[RPWS]Knife TrainingWritten by FailWhale
Shanny was in her room, reading a book. She was very bored.
“God, I’m so bored. Why am I even reading this? It’s blank! Is that how bored I am?!” She threw the book against the wall. Then, she heard a knock.
“Was that the…window?” She walked over to the window, and she opened it. There was a person in a black cloak that didn’t even reach their knees.
“Who the hell are you?! Why are you disturbing me? I’m doing something very important right now!” she yelled.
‘Please don’t leave! I’m so loving bored!’ she thought to herself.
“Shanny…” said the figure in a voice that was terribly masked. “I am in need of your assistance…” he wheezed.
“Um…what do you want?”
“I represent RPWS and-”
“Oh, god, what do they need NOW?” she asked exasperatedly.
“There is almost no one there who can use a knife…” croaked the figure. He proceeded to cough for a minute.
“Um, you don’t have to mask your voice. I know it’s you, Fudge,” said Shanny with a small smile on her face.
“What are you-ACK HUGH- talking about… I don’t even know this ‘Fudge’…” said Fudge.
“Oh, whatever. So your clan sucks ass with knives, why do I care?” asked Shanny, returning to the subject.
“I am here to pay to give all of us-I MEAN THEM…lessons in knife training…” said Fudge.
“Oh, HELL NO, you cannot pay me ENOUGH to teach all of you dumbasses how to use a knife, I’m sorry, but-”
“I’ll pay you this much,” said Fudge, passing a folded piece of paper to Shanny.
“Okay, but I’m still going to refuse, I’m going to need a-” She stopped dead as she looked at the number on the paper.
“Is it enough?” rasped Fudge.
“Oh my god! This is a stuff-ton of money, this is going to be enou-I MEAN…This isn’t enough, I’m going t-to need a l-lot more…” stammered Shanny, trying to hide her excitement.
“I’ll pay you this amount up front. I’ll get you the same the first day of training,” croaked Fudge triumphantly, handing her the money.
“O-okay, I’ll see you there. Should we start on Saturday?” said Shanny, grinning.
“Yeah, yeah…Saturday’s great. We’ll be outside the RPWS building. So, did I convince you?”
“Yeah. You convinced me.” Fudge jumped in the air.
“LIKE A BO- I mean, cool…” he corrected himself. He skipped off into the distance.
“God, he’s such a dumbass…” said Shanny. “Wait, why am I smiling! I hate him! I hate his guts…don’t I? I must be smiling because of the money…Right?” she asked herself.
“Oh, well, it doesn’t matter…I’m getting an assload of money for this, so I can put up with him and all of his friends…Oh, great. Saturday’s in three days.” She ran back to the window.
“FUDGE! COME BACK! CAN WE START TOMORROW?! PLEASE?!” She slammed the window shut, breaking the glass in it.
“SONOFABITCH! What am I going to do until then?!”
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The entire clan was standing in front of the RPWS building. Everyone was talking about the lessons that Shanny was supposedly going to give them.
“Hey, Jared,” asked Angel.
“Yeah?”
“Umm, are you sure these lessons are legit?”
“I don’t know, ask Fudge,” replied Jared, pointing behind his back. Fudge was talking to Izzy, Emily, and Ella.
“And this total BOSS came to my window in the night, and he told me that Shanny was going to give us knife lessons!” he said excitedly.
“See? Fudge says it’s legit.”
“And you trust him.”
“Not in the slightest. But he usually doesn’t lie when it involves Shanny. You know how he feels about her.”
“Yeah…Umm, Jared…what about…him?” asked Angel. He didn’t point anyone out. He didn’t need to. Jared’s feather briefly turned red.
“I’m doing quite fine, thanks for asking,” he sniped. His feather turned back to blue.
“I’m the one that needs these lessons, not him. You know how badly I am with taking out a knife.”
“Yeah, okay…”
“HEY! SHE’S COMING!” yelled Fudge. Everyone turned around to see Shanny riding towards the building on what looked like a cloud made of smoke. As she made their way towards them, she leapt off of the cloud, did three front flips in the air, and landed perfectly on the ground in front of them. They all stared at her with their mouths open. Fudge broke the silence by yelling, “LIKE A BOSS!”
