The Strangers- a book I'm writing.

[Benjamin Lopez]

You should really explain more about what your characters are doing and how they look, also try looking back over it to fix any grammatical or spelling errors that you may have made. I know that this is just a sample but you should make your chapters longer, at least 3-5 paragraphs.

[Ad Bot]

[Mulch]

There's a lot of writers on the internet, you should go where the congregate I'm sure they've already constructed tips for you. I've read some they're pretty good.

[VincentTheGuy]

Honestly, this is really just bluegh. The content is dry and overall boring. There is no description of what's really happening. And just a really big lack of detail.

[Shell]

tbh this is kinda bad. everything is too fast paced and theres no explanation. in the first paragraph, everything is moving too quickly, we dont know stuff about our character, and the sentences are really short, the vocabulary is poor, overall it sucks. 3/10 3 for effort would not buy

[mp7964]

Well this would pass 5th grade English I guess.

[Niff]

Chapter 1: Rape story

Chapter 2: Some star fish breaks defenseless child's phone

Thats what I got from it...

[Jairo]

Well this would pass 5th grade English I guess.

this


in the words of kurt vonnegut

"1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

4. Every sentence must do one of two things — reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

6. Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them-in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should roosterroaches eat the last few pages."

[AromaniaFTW]

Extremely awkward, inconsistent, and overall not entertaining.
You put in some unnecessary filler descriptions like "my $150 phone" and describing the house awkwardly. The way you put "unpleasant materials" was just dumb in a way I can't really describe but maybe because it's a bad word choice.
You're also rushing things where you could describe things to contribute to the mood or plot of the story, like the criminal ringing the doorbell.
But really what's blaring the most is why the protagonist didn't call the cops when he first confronted the criminals. That's a big plothole.
Making the story a flashback and doing it the way you are now is also a bad idea.

Overall you need to learn to better utilize literary elements and devices and become a better story teller in general because it's not very interesting.

[BlueCacti]

PROTECTED BYE DEVIANTART COPYRITE: DO NOT PLAJARISE.!!!

[Mounds Bar]

Picture book?

[Ayxrion]

if you wanted to make a book, spell "plagiarism" right :o
but i like it, for a 13 year old its decent.

[Night Fox]

the first part was lame (I didn't read much past that because I got distracted by the first part)
here is my revision of it

My mom doesn't let me ride the bus. She doesn't think the drivers are trustworthy, so I have to walk home from school. When I passed one of my friends' houses, I knew that I was about 3 blocks away from my own. That's when I noticed a white van coming my way. The van stopped, and a man in the driver's seat rolled down his window.

my writing is probably influenced by different authors than yours, but I think most would agree that yours wasn't quite par, whether or not mine is

[Bacon Pancakes]

wat omigod im th only person who voted yes on the poll

1 to 23 :c

[LegendZ]

Eh.

Has too little details. Clunky action, doesn't move smoothly. Formatting throws me off, I couldn't follow it all that well.

[pefu19]

Why is the protagonist such a badass? He argues with any body who could easilly kill him.