Primary - M4 .22 Tactical Rimfire
An M4 is highly customizable, resilient, and it's scary. I'd prefer it to be chambered for .22 since .22 is more plentiful, it's a lot quieter, the rounds weigh a lot less, and the nearly complete lack of recoil from .22 rounds would help an inexperienced shooter like me actually hit my target. And people will think it's an M4 regardless, they won't KNOW that it's a peashooter.
Secondary - Taurus 9-round Revolver
I actually own this weapon IRL so I'd be used to shooting it. It's also chambered for .22 ammunition, so it'd fire the same kind of rounds as my primary.
Melee - Hair Brush
There is absolutely no melee weapon in existence that I'd be able kill somebody with, so I might as well have great hair.