“What?” she asked, “Haven’t any of you ever seen a ninja cloud before?” She snapped her fingers and the cloud disappeared. “Alright, FRONT AND CENTER!” she yelled. Everyone snapped forward in a straight line. Shanny started pacing in front of them.
“Alright, I assume you know why I’m here?” she asked.
“Because you’re giving us knife less-” Emily was interrupted by a knife flying past her face, cutting off some of her hair.
“Permission to speak was not granted, so zip it!” yelled Shanny. She resumed her pacing.
“Alright, dipstuffs, listen up! I am here because I have been paid an OBSCENE amount of money to teach all of you how to use a knife.” She took out a knife, and she expertly flipped it around her hand.
“I’m going to put up with you all for four hours each day, for two weeks. You can tell that I’ve been paid a large amount of money for this.” She stopped flipping the knife, threw it in the air, and she kicked it into the wall.
“Alright, now, we’re going to start! Everyone, take out your knives!”
Everyone shuffled their feet nervously. A vein started pulsing in Shanny’s head.
“Where…are…your…KNIVES?!” demanded Shanny.
“Um…permission to speak?” squeaked John.
“If you can explain this handicappedness to me!” sniped Shanny.
“Well…we weren’t sure if you were actually going to show up, so we kind of…didn’t…bring our knives…” he drifted off quietly.
“So…you’re telling me…that you, ALL OF YOU…didn’t bring knives…to a KNIFE LESSON?!?!?!” yelled Shanny. She pulled a large amount of knives out of seemingly nowhere, and she threw them all at the clan.
“There are your knives! Let’s get started!”
‘Oh god, this is NOT going to turn out well…’ thought Jared.
‘For once, we actually agree on something…’ said Deraj, shaking his head.
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Shanny brought them all together, and then she started calling their names one by one.
“Alright. IZZY! Front and center!” Izzy ran forward as fast as he could.
“Y-yes?” he asked shakily.
“Oh, I should explain, right? Well,” she started addressing the whole group, not just Izzy, “right now, I am going to call all of you up one at a time and you will show me how good you are with a knife. All of you,” she pointed to everyone else, “get off to the side in case any mishaps happen. Now, Izzy.” She turned her attention back to Izzy. “Show me what you got.”
“Um, what exactly do you m-” began Izzy, but he was interrupted by Shanny.
“Come at me, bro!” she yelled.
“O-okay!” replied Izzy, pulling out his knife somewhat slowly. Shanny proceeded to cut his knife out of its pocket, flip it upward with a kick, catch it in her other hand, and hold both knives at his throat.
“Kinda slow, buddy,” she said, putting her knife away and pushing Izzy towards the group.
“Ella!” she yelled. They continued like this for a while. The only one that was actually able to get close to Shanny was Se’an, and that was on complete accident as he tripped forward and nearly gouged her eye out. She seemed to be calling everyone but Jared. Then…
“Jared!” Jared slowly stepped forward.
“Come at me, bro.”
“Um…I don’t think that’s such a good idea…” said Jared quietly.
“Oh, come on, don’t be a pusillanimous individual!” yelled Shanny.
“Fine…” said Jared dejectedly. He put his hand on his knife, and tried to take it out.
And tried to take it out.
And tried to take it out again.
And again.
And again.
‘Need a little help there, buddy?’ snickered Deraj.
“Shut up!” yelled back Jared. Everyone stared at him.
‘Goddammit, I responded out loud again…’ thought Jared.
‘And how!’ replied Deraj. Jared kept on trying to pull out his knife.
“You’re kidding me, right?” asked Shanny, facepalming in the process. “You can’t even take out your knife?! What about all those other times?!”
“It’s stuck! Hold on a sec!” Jared pulled and pulled and pulled, and then the knife finally came out of its pocket, only to fly straight out of his hand, ricochet off of a window, and embed itself halfway through Chris’ skull.
“Ow! Why’d you do that, it hurt!” he said, pulling the knife out of his head with a shower of blood following it.
“Well…” said Shanny, trying to find something encouraging to say. She couldn’t.
“I’ll just…get back in line now…” said Jared. He ran back to the line, standing in the farthest place away from Shanny.
‘You know, sometimes, I’m ashamed to be in the same head as you,’ said Deraj, shaking his head in disappointment.
They continued in their lesson, Shanny choosing to teach them how to take their knives out, for starters.
