It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Radioactive Man, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling barely stunned, Radioactive Man slapped a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he realized that his beloved ACE OF SPADES was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Fallout Boy. Radioactive Man had known Fallout Boy for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Fallout Boy was unique. She was outgoing though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Radioactive Man called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Fallout Boy picked up to a very unhappy Radioactive Man. Fallout Boy calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies turn red before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually wildly panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Radioactive Man. Why was Fallout Boy trying to distract Radioactive Man? Because she had snuck out from Radioactive Man's with the ACE OF SPADES only two days prior. It was a enticing little ACE OF SPADES... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Radioactive Man got back to the subject at hand: his ACE OF SPADES. Fallout Boy panicked. Relunctantly, Fallout Boy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ACE OF SPADES. Radioactive Man grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Fallout Boy realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the ACE OF SPADES and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Radioactive Man took the amphibious vehicle, she had take at least six minutes before Radioactive Man would get there. But if he took the loving MONSTER TRUCK? Then Fallout Boy would be abundantly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Fallout Boy was interrupted by six stupid CRAB LUSUSs that were lured by her ACE OF SPADES. Fallout Boy turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling worried, she deftly reached for her carrot and fearlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the loving MONSTER TRUCK rolling up. It was Radioactive Man.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Radioactive Man was out of the loving MONSTER TRUCK and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Fallout Boy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Fallout Boy was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the ACE OF SPADES into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her giraffe. Fallout Boy was pleased but at least the ACE OF SPADES was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Fallout Boy sassily purred. With a careful push, Radioactive Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive beer-sloshed tool in a tricycle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Fallout Boy assured him. Radioactive Man took a seat hilariously close to where Fallout Boy had hidden the ACE OF SPADES. Fallout Boy belched trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Radioactive Man was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Fallout Boy noticed a stupid look on Radioactive Man's face. Radioactive Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Fallout Boy felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Radioactive Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the ACE OF SPADES right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Radioactive Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Radioactive Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Fallout Boy could react, Radioactive Man deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The ACE OF SPADES was plainly in view.
Radioactive Man stared at Fallout Boy for what what must've been seven millseconds. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Fallout Boy groped surreptitiously in Radioactive Man's direction, clearly desperate. Radioactive Man grabbed the ACE OF SPADES and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fallout Boy let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Radioactive Man,' she rebuked. Fallout Boy always had been a little clueless, so Radioactive Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Fallout Boy did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his ACE OF SPADES tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Fallout Boy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Radioactive Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Radioactive Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Fallout Boy walked over to the window and looked down. Radioactive Man was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Radioactive Man was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Fallout Boy's place. Radioactive Man had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral CRAB LUSUSs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ACE OF SPADES. One by one they latched on to Radioactive Man. Already weakened from his injury, Radioactive Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of CRAB LUSUSs running off with his ACE OF SPADES.
But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Radioactive Man's ACE OF SPADES. Feeling worried, God smote the CRAB LUSUSs for their injustice. Then He got in His tricycle and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion man-eating capybaras running from a misshapen pack of albino cats. Radioactive Man tripped with joy when he saw this. His ACE OF SPADES was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, MY LITTLE PONY, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet rusty razor blade'). Radioactive Man was thrilled. And so, everyone except Fallout Boy and a few pipe bomb-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright ©
www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/
