Author Topic: Need to know if this is a decent opening for my story  (Read 1634 times)

Sunset

 It all started with a single man, Jonathan. His life had been going well so far, he had a job. a family; exactly what he needed. He one day had went into his basement, and heard a low. deep, rumbling sound from the inside of his wall. The sound annoyed him greatly, so he grabbed a sledgehammer and slammed it against the wall, making a greater rumbling sound as the wall collapsed. He saw a small passageway leading somewhere into the dark. He slowly crawled into the tunnel, and saw a single torch at the end of it, eagerly awaiting him.

 Once he had arrived at the end of this tunnel, he heard a high-pitched scratching sound from right above him. He dared to look up, and right then, fear had claimed his soul. On the ceiling was a massive spider, made of solid lava and massive stone pincers for jaws. He scrambled backwards, but was too slow. The spider grabbed his legs as he attempted to rush out, and pulled him up. His futile struggles slowly grew silent as the spider wrapped him in a cocoon of steel...

 The next day his family reported noises from downstairs to their local police, and when they entered the basement, they noticed nothing out-of-the-ordinary. A search was promptly started. The wife's husband was never found, and they simply assumed he had left for somewhere else, as there was nothing else to explain it; no blood marks, no misplaced things, and no body.

 As the years passed by, the wife gained a new husband, and moved far away from that wretched place where her original husband had disappeared without a trace. The poor man that lived in the house where he had disappeared had been the first victim.

 He was simply sitting in a rocking chair, reading a book by the fireplace. He heard a distant creaking sound from the near-broken stairs to the basement. He simply turned his head for a moment, and attempted to figure out what that sound was. It stopped, and he returned to his book. Ever so slowly and lightly, a gauntleted hand began to squeeze his shoulder, and he dared to look behind him.

 A massive man wearing a full metal suit of armor, looking almost like a knight, however, his armor was red. Blood red. He had a very sadistic-looking mask covering his face, with two massive, razor-sharp horns placed expertly on top of his head. The man bolted out of his chair, and ran for the door. The armored warrior was faster, however, and grabbed him before he could get anywhere near the door. He pushed the pitiful man to the ground, and withdrew a huge dagger from his belt, and smelted onto it, was a human skull.

 Not even a scream was heard that night, and when a young boy in the morning came to see him, no one answered. He entered the house, and his eyes became massive spheres as he saw the scene. The man whom he visited every day lay sprawled upon the ground, his head expertly cleaved off, and his hands and legs chained behind his back.


Is this decent for an opening of my story?

Feedback would be appreciated

Kthx
« Last Edit: September 16, 2011, 06:34:08 PM by supersylox »

A few grammar mistakes.  Otherwise, it's... alright.  I don't really get what it could be about - seems generic.

A few grammar mistakes.  Otherwise, it's... alright.  I don't really get what it could be about - seems generic.

I shalt make sure to fix these errors, good sir.

when du they love?

Try not to use the word "massive" in a sense, like "A massive spider" doesn't sound right in almost any context, try using more creative words such as gargantuan or behemoth.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2011, 06:12:20 PM by Clone v.117 »




The sound annoyed him greatly, so he grabbed a sledgehammer and slammed it against the wall
bahahahahaha what a man

First paragraph is a lot of words but you get to know next to nothing... D:

Here's the main issue...  You have a generic intro with a setup.  The setup doesn't lead into anything though, it just vaguely describes "something".  Then we meet a guy who goes into his basement to hammer his wall for no good reason and then (dies?) gets trapped by something.  You have to slowly lead into suspense after building up a story / reason why we want to read this.

You can totally disregard my advice if you want though.

On the ceiling was a massive spider, made of pure molten lava and burning fire for jaws. He scrambled backwards, but was too slow. The spider grabbed his legs as he attempted to rush out, and pulled him up. His futile struggles slowly grew silent as the spider wrapped him in a cocoon of steel...
Bro he got no legs nao.

First paragraph is a lot of words but you get to know next to nothing... D:

Its not supposed to tell you everything :l

bahahahahaha what a man

Sledgehammers solve everything :D

Bro he got no legs nao.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Need to give the spider some sort of legs of rock or something

then truck went thru his haus an he died
the end

then truck went thru his haus an he died
the end

Hes already dead :l

It's very...bland. No offence of course, it isn't bad, per se, but it needs some work. You have to eliminate things you don't need. When you write, everything should have some meaning, and empty sentences should only be thrown in to point out the obvious or string together an idea. You use a number of words that aren't really needed and describe things very shallowly. These are just a few points, but they all improve as you write and read more. So practice. :o

Also, am I the only one who thought of minecraft when reading this? :U