Near Death - A book I'm writing. (UPDATE AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN)

[Bravo]

    I stood still, paralyzed with fear from the sight of that horrible accident.  I almost died, but even worse, my parents were injured and my brother was dead.  Only my sister and I were ledft unharmed.  My sister called my name and I snapped back into reality.  I saw my mom lying on the ground, panting, screaming, frozen in shock.  My dad, same thing, but pale from fatigue.
     "Mom, dad, are you okay?!"  I said in a worried and hurried tonedont rhymme.  All of a sudden, my sister and I heard an explosion.  We were knocked down and saw debris flying straight towards us.  More explosions came and we ran under a bridge, walls and ceiling collapsing behind us as we ran.  We ran all the way home.
     Just when we reached home, I realized that we left our mom and dad back there!  "Hannah," I called to my sister when this occured to me.  "We left mom and dad back there!  We must no check if they're okay!"  She replied, "They must've died from the explosion, it's not worth the time."
"Let's at least check!"
"No, they're dead, face the facts, Mars."
"We have to go, I'm older, so I'm in charge here, that means you listen to me."
There was a brief moment of silence until...
"Fine." she said in a sort of sighing tone.
     We finally left to find our parents, nothing but debris.  We could not even find anything of sentimental value.  "What the heck happened anyways?" my sister said to me.  "I don't know, but I know it wasn't natural." I replied.
     I awoke to find that it was all a dream.  I was covered in sweat from head to toe, and tears welled up in my eyes.  This was a common thing for me, I usually have that same dream.  It seems to be predicting something.
"Mars!"  my mom called for me to come downstairs.  "Breakfest is ready!"
     If you would like to know the story behind my name, my ancestors worshipped Roman gods.  They were great heroes of their time, so my parents named me after one of their "gods".  Believe it or not, my family has been Christian for centuries.
     I wondered what that dream was about, then my mom calls me again.  I come downstairs to find a piece of buttered bread on the table.  "Really?  This could be better." I said.  My mom gave me 'the look', and said "You should appreciate what you have and not complain about it.  Someone in Africa would DIE right now for that bread."  She spoke the truth.  I decided to sit down and eat.
     I ate the bread.  Afterwards, I got up to put on my dress clothes, knowing that that day was the day I graduate from high school.  I went to school, but while I was in my car, my mind wandered.  All of a sudden, I heard honking.  After that, I couldn't remember a thing...



TO BE CONTINUED...
Rate x/10, please. :)

Genre:  Action/Comedy
Author: *name withheld*
Setting:  America
Time: Near future, 2040

inb4tl;dr

I edited it for you

[Ad Bot]

[Jairo]

not to sound negative but:
absolutely, unequivocally, ridiculously awful

1. you barely describe anything, and when you attempt to, you add in so many god damn unnecessary details that you drag the reader's attention away from the situation? at hand
2. your vocabulary is so limited it hurts my brain
3. for god's sake, at least read over your stuff please
4. take some more lessons on writing some stories, though
5. your "book" thing seems like a very very short story
I mean, hell, "near death" is the point of that entire first paragraph, which seems to sum itself up
that isn't a book, mate
unless that's a prelude/prologue, but you'd have to describe more

overall: 4/10

[Oasis]

Spell check, and try not to use phrases like "All of a sudden". Suddenly works just as well or better yet use a thesaurus.

Overall, great style and grammar. Can't wait to see where it goes.

[Eussorus]

not to sound negative but:

yes it did.

[comedy101experiments]

is it about 9/11?

No, it's about the future, 2040.  Disasters are happening, and my sister and I fight for life (the next book will be called Fighting for Life).

P.S. If you couldn't already tell, it's not done yet.

not to sound negative but:
absolutely, unequivocally, ridiculously awful

you barely describe anything, and when you attempt to, you add in so many god damn unnecessary details that you drag the reader's attention away from the situation? at hand
your vocabulary is so limited it hurts my brain
for god's sake, at least read over your stuff please
take some more lessons on writing some stories, though
your "book" thing seems like a very very short story
I mean, hell, "near death" is the point of that entire first paragraph, which seems to sum itself up
that isn't a book, mate
unless that's a prelude/prologue, but you'd have to describe more

overall: 4/10

Wow, harsh.  Doesn't the title "writing" imply that it's not done?
Also, I do read over it, thanks for the review, though.

Spell check, and try not to use phrases like "All of a sudden". Suddenly works just as well or better yet use a thesaurus.

Overall, great style and grammar. Can't wait to see where it goes.

I did use spell check.  Also, okay, thanks!

[Oasis]

I did use spell check.  Also, okay, thanks!

