didn't take long before William got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. "Your Mom" shuddered. Relunctantly, "Your Mom" invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. William grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, "Your Mom" realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if William took the homemade car, she had take at least four minutes before William would get there.  But if he took the Convertible ?  Then "Your Mom" would be ridiculously screwed.

   Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, "Your Mom" was interrupted by two dimwitted Penguins that were lured by her iPad. "Your Mom" turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling displeased, she carefully reached for her carrot and recklessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the Convertible  rolling up.  It was William.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late.  With a careful leap, William was out of the Convertible  and went charismatically jaunting toward "Your Mom"'s front door.  Meanwhile inside,  "Your Mom" was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her giraffe. "Your Mom" was worried but at least the iPad was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' "Your Mom" scandalously purred.  With a mighty push, William opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted self-righteous ass in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied.  'It's fine,' "Your Mom" assured him. William took a seat conveniently far from where "Your Mom" had hidden the iPad. "Your Mom" sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But William was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, "Your Mom" noticed a annoying look on William's face. William slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   "Your Mom" felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when William asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A pestering look started to form on William's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. William nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before "Your Mom" could react, William aptly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The iPad was plainly in view.

   William stared at "Your Mom" for what what must've been five millseconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, "Your Mom" groped sassily in William's direction, clearly desperate. William grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door.  It was locked. "Your Mom" let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, William,' she rebuked. "Your Mom" always had been a little selfish, so William knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before "Your Mom" did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at her or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   "Your Mom" looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from William. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for William. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. "Your Mom" walked over to the window and looked down. William was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, William was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind "Your Mom"'s place. William had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Penguins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad.  One by one they latched on to William.  Already weakened from his injury, William yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Penguins running off with his iPad.

   But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored William's iPad. Feeling frustrated, God smote the Penguins for their injustice.  Then He got in His curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala) and jetted away with the fortitude of  2,000 albino cats running from a enlarged pack of 3-legged wallabies. William stumbled with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show,  The Regular Show, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet bloody glove'). William was excited. And so, everyone except "Your Mom" and a few contraceptive-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark.  Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.