-snip-
Ponies weren't my only escape. When I think about it, there were a LOT of escapes. They all just sort of lost effectiveness around the same time.
The problem is partially one of total social ineptitude. I've lost a lot of friends by saying stupid things. Some I lost by saying too much, some I lost by not saying enough. I've been out for so long I can't get back in. I'm afraid of other people, because other people don't understand me, and I don't understand them.
It's good to hear you still sport your pin, buddy. Keep on truckin', you shouldn't take life for granted, ever. Life may not be fair sometimes, but you have to make the best of what you have yourself. Because when things start falling into place, you know that you were soley responsible for it, and that feels good. You will have proved to yourself that determination and hard work will pave your own path to success and happiness. You cannot wait for luck or opportunity.
Every time I thought things were falling into place, they just fell right through again. Still, thanks.
also dont forget to remember who your true friends are, and who you can really trust with them never abandoning you
That's the thing. I don't know anymore. The people who I thought were my true friends just... up and left with the rest of them. Usually I don't even know if I did something wrong (though it's probably safe to assume I did). I mean, I didn't start out college as that loser who just sat in his room all the time, but as the people around me started being more richardish, I sort of retreated. I mean, yeah, I did make friends, but we all sort of fell out of contact. I tried to mend things between several broken friendships and it didn't work. People just get tired of knowing me / putting up with my social ineptitude / me rambling / something like that.
I don't know why I'm still rambling.
I think the problem really has two core parts. One is my social issues. Aspergers is not fun. Neither is an anxiety disorder triggered by movies, tv shows, loud noises, or large crowds.
The other is that I never learned how to move beyond my own mistakes. I have a stronger than average memory, and it's a curse. I still feel bad about stuff I did when I was five, for forget's sake. It's insane.
Example, I still feel bad about getting Dezcaban banned for a week over a joke I didn't get, and that was more than a year ago, before Badspot started revoking him and that. Even that kind of stuff still gets to me.
So I guess another part of the reason I'm afraid of people is that I'm afraid I'm going to screw up,
again, and hurt someone else,
again, and I'll always wonder if they would have been better off not knowing me. I wonder that a lot about a lot of my former friends.
But yeah. Rambling. That's another thing people get sick of really fast. Also the pessimism that sort of pervades my life, seeing as it's essentially pinned under fear and insecurity.
