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Author Topic: Amber - Chapter 2 Done [9/14/10]  (Read 3319 times)

Anyways here's a story I typed out. I know it's not the greatest but I mostly just did this for myself. I would appreciate feedback though so I can improve my writing.

Chapter 1
   I remember those amber eyes, the way they shined with mischief and how they always seemed to put me in a trance. What was her name... Yes I remember, Kate. I still don't know why I try so hard to forget yet my mind can never seem to let her go. No matter how much I hide I always seem to conjure a thought about  her. We were both orphans, left on the streets to die, yet we stood strong. We lived, we survived.
   It was snowing the first day we met which was really rare in our old, rural town. The buildings were made out of galvanized sheet metal. It's a wonder how they never collapsed during harsh storms. We were both twelve at the time and our orphanage had recently shut down. It was the pier where we first met. Fishermen were unloading their cargo and we both had the idea of sneaking a snack. We ran into each other while we were sneaking past the stacked crates. "What are you doing here?" I hissed. "I think the same can go for you." she whispered in a harsh tone. Then suddenly for some strange reason, we laughed. It was that strange bond that would keep us together for many years to come.
   We were now both sixteen and we had grown quite a bit from our childhood. She had smooth black hair that went down to her shoulders with a very flexible body. She could climb anything and outrun anyone. I myself had grown into a young man. I was just beggining to stub a beard and I was starting to become muscular. We both wore white robe-like clothing to cover our faces when we raided the marketplace. The marketplace was our home that we flourished off of by stealing from shops and vending stalls. That home was soon invaded by guards due to our "inconvience".
   The guards wore torn jeans and generic shirts. They always seemed to have a cigarette in their mouth or a bottle of whisky in their hand. They usually kept to themselves mostly because they knew they couldn't outrun us. We continued with our normal schedule, stealing food from the marketplace, meeting at the pier, and enjoying the sunset. It was perfect, at least until her seventeenth birthday.
   "Hey kid! I said stop!" a voice erupts from a guard behind me as a tazer cable flys by my head. I then burst into a full sprint as I use my momentum to propel me up a stack of crates and onto the roof of a rusty building. The feel of the corrugated metal on my bare feet soothes me as my mind becomes more focused. A set of foot steps grows louder as I continue to jump from roof to roof. I don't bother looking behind me because I already know who it is. "When the hell did you get so fast Kate?" I shout over my shoulder, taking a deep breath after every three words. "I didn't get fast, you just got out of shape." Kate laughs as she pulls ahead of me with a big pack slung over her shoulder. The sun begins to set across the ocean and the streets begin to slowly die down. Within a five minute walk we're at our secret place. We sit on the edge of the pier with our legs hanging over as we begin to unload our packs.
   Kate hands me over a canteen and takes one for herself as we make a toast. "Hell of a life!" she says with a big grin on her face. "Yeah... Hell of a life." I respond as I slouch back and toss her a grapefruit. "You didn't have to get me this. I know it's a pain in the ass to steal these," she smiles as she begins to bite into it, "but thanks." I sit upright as I take small bites from an old loaf of bread, "Don't worry about it. It's your birthday. Those guards can't run for stuff anyways." She chuckles as she tries not to cough on the fruit and stands up and gives me a kiss on the cheek, "Later John, I'm gonna head off." I nod my head and within seconds she has vanished into the dark, leaving me alone on the pier with only the ocean to listen to.
    I'm rudely awaken by a screaming crowd of people as I realize I fell asleep on the pier. "That's coming from the marketplace..." I mumble to myself as I begin to jog over to see what's going on. As I approach the marketplace the crowd's chants become louder. I begin to push my way through only to be stopped, not by a person or a guard, yet by an unpredictable force. Fear. "No this can't be happening!" as my eyes confirm the worse when I see her tied to a wooden stake in the ground. A man wearing a large, velvet coat walks up to the crowd, "As the order of the court, this woman has been found guilty for multiple accounts of theft, arson, and treason!" The crowd uproars into a chorus of cheers. "No this last two charges are false!" I scream but nobody seems to hear me. A guard stands in front of Kate as he begins to raise his gun. I finally snap out of my trance and I begin to run towards the guard, "NO! Kate! Kate!!!" Kate's head turns towards me, tears streaming down her face, "Joh-" Then the bullet enters her brain.
   In a pure state of rage I jump onto the guard and my hands meet his throat. Just as he is about to meet his end, two other guards grab me by the shoulders and begin to drag me away. My head jerks to the judge as I struggle to break free, "I'll kill you! I'll loving kill you!" Then a guard's fist is struck upon me and I'm knocked unconscious.




Chapter 2
   I was only locked up in jail for a few weeks before my release. I guess they figured they already broke me and that I wouldn't be any trouble. Sadly, they were right. I recieved a job to carry the crates off of the boats by the pier from an old man who seemed senile. Me having a job? Strange isn't it? Years flew by and soon enough I couldn't even remember my name. There was nothing worth fighting for. I survived. But I didn't live.
   I was thrity-five when the cloaked man handed me a letter at the pier while I was helping unload a small fishing boat. The letter read as, "Meet us at the pier by nightfall, we know who killed Kate." A simple spark can set a blazing flame and everyone knows nothing can stop a raging fire.
   When I arrived at the peer I was greeted by the cloaked man who was followed by two other men wearing masks over their face. They both carried automatic rifles which had a hint of rust on them. "Did Kate ever tell you she was in the resistance?" the man said as he slowly shuffled his way towards me. "Enough with the bullstuff, give me a target and I'll be on my way." I growl as I clench my teeth. The man walks up to me and grins, "You have that same energy Kate had, maybe more angry than she was, but you sure do resemble her. But as your wish, I'll get straight to the point. You know those guards that were being shipped to the marketplace? You don't honestly think you were the cause of that do you? Something big is happening and we're trying to stop it. That's where you come in. We need you, you're the only one as fast as Kate. Your target is Kathkin, the judge who sentenced Kate to her death."
   "That still doesn't explain why they killed Kate." I question as I slowly step back only to bump into one of the men carrying a weapon. "You may be oblivious to the fact that there's a resistance in your town but that doesn't apply to everyone else. Kate was soon found out and was set-up to be conspired to death. We've never been able to hit Kathkin at the right moment but a time of oppurtunity has revelead itself. Tomorrow morning Kathkin will be escorted by  only two guards through the marketplace. You get in there, kill Kathkin, then you get the hell out." One of the men carrying a rifle hands his weapon over to me. I refuse the gesture and I turned towards the man, "I don't need a gun. I'm going to strangle the bastard with my bare hands!"
« Last Edit: September 14, 2010, 06:13:01 PM by keonesan »

>tears streaming down her eyes

Hilarious mental image.

>tears streaming down her eyes

Hilarious mental image.

forget typo. XD I'll fix.

Also feel free to rate out of 10. I really want feedback so I can improve my writing.

10/10 would read again ps i didn't read it

10/10 would read again ps i didn't read it

Uhhhh. How does that make sense?

ill read it in the morning


Wow I get back from school and still no feedback. Come on guys I really want to improve my writing. Be honest with your feedback, point out bad things about it so I can fix it. :/




9.7/10

I appreciate the rating but can you define more? Such as the strong and weak points in the story?

Can't tell if that's...

A) Typo
B) Honesty
C) Sarcasm
1 out of 1
100 percent
Perfect score

Expand your grammar and use less common words like kerfuffle,malevolent,and soigne'.