Author Topic: The Battle for Wesnoth (Read 1390 times)

DestroyerOfBlocks · February 22, 2014, 02:17:00 AM

holy stuff what is this bullstuff why arent my units hitting the other guy why is this guys loving iron mauler named cigarettenig tearing my stuff apart

That is The Battle for Wesnoth experience

its loving free as stuff get it here http://wiki.wesnoth.org/Download

Do you know what this loving game is?

It is the absolute most bullstuff ballbusting game on the face of the earth. You don't play this game, it plays you.

Play the goddamn tutorial

The Battle for Wesnoth is a turn based strategy stuff based on a hex grid where you capture villages for gold and spawn units and pay upkeep with that gold. It features a high fantasy setting and multiple races that are completely generic. This may seem like a normal autistic turn based strategy but it gets far worse. We shall go over how deep this rabbit hole of loving bullstuff goes later.

Starting off

The Factions
default era only

The Loyalists
They are the generic human faction who like, other generic human factions, have to have the most variety in units, featuring 8 units to recruit, ranging from fast ass 22 damage cavalry to Gandalf wannabes. They are lawful and a primarily a melee oriented faction, and many of their units are slow or wholly incapable of moving through mountains. For reasons unknown they also have a merman that can swim through water really fast.

The Rebels
Generic elf faction who love trees and smoking marijuana and other hippie stuff. The elves themselves are neutral-aligned and now you too can be Legolas because all of these forgeters have bows. Also like every single elf faction before them, they have loving whack defense in forests. Included is some standard issue peace and love healing unit. Also in there are some neutral aligned humans nobody cares about, that merman the humans have, and Woses, which are lawful not-ents that will jump out and instagib your units and then slip into a forest until they can do it again. They burn really easy though.

Knalgan Alliance
You can't have a Tolkien rip without including the generic dwarf faction. Reigning champions in worst faction name ever, the dwarves are experts at going onto mountains and stuffting there until the end of the game. It didn't work in Moria, so it probably won't work here either. Dwarves defend like absolute stuff on any terrain that they cannot extract booze from, which would be everything that isn't a mountain, village, or castle. The dwarves themselves are neutral and feature some of the most bullstuff units in the game, ranging from the obligatory dwarf with a gun who does 12 damage per shot to the ulfseeker which will kill all of your adepts as when you play undead. They also feature some chaotic human units. Apparently they wisened up after Frodo forgeted off and actually ride the eagles now, making the best scouting unit in the game

Drakes
lol

Undead
They will magically tear you three starfishs at night, the undead are a chaotic-aligned faction who specialize in stuffting out a bunch of evil magical cunts who in turn stuff out evil magical damage. By far the most aggressive faction in the early parts of the game. The other undead units are less noteworthy aside from the walking corpse, who cain raise the dead, and the ghoul, who has affectionately been christened as niggo by esteemed members of the community. Unlike normal undead factions, stuffting out units is not the best strategy for them as they are eclipsed by...

Northerners
The true kings of spamming a bunch of stuffty units, they are home to the highest HP units at the cheapest cost. They are composed of orcs, trolls, and goblins who are all chaotic, and nagas who are a neutral counterpart to the merman unit. Their high HP bullstuff reaches it's peak with the trolls, who have a passive ability to regen 8 hp per turn. They also have access to a bunch of spammable stuffty goblin that suck, orc units that don't suck, and the obligatory wolf riders that were seen in LoTR.

The Game Mechanics

Attacking and Defending

Alright now that we have gone over every garbage faction in the game, we can discuss why this game is will destroy you mentally. All of the goddamn attacks have a chance to fail. This isnt some cigarettegy Fire Emblem oh maybe i'll fail 1% of the time oh man the chance is so high bullstuff. On even terrain your attacks usually have a goddamn 50% chance of failure. That is 50% of the loving time your stuff will fail, usually more at critical moments such as when a game changing enemy unit is about to die and the game shoves its tolkien-crusted richard in your mouth. Thankfully, most units attack three times at once so you can get extra pissed when they all miss. You can only attack one per turn, and attacking prevents you from moving. Standing on less open terrain like mountains or forests lets you have a higher chance of theoretically not getting hit, and different units have different stats on different terrains, so be sure to look at that.

Weaknesses and Resistances

Each attack is a certain attack type, and certain units are more resistant or weak against certain attack types. That's it, really.

Hilarious Gimmicks

soon

People who actually play this game

Destroyerofblocks as Nigeria
Betelgeuse as Beteljew
Alkatjo as Alkatjo