Have I ever told you the story that Santa Claus is an ape?

[Lørd Tøny]

Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus: an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dino-bone and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of the children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year; for many were killed!

A warlike race of elves from the red planet landed on the ice-encased earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa ape to make his confused toys, using galactic elfin technology for Evermore Sanchianados. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like 'train' but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked a big way.

Thousands of years later, the ice had made the globe unnavigable. Santa ape did not know what a north pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed, so he arbitrarily placed his workshop right here, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full moon in front of the great red ape.


And that is why we now celebrate Christmas.

[Ad Bot]

[Spectrum2]

That was... interesting.

[Mariobro123586]

That sure was..
interesting
i guess
o_O

[sorrel]

the great red rape

[Jetlok]

That was... interesting.

That sure was..
interesting
i guess
o_O

TAT WUZ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, INTERSTIN >_>_<_>_>>>____<_>

[Katamari007]

It's a long story



you might want to get some snacks

[Anti-Block]

you better not shout

you better not cry

you better not pout

i'm telling you why

SANTA WILL EAT YOU

[Lørd Tøny]

you better not shout

you better not cry

you better not pout

i'm telling you why

SANTA WILL EAT YOU

It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year.

[Katamari007]

I am Turkatron. I have come from the year 9595 to save this bird that lies before you for he is the great, great, great, great grandfather…of Goblox…the turkey that's destined to lead the rebellion against master chickens.

Do you know who Goblox is?! I will tell you who Goblox is. In the year 9595, a race of deformed turkey was genetically developed by chicken scientists as revenge against his bird brother. These turkeys would exit the womb doused in gravy; gravy filled with the giblets…from a monkey. The French craved it, and, as a result, turkey became the only food source for France, which is now called RoboFrance 29. I was later killed by the chickens! So, of course, you can see why I'm angry at those chickens.

MONTHS and MONTHS ago I had came upon your neighbor taking the form of the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future. But I didn't realize he was an agent: a chicken in disguise. They had evolved, BIG TIME! From beyond feathers their beaks had softened and they aquired synthetic intelligence and appendages from the CHICKEN BLACK MARKET FROM BEYOND THE MOON!

And that's why I was sent here to erase his mind..and my mind as well. I had to be reformulated by rogue chicken scientists for the rebellion. They crafted my sleek, turkey body which allowed for safe passage through the time rift. So, in summation: the bird comes with me…dead or alive.

[Lørd Tøny]

The war of man against machine raged on through the early seventies. You don't remember because back then it was only a proficy.

[Planr]

cool story bro, lol

oh stuff

[Katamari007]

cool story bro

you had a good run

[Planr]

you had a good run

Last time I checked, saying 'coolstorybro' isn't a bannable offense.

[Donro98]

That was interesting.

[Nickelob Ultra]

I cant believe this story, no factual evidence.