Can you see it?

[zookuw]

Can you see it the darkness around you as you stare out the window of your bedroom the music on your iPod is loud in your ears playing carnival music it makes the outside view seem very dark and scary, you can see your neighbors house their lights turning oranges through their shades, you can see the fog rolling off the tops of the trees like a dark grey snow, you can barely hear the cherping crickets over your music, you enjoy the night and the darkness that hides mystery it makes you want to leave your home and head into the forest behind you house and re-explore the places you know or rather not know anymore.

[Ad Bot]

[Volko]

asdf


this is the end of my life
:c

[zookuw]

Okay I'm done writing for tonight this could have been better but it was written on an iPod and I'm going to listen to my music and enjoy the fog now

[.::Taboo::.]

[zookuw]

Yeah it was sort of a spur of the moment post I as sort of entranced in the beauty of outside of my window to notice my horribly random writing,
I think it would only be really nice if someone was here looking at the scene with me.
Also the fog is more like a "cover loving everything" now.

[Mega-Bear]

Well that was ... poorly written.

[Timezbrick]

I don't have a iPod

[Jerkface]

Well that was ... poorly written.

WHERE WAS THE PERIOD!?  God damn it all.

Edit:  The one at the end doesn't count. 

[Volko]

Okay good, so I'm not alone.


It didn't make any loving sense whatsoever.

[zookuw]

I wasn't trying to make sense just try to picture the simple world I put together, it was not leading up to anything it was not trying to make a story I was attempting to paint a landscape with words.

[Pengie]

Punctuation, more of it, PLEASE.

Can you see it? The darkness around you as you stare out the window of your bedroom; the music on your iPod is loud in your ears playing carnival music (What the forget is this? What I think it should be):The carnival music from your iPod is loud in your ears, it makes the outside view seem very dark and scary, you can see your neighbors house, their lights turning oranges through their shades, you can see the fog rolling off the tops of the trees like a dark grey snow (REALLY ORIGINAL METAPHOR HERE), you can barely hear the cherpingchirping crickets over your music, you enjoy the night and the darkness that hides mystery; it makes you want to leave your home and head into the forest behind your house and re-explore the places you know or would rather not know anymore.

You even spelled "chirped" wrong.

I fixed the spelling and punctuation but you're on your own for the metaphors/similes and not to mention the lack of decent vocabulary.

Good luck on your next try.

[Jerkface]

I wasn't trying to make sense just try to picture the simple world I put together, it was not leading up to anything it was not trying to make a story I was attempting to paint a landscape with words.

It's called "Descriptive Writing" and punctuation is key for that.  The thing you wrote doesn't have any.

Edit:  Damn you Pengie, a SECOND before I posted mine.

[Pengie]

It's called "Descriptive Writing" and punctuation is key for that.  The thing you wrote doesn't have any.

Edit:  Damn you Pengie, a SECOND before I posted mine.

Har. I laugh at this unfortunate coincidence.

[zookuw]

Sorry, i'm not very good with english writing. (Or any language.)