It all started when our (former research) star, Black Man, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling very relieved, Black Man backhanded a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Black Woman. Black Man had known Black Woman for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Black Woman was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... annoying. Black Man called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Black Woman picked up to a very glad Black Man. Black Woman calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys yawn before mating, yet albino cats usually earnestly panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Black Man. Why was Black Woman trying to distract Black Man? Because she had snuck out from Black Man's with the diary only three days prior. It was a curious little diary... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Black Man got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Black Woman grimaced. Relunctantly, Black Woman invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Black Man grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Black Woman realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diary and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Black Man took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least eleven minutes before Black Man would get there. But if he took the blackmobile? Then Black Woman would be alarmingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Black Woman was interrupted by four stupid germanys that were lured by her diary. Black Woman yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling worried, she thoughtfully reached for her live hand grenade and skillfully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the blackmobile rolling up. It was Black Man.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Black Man was out of the blackmobile and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Black Woman's front door. Meanwhile inside, Black Woman was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diary into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Black Woman was stunned but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Black Woman surreptitiously purred. With a calculated push, Black Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid genocidal maniac in a tricycle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Black Woman assured him. Black Man took a seat excruciatingly close to where Black Woman had hidden the diary. Black Woman panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Black Man was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Black Woman noticed a annoying look on Black Man's face. Black Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Black Woman felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Black Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diary right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Black Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Black Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Black Woman could react, Black Man aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.
Black Man stared at Black Woman for what what must've been seven microseconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, Black Woman groped surreptitiously in Black Man's direction, clearly desperate. Black Man grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Black Woman let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Black Man,' she rebuked. Black Woman always had been a little funny-smelling, so Black Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Black Woman did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Black Woman looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Black Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Black Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Black Woman walked over to the window and looked down. Black Man was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Black Man was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Black Woman's place. Black Man had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral germanys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Black Man. Already weakened from his injury, Black Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of germanys running off with his diary.
About ten hours later, Black Man awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Black Man did not know where he was. Deep in the humid secret vineyard, Black Man was scarcely lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he remembered that his diary was taken by the germanys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little germany emerged from the bush. It was the alpha germany. Black Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the germany sunk its teeth into Black Man's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Black Man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Black Woman was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a skillful thrust, she buried it deeply into her taint. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Black Man... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant germanys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright ©
www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/
