Blockland Writes! Megathread wooo (final attempt Broes)

[King of the Bill]

It's good, it's good, but not quite pro-grade, you know? Some of the rhymes seem too... forced.

Tough stuff happens, I write, rate x/10 if you care, yeah

Untitled

We play in the grass
Sharing our skittles
Then we eat and we eat
Scouring for vittles This is pretty forced... but rhyming with "skittles" isnt easy.

She floats above the ground
Higher and higher
But the more often it happens
Her need grows more dire This seems awkward but I can't think of a better way to word it.

We wrestle and rage
But no matter how much we fight
She say, calm down baby
Things are alright This one's good

I can stop if I want
She'll always say
I tell her it's that mindset If you're going for poetry this line is awkward, but otherwise ok
That will kill her some day

We toast s'mores by night
We build a big fire
We tell scary stories
We play in the mire Almost a little forced but still good

She tells me it's okay
The doll on the shelf
She's afraid of shots
Unless she injects them herself Line is a bit long compared to the rest of the stanza but otherwise ok

Today will be better
Happy second birthday!
Two years clean!
She turns away Good here

Crying, she shows me
The tracks on her arm
She told me she could stop
It wouldn't do her harm Consider rewording, maybe, "it would do her no harm"?

She threw out the coin
It said "Two years clean"
She's my porcelain doll
She doesn't like being seen Odd change of subject in the middle here, otherwise ok

I take away her skittles
We cut the grass in the yard
I tell her no more shots
But it's proving far too hard This one seems awkward but I'm not sure why.

My doll is in danger
Of cracking straight through
And every day this doll tells me
I love you This one's good

Just my critique. I haven't done much english either but I've done some independent work with musical poetry.

Give it an 8.5/10; you're certainly getting there.
I should add that the mix of rigid rhyme/sturcture and more loose line length makes the whole thing look awkward in my head, but that's just personal stylistic preferences.

[Ad Bot]

[rockslide26]

I was trying to go for a childlike innocence at first, skittles are candy but also a street name for Ritalin, and so on.

Some rhymes were definitely awkward but it was written when I was pissed off and cracking up and I don't want to touch it because the emotion I felt then was so strong I don't want to take the feeling away.

[John Constantine]

I'd prefer constructive criticism if possible, what did I do wrong? Did you just not enjoy it? Or is there something fundamentally wrong with it?

what? i said good job. lol seriously wtf

[Moonstar Akemi]

I'm trying to think of something to write but I just can't.

lol

Fresh out of ideas/10

Been like this for months and I can't loving write anymore. This blows.

I was trying to go for a childlike innocence at first, skittles are candy but also a street name for Ritalin, and so on.

Some rhymes were definitely awkward but it was written when I was pissed off and cracking up and I don't want to touch it because the emotion I felt then was so strong I don't want to take the feeling away.

I know the feeling, man. But whenever I can't make a line rhyme, I have to revision the entire loving poem and it's horrible.

[Pacha-]

I wonder if I can find anything I wrote earlier and posted on the forums.

[Kimon]

I cannot write deep poetry, in fact i cant even put emotions into it as far as im concerned. Whaddo ya know i have to write a forget load of them for english

[Moonstar Akemi]

Here's a stuffty poem I wrote in 2012 taken directly from my Deviantart:

Raining Frustration:

As cold rain falls I can hear my mind,
Within me screams are undefined.
The glistening rain drops splash upon my face,
I begin to think that I'm a disgrace.

Whose side to choose whose side to take?
I can only lose until I break.
These thoughts that rush through my head,
Begin to turn me around like a ball of thread.

The lies,
The hate,
The unfortunate mistakes,
All that makes me hesitate.

The truth,
The faith,
The only hope I can make,
The things I see when staring in a lake.

When the rain stops and I can feel my face,
I turn and head home without leaving a trace.
I look out my window and wonder,
When the world will begin to sunder.

Rate x/10. I won't be offended if you call it bad. This is an older writing of mine so don't expect it to be good.