    I stood still, paralyzed with fear from the sight of that horrible accident.  I almost died, but even worse, my parents were injured and my brother was dead.  Only my sister and I were ledft unharmed.  My sister called my name and I snapped back into reality.  I saw my mom lying on the ground, panting, screaming, frozen in shock.  My dad, same thing, but pale from fatigue.
     "Mom, dad, are you okay?!"  I said in a worried and hurried tone.  All of a sudden, my sister and I heard an explosion.  We were knocked down and saw debris flying straight towards us.  More explosions came and we ran under a bridge, walls and ceiling collapsing behind us as we ran.  We ran all the way home.
     Just when we reached home, I realized that we left our mom and dad back there!  "Hannah," I called to my sister when this occured to me.  "We left mom and dad back there!  We must check if they're okay!"  She replied, "They must've died from the explosion, it's not worth the time."
"Let's at least check!"
"No, they're dead, face the facts, Mars."
"We have to go, I'm older, so I'm in charge here, that means you listen to me."
There was a brief moment of silence until...
"Fine." she said in a sort of sighing tone.
     We finally left to find our parents, nothing but debris.  We could even find anything of sentimental value.  "What the heck happened anyways?" my sister said to me.  "I don't know, but I know it wasn't natural." I replied.
     I awoke to find that it was all a dream.  I was covered in sweat from head to toe, and tears welled up in my eyes.  This was a common thing for me, I usually have that same dream.  It seems to be predicting something.
"Mars!"  my mom called for me to come downstairs.  "Breakfest is ready!"
     If you would like to know the story behind my name, my ancestors worshipped Roman gods.  They were great heroes of their time, so my parents named me after one of their "gods".  Believe it or not, my family has been Christian for centuries.
     I wonder what that dream was about, then my mom calls me again.  I come downstairs to find a piece of buttered bread on the table.  "Really?  This could be better." I said.  My mom gave me 'the look', and said "You should appreciate what you have and not complain about it.  Someone in Africa would DIE right now for that bread."  She spoke the truth.  I decided to sit down and eat.
     I ate the bread.  Afterwards, I got up to put on my dress clothes, knowing that that day was the day I graduate from high school.  I went to school, but while I was in my car, my mind wandered.  All of a sudden, I heard honking.  After that, I couldn't remember a thing...

I know it's only two words, but you still need to fix them.

Also, there are some choppy bits, and you do have to remember, you can explain a situation just as well without dialogue than with it.

[Narkro555]

It went pretty fast. You need to spend more time on details. Also, don't forget about metaphors. Those are important to writing.

[comedy101experiments]

I know it's only two words, but you still need to fix them.

Also, there are some choppy bits, and you do have to remember, you can explain a situation just as well without dialogue than with it.

Thank you.

It went pretty fast. You need to spend more time on details. Also, don't forget about metaphors. Those are important to writing.

Ummm...

A BOOK I'M WRITING

Is this not clear to you people?



Can someone proofread it so far?

[Jairo]

No, it's about the future, 2040.  Disasters are happening, and my sister and I fight for life (the next book will be called Fighting for Life).

P.S. If you couldn't already tell, it's not done yet.Wow, harsh.  Doesn't the title "writing" imply that it's not done?
Also, I do read over it, thanks for the review, though.

main points that you need to fix are:
expand your vocabulary
stop using cliches and stuff
use more figurative language and describe more appropriately and effectively

[Narkro555]

Ummm...

What I mean is that without details or metaphors or any kind of writing tool it just feels like I'm skimming text.

[Thar]

Thanks!  Can I use your little paragraph?

I'd prefer you not.

I'll also sum up some of the other posts which I also recommend you do

Pre-write - Lay out characters, plot, conflicts etc

Characters: Make them life-like. Give them a personality and its good to make each one a bit different. You may have a shy person. When you write about a character ask yourself how this person would react. A good way to make characters is by this method

Speech - How does this person speak. Accents, vocabulary, and tone goes under here
Thoughts - This is the core of their personality. When this person sees a hot girl on the street does he want to ask her out of butcher her in his basement.
Effects - What is this persons effects on other people
Actions - How does this person behave in different situations
Looks - How does this person look. Physical characteristics and how they dress will go under here

Your book should consist of a main conflict at least where the main character or protagonist faces a problem. Different conflicts fall under two catagories

Internal: The character faces problems with thoughts or emotions.
Example - "I want to go to college but I'm scared of failing!"

External: Problems against another character, society, or nature.

Nature example - "A tornado blew my house down!"

Society example - "I want to go outside but everyone is afraid of gay people!"

Character - "Susie took my motherloving ball. I want it back!"


You should also just write a few paragraphs OUTLINING the overall plot. Do not go indepth.

You should edit and edit again. Edit for conventions, the things above, and the six traits of writing which can be read up on here.
http://wik.ed.uiuc.edu/index.php/Six_Trait_Writing

Keep in mind that is a simplification of the six traits and you should research them further but that's a good starting point.


Other stuff I'd recommend are expanding your vocabulary, and being more descriptive using the show don't tells I showed you on the previous page.

[Oasis]

You people need to be less of the asses you are and help with a bit of respect and kindness. I mean holy christ, I can be a jackass sometimes, but when people are putting out their work for us to see, I find that truly amazing and fun to critique in such a way to allow that person to grow, not to put them down.

Edit:

-snip-

See, helpfulness.

[Jairo]

If you would like to know the story behind my name, my ancestors worshipped Roman gods.  They were great heroes of their time, so my parents named me after one of their "gods".  Believe it or not, my family has been Christian for centuries.

more tips:
christianity wasn't taken too well in rome, fyi
also, the christians refused to worship the roman gods
what in sam hell are you preaching about

also, the period at "gods." should go within the quotes
never ever ever bring religion into a book unless it's a factual one (eg about the holocaust or something)

finally, everyone understands this is a wip (it's self-evident,) but you need to learn to accept criticism where it's due
the only way to improve is to receive feedback before the project is over

[indyjones]

Half a page?  Good luck finishing this

[Oasis]

more tips:
christianity wasn't taken too well in rome, fyi
also, the christians refused to worship the roman gods
what in sam hell are you preaching about

also, the period at "gods." should go within the quotes
never ever ever bring religion into a book unless it's a factual one (eg about the holocaust or something)

finally, everyone understands this is a wip (it's self-evident,) but you need to learn to accept criticism where it's due
the only way to improve is to receive feedback before the project is over

You have no idea what you're talking about. Christianity was the main religion of the Roman Empire right before it fell...