You can totally disregard my advice if you want though.
Its not supposed to tell you everything :l
It's very...bland. No offence of course, it isn't bad, per se, but it needs some work. You have to eliminate things you don't need. When you write, everything should have some meaning, and empty sentences should only be thrown in to point out the obvious or string together an idea. You use a number of words that aren't really needed and describe things very shallowly. These are just a few points, but they all improve as you write and read more.Also, am I the only one who thought of minecraft when reading this? :U
Also, considering the spider is molten lava, is it like a puddle or something, and how does one, being in a liquid state, grab hold of something?
it barely told me anything :v
UuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuI thought molten lava is solidTO THE INTERNET
Keyword: Molten.Solid lava is just rock.
Research is also important for books.
how about "the wall" instead of "the inside of his wall"also I think it's starting too fast, it's like I've already read the whole first chapter after the first paragraphunless you're making a three page book or something :U
UuuuuuuuuuuuMust add moar details and such?
who is his family, where does he live, does he like cheese? does he get mail when it rains?tbh I'd suggest you read a few books instead of listening to us desperately trying to guide you :v
Im notI just want to see whether I can write a decent short story, and request some feedback from these forums :l