“It’s embarrassing how none of you can take your knives out quickly!”
Then, she paired them off with each other so that they could practice swinging.
“Swing, don’t throw! You dipstuffs probably won’t even scratch each other, no point in teaching you how to throw these yet!”
Shanny started walking around the group, correcting everyone’s usage, and slowly making her way to Fudge.
‘Oh, she’s coming, she’s coming, she’s coming!’ thought Fudge. He started swinging more erratically the closer she came to him. Then, he stopped completely as she got even more closer. Then, he heard a thunking noise.
“You know, I’m starting to think that you’re doing this on purpose!” yelled Chris, pulling a knife out of his head for the third time that lesson. “I’m not even your partner!” he added.
“GodDAMMIT, Jared!” yelled Shanny, running over to heal Chris.
“SONOFABITCH!” yelled Fudge, throwing his knife in frustration. There was a scream of pain that sounded more like a cat yowling than a person.
“Oh, stuff, sorry Ella!” yelled Fudge, running over to her as she was hopping on one foot, holding her other in pain. She then started hopping after him trying to stab him.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it Ella, I’m sorry!” he yelled, trying to dodge her assault.
Shanny facepalmed.
“Just think about the money, just think about the money, just think about the money…” she said to herself. It didn’t help.
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The first day of training was done.
“Recorded injuries: Three knife embeddings in the face, four knives to the left feet, one large gash, several smaller cuts, and an almost gouged out eye. That’s better than I expected,” said Shanny.
“Progress: small. And that’s an understatement.” She walked over to Fudge, who was sitting down, recovering from his large gash. His mood was instantly uplifted by Shanny’s walking over to him.
“Hey, Shanny! How’s it go-”
“Where’s the rest of my money?” she asked.
“Oh, right, here you go!” said Fudge, all too excitedly.
“Um, if you don’t mind my asking, how did you get all of this money?” asked Shanny warily.
“Does it matter?”
“No.”
“So why are you asking?”
“God, you’re such a dumbass…” said Shanny. She snapped her fingers, and her ninja cloud materialized out of nowhere. She jumped on top of it and rode away.
“Oh my god, she is so HOT!” yelled Fudge as he ran into the headquarters. He went up to his room to sleep, but everyone else stayed in the main room. Suddenly, Chris ran into the room from the elevator.
“Alright, who took it?!” he demanded.
“What the hell are you talking about, Chris?” asked Emily.
“My explosives fund!” he yelled back.
“Explosives fund?” asked Ella in confusion.
“Yes, my explosives fund! I have a boatload of money reserved for all of the explosives that I use on a daily basis, and it’s gone! Who took it?!” he demanded. He looked close to tears.
“I-I don’t know!” responded Emily. “None of us even knew that you HAD an explosives fund! I mean, I guess that we all have our own secret stash of cash, but we-” She stopped dead. Everyone in the room stared at each other, then they all ran to their rooms to look for their money. They all ran back in five minutes.
“My shotgun money is gone!” yelled Angel.
“So is my fanfic money!” yelled Se’an.
“I will kill the mortal that stole my MLP fund…” said Marissa.
“My rifle ammo fund is gone!” yelled Jared. His feather turned red.
“My knife fund is gone, so some motherforgeter is going to die,” said Deraj.
Everyone continued to yell about their lost money, then they realized that everyone in the entire clan was in the main room.
Except for Fudge.
“Oh, you motherforgetER!” yelled Angel as he ran up the stairs to Fudge’s room, everyone else following him. He told Chris to grab a medgun while they ran up.
“FUDGE!” yelled everyone as they knocked down the door to his room.
“Wh-what? What the hell, guys? I was sleeping! This is totally unbosslike!” he said, rubbing his eyes. Everyone looked at him angrily.
“Oh, stuff…” said Fudge, realizing what THEY realized.
“Marissa,” said Angel quietly.
“Yes?”
“Would you do the honors?”
“With pleasure.” She summoned her scythe, and she knocked Fudge out of the window. Everyone jumped out after him, and they continuously beat him while healing him with the medgun. They continued well into the night, until there was an Olympic-sized pool of blood on the ground in front of the building, with Fudge in the center of it and all the members of the clan standing around him.
“Is that enough?” asked Se’an. “We’ve been doing this for 7 hours.”