[rockslide26]

I'd say a 7.5/10, some of the line transitions are super awkward, and I get a vibe that you were going for drama, and the words were communicating it, but the feelings weren't. If you feel hopeless, then your audience should, too

[Moonstar Akemi]

I'd say a 7.5/10, some of the line transitions are super awkward, and I get a vibe that you were going for drama, and the words were communicating it, but the feelings weren't. If you feel hopeless, then your audience should, too

lol yeah, some of the lines were kind of last-minute additions and ended up sounding stuffty. My recent writings have been much better but my hard-drive took a stuff and I lost everything so I can't really post those anymore. lol

[King of the Bill]

Thought I'd throw my own stuff out here so you can see that although I'm good with structure/rhyme my subject matter is stupid lol

Code: [Select]

We were together once,
in a time that never was
Underneath a stormy sky,
we stayed there, just because.

We didn't know reality
was fluid as the rain,
and once the past had reconsidered,
all I saw was pain,
but memory remains...
Just a random bit of what.

Also some stuff I wrote back in 7th grade, my first real attempt at poetry that didn't drag:

Code: [Select]

Birds

Sitting on a power line
Watching, waiting, soon to dine
On a couple tiny seeds
All they need to meet their needs.
Why did nature make them so?
Don't ask me, cause I don't know!

Here's a stuffty poem I wrote in 2012 taken directly from my Deviantart:

Raining Frustration:

As cold rain falls I can hear my mind,
Within me screams are undefined.
The glistening rain drops splash upon my face,
I begin to think that I'm a disgrace. This line and prior line are a bit awkward.

Whose side to choose whose side to take?
I can only lose until I break.
These thoughts that rush through my head,
Begin to turn me around like a ball of thread. Awkward but hard to reword.

The lies,
The hate,
The unfortunate mistakes,
All that makes me hesitate. A bit awkward.

The truth,
The faith,
The only hope I can make,
The things I see when staring in a lake. again a bit awkward

When the rain stops and I can feel my face,
I turn and head home without leaving a trace.
I look out my window and wonder,
When the world will begin to sunder. Second and fourth lines are weird, fourth is most awkward line in this poem by far.

Rate x/10. I won't be offended if you call it bad. This is an older writing of mine so don't expect it to be good.

7.5/10 or so

Edit: Looking back, lines 2 and 3 of Birds are weird and that random bit of what has a few oddities as well, but it's late and I'm tired.

[Moonstar Akemi]

Thought I'd throw my own stuff out here so you can see that although I'm good with structure/rhyme my subject matter is stupid lol

Code: [Select]

We were together once,
in a time that never was
Underneath a stormy sky,
we stayed there, just because.

We didn't know reality
was fluid as the rain,
and once the past had reconsidered,
all I saw was pain,
but memory remains...
Just a random bit of what.

Also some stuff I wrote back in 7th grade, my first real attempt at poetry that didn't drag:

Code: [Select]

Birds

Sitting on a power line
Watching, waiting, soon to dine
On a couple tiny seeds
All they need to meet their needs.
Why did nature make them so?
Don't ask me, cause I don't know!7.5/10 or so

The first one is pretty excellent. I'd give it like an 8.5/10. lol

Second one was cute but too short to give much of a rating on it. I liked it, though.

I will TRY to write something new.. but forget. It's so hard now. :c

[rockslide26]

Don't force it, it'll come.

[Moonstar Akemi]

Don't force it, it'll come.

Problem is that my life stopped being so dramatic after I left public school and went into online school. The lack of social interaction and the fact that I got a job that takes up most of my time has caused my life to go so dull that there's not much to it anymore but a work schedule and boredom.

My emotions cause me to write well. I'm lacking emotions to do so.

[King of the Bill]

Problem is that my life stopped being so dramatic after I left public school and went into online school. The lack of social interaction and the fact that I got a job that takes up most of my time has caused my life to go so dull that there's not much to it anymore but a work schedule and boredom.

My emotions cause me to write well. I'm lacking emotions to do so.

"My life is so exciting it's no life at all,
you try and ride a tidal wave you can't help but fall" -Scatman John, Everything Changes

[King of the Bill]

Code: [Select]

The Superscape Rap

You people have potential
for good or evil, great and small,
but if you had no world left,
you wouldn't have anything at all.

That's why we're here, you got nothin to fear,
cause we been savin your planet some thousands a' years.
We work while we hide right in front of your face,
You gotta know one of us, we're all over the place

The Architects: When stuff gets real,
We come out of our hiding and seal the deal
And if or when we finally lose the day,
there's a place for you all on a world faraway!

(to be continued?)

I just wrote this based on The Superscape Project, which I posted half-done in Creativity a while back and managed to hit the character limit in the first post.