It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Kane, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly stunned, Kane poked a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved snake was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, JamesTheLeet. Kane had known JamesTheLeet for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. JamesTheLeet was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... pestering. Kane called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
JamesTheLeet picked up to a very unhappy Kane. JamesTheLeet calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks yawn before mating, yet venomous koalas usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Kane. Why was JamesTheLeet trying to distract Kane? Because he had snuck out from Kane's with the snake only ten days prior. It was a exotic little snake... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Kane got back to the subject at hand: his snake. JamesTheLeet yawned. Relunctantly, JamesTheLeet invited him over, assuring him they'd find the snake. Kane grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, JamesTheLeet realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the snake and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Kane took the noise-polluting import, he had take at least five minutes before Kane would get there. But if he took the Dragon? Then JamesTheLeet would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, JamesTheLeet was interrupted by six pestering Vaginas that were lured by his snake. JamesTheLeet turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he thoughtfully reached for his live hand grenade and aggressively stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Dragon rolling up. It was Kane.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Kane was out of the Dragon and went surreptitiously jaunting toward JamesTheLeet's front door. Meanwhile inside, JamesTheLeet was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the snake into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his elephant. JamesTheLeet was relieved but at least the snake was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' JamesTheLeet explosively purred. With a hasty push, Kane opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling social outcast in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' JamesTheLeet assured him. Kane took a seat wonderfully far from where JamesTheLeet had hidden the snake. JamesTheLeet panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Kane was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, JamesTheLeet noticed a funny-smelling look on Kane's face. Kane slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
JamesTheLeet felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Kane asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the snake right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Kane's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Kane nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before JamesTheLeet could react, Kane skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The snake was plainly in view.
Kane stared at JamesTheLeet for what what must've been seven minutes. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, JamesTheLeet groped flamboyantly in Kane's direction, clearly desperate. Kane grabbed the snake and bolted for the door. It was locked. JamesTheLeet let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Kane,' he rebuked. JamesTheLeet always had been a little selfish, so Kane knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before JamesTheLeet did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he gripped his snake tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
JamesTheLeet looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Kane. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Kane. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. JamesTheLeet walked over to the window and looked down. Kane was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Kane was struggling to make his way through the bush behind JamesTheLeet's place. Kane had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Vaginas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the snake. One by one they latched on to Kane. Already weakened from his injury, Kane yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Vaginas running off with his snake.
But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Kane's snake. Feeling frustrated, God smote the Vaginas for their injustice. Then He got in His noise-polluting import and jetted away with the fortitude of 153 South American hissing sloths running from a huge pack of venomous koalas. Kane stumbled with joy when he saw this. His snake was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, Mrs Vagina In TV, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet malaria'). Kane was elated. And so, everyone except JamesTheLeet and a few rusty razor blade-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
it was a exotic little snake
I feel bad for generating this now that i see how it turned out :c