“I guess…” said Jared. His feather turned red.
“I think the forgeter has had enough.”
“Well, we need to get rid of this blood,” said Emily smartly.
“She’s right,” said Izzy. “But how?” Everyone turned to their fellow demolitions expert.
“Chris?”
“With pleasure.”
He set no less than 25 bundles of dynamite around Fudge, all linked to the same trigger. Everyone stepped inside the doors of the RPWS building, and watched through the windows. Chris chuckled.
“I didn’t do it…” he whispered with a malicious grin on his face as he pressed the button.
There was an explosion like no one has ever seen in front of the RPWS building that night.
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After three days of training, Shanny led them all into the simulation room.
“Alright, from now on, we’re going to be training in the simulation room.”
“Why the hell are we doing that?!” demanded John.
“Because the only one of you that can take a knife to the forehead more than once is Chris!” yelled Shanny. “And we know this because SOMEBODY keeps thunking his knife into Chris’ face!”
Jared chuckled nervously while Deraj was roaring with laughter in his head. Se’an was also laughing hysterically.
“Se’an!” yelled Shanny. “Act your age, for once!” Se’an stopped.
“You know, I don’t even REMEMBER how old I am, so you want me to lie on the ground and play dead? That’s not what we’re paying you for,” he remarked. A vein started pulsing in Shanny’s temple.
‘Think of the money, think of the money, think of the money…’ she thought to herself. Then, she realized what Se’an said.
“Wait, what do you mean ‘we’?” she asked.
“Does it matter?” asked Angel.
“No.”
“Then why are you asking?” Shanny groaned and slammed her head into the ground. She picked herself back up, and started her lesson.
“Alright, today, you dipstuffs are going to learn how to take out your knife correctly!” She started pacing.
“Now, you have to be quick and efficient when you pull out your knife! And, don’t slice open your knife holder, that’s just handicapped. You might take out your knife more quickly, but you won’t have anywhere to put it afterwards, so don’t be idiots!” she yelled.
“Alright, put your hand on the handle…”
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After the lesson, there were only three injuries. All of them involving a knife going through Chris’ head. And that knife coming from Jared’s knife holder. All three times.
The lessons continued. They began to learn everything about the knife. They learned how to perfectly sharpen the blade, how to craft the handle, how to throw it with precision. Pretty soon, everyone was skilled with the knife. Not as much as Shanny, of course. She wasn’t planning on teaching them THAT well. The final test was to try and knock Shanny’s knife out of her hand. Needless to say, most people didn’t pass.
Se’an was the first to actually knock it out of her hand, albeit from tripping and smacking her hand with his knife. Then, Emily passed after she legitimately knocked it out of Shanny’s hand. Angel was the third to pass, but he lost his knife in the process.
Then it was Jared’s turn.
“Alright, Jared. This is it,” said Shanny, taking her fighting stance.
“Uh, yeah…I know…” said Jared, shuffling uncomfortably.
‘C’mon, Jared…Let me take over, I swear you’ll pass!’ pleaded Deraj.
‘No!’ yelled back Jared.
‘Dammit, you forgeter, you haven’t let me out AT ALL for two weeks! You know how boring it is in your mind?! YOU HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU!? LET ME…THE forget…OUT!!!!!’ roared Deraj.
“NO!” yelled back Jared out loud. He swung his knife, and he knocked the knife straight out of Shanny’s hand.
And it landed in Chris’ forehead.
“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding!” yelled Chris as he took the knife out of his head.
“Well, you passed!” said Shanny, smiling. “Alright, all of you, get in a circle.”
Everyone obliged.
“No, a tighter circle! So that you all feel claustrophobic!”
Everyone obliged. Again. Then, Shanny took a jar out of her pocket. It was full of purple powder. She took a huge handful of it.
“Now, take a deep breath when I say to!”
She threw the powder straight at the group while she yelled, “Now!” Everyone took a deep breath, all of them breathed in the powder, and they all passed out.
“Alright, you guys are going to lose your memories of these last two weeks. Can’t let there be any possibility of you guys getting better than me with knives, can I?” She smiled deviously, and she counted her money. She called her ninja cloud, and she rode off into the distance.
“All they said was that I had to teach them…No one said anything about remembering the lessons…” she said, her smile turning into a grin as she laughed.
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