Jerry: So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of
them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both
of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to audience
for response)
Audience: Cheque
Jerry: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's
writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that
women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many
cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know
where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for
the cheque book-- the cheque book comes out of a holster: ["draws" imaginary
book from an imaginary holster] ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my
ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine.
I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note
from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll
contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you
just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have
these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?''
[End monologue]
% Open at a video store where Jerry and some woman named "Elaine" are
% apparently looking to rent a movie for the night.
Jerry: What's that one?
Elaine: "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there...
Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if
she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I
gotta have a Lo mein!"
Elaine: Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*.
Jerry: Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this.
% Jerry shows Elaine some movie from the Adult section that's probably
% called "The Sperminator", or something...
Elaine: Oh, lovely...
Jerry: Yeah...
Elaine: What do you think their parents think?
Jerry: "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"
"Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..."
Elaine: Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's
birthday.
Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her?
Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.
Jerry: Oh yeah, right...
Elaine: You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you?
Jerry: [quickly] No.
Elaine: Blonde hair remember? Glasses? [pause] Have you *totally* blocked
out the entire time we were a couple?
% Bing!
Jerry: Riverside Drive.
Elaine: Right! In fact... No, never mind...
Jerry: Well, what is it?
Elaine: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some
bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no.
Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.
Elaine: What little deal?
Jerry: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I
have on Saturday.
Elaine: A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?
Jerry: Y'know, my parents are coming in for this...
Elaine: They're coming in?
Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow.
Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
Jerry: No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across.
Elaine: Why does he do that?
Jerry: Doesn't think anyone can tell?
Jerry: So c'mon, do we have a deal?
Elaine: A *wedding*?
Jerry: There's a lot of people to mock...
Elaine: Alright, what the Hell.
Jerry: Great!
Woman: When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin'
anywhere...
% Still haven't figured *that* one out yet. Nevertheless, at the bar
% the next night...
Elaine: C'mon lets go, c'mon...
Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something?
Elaine: You could have.
Jerry: I met her *one* time...
Elaine: It is not necessary.
Jerry: What did you say then?
Elaine: Sssshhhhhh!!!
Pamela: Hi
Elaine: Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry.
Pamela: Yes, we met.
Jerry: Hi, happy birthday.
Pamela: Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
Guests: Hi
Jerry: I didn't bring anything.
Pamela: Ahh, I put you two right here.
Jerry: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what
to bring, nobody told me.
% They sit down at a table next to each other. The piano man plays
% your basic "one-step-up-from-elevator-music" (simply 'cuz you're not
% stuck in an elevator while listening to it). Across from Jerry is
% a strikingly beautiful woman. She speaks:
Vanessa: How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop?
Jerry: I'm in for five...
Vanessa: I'll supply the hat.
Jerry: [To himself] Uh-oh... What do we have here...
Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?
Jerry: Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly.
Vanessa: How masculine...
Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos.
[To himself] She's unbelievable!
% The guy beside Venus, er, I mean Vanessa interrupts to tell her about this
% unseen guy next to him.
Roger: [To Vanessa] Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker...
Vanessa: Oh, you know Bricker! From where?
% With their conversation interrupted, Jerry ponders to himself...
Jerry: [To himself] What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's
too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver
anyway with Elaine next to me...
Vanessa: [To Jerry] How do you know Pamela?
Jerry: Friend of a friend. And you?
Vanessa: We went to law school together.
Elaine: Oh, Jerry!
Jerry: [To himself] Oh no, not *now*...
Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it.
Jerry: Oh really... [To himself] Oh God, I gotta get out of this...
Elaine: You were you, but, you weren't you...
Jerry: No kidding... [To himself] Why is this happening? Please, make
her stop!
Elaine: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were
standing there, you were looking out the window--
Jerry: [To himself] This is *brutal*...
Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth...
Jerry: How do you like that... [To himself] Can I turn now? Is this
over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...
Elaine: Jerry? Are you listening to me?
Jerry: Yes, I *heard* you.
Pamela: Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that
time?
Jerry: [To himself] Thank *you*, Pamela!
Jerry: [To Vanessa] So, you're a lawyer...
Vanessa: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...
[To Vanessa] Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!
Vanessa: Oh, that was you!
Jerry: Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...
Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do?
Jerry: Comedian.
Vanessa: Really... That explains it...
Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Roger: Are you ready?
Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday!
% The two of them get up an leave. Jerry panics n his own mind...
Jerry: [To himself] I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't even
know her name!
% Oh, poor Jerry. If only he would read my episode capsules, he would've
% known her name 70 lines ago...
Jerry: [To himself, *very* quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and
Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...
% A grim stare from Elaine knocks his concentration. After the party, in
% the cab home...
Jerry: That wasn't so bad, really...
Elaine: Y'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners.
Jerry: Why? What did I do?
% You mean besides not bringing anything?
Elaine: Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses",
like I'm selling you aluminum siding.
Jerry: I was listening!
Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation".
% Okay Jerry. Bottom of the ninth. Two on, down by one. Two strikes on
% you. Let's see how you do in the clutch...
Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.
Elaine: Uh-huh...
% So far, so good.
Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.
% Oops. Whiff.
Elaine: No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth! *I*
didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did!
Jerry: Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what?
Elaine: So nothing... Nothing...
% Cut to Jerry in a nightclub somewhere, doing another monologue...
Jerry: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic
relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after
himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My
idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out*
with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and go
right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!''
I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get
relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet
you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: ``Hi, my name's
Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a
*"Riconic"* relationship...''
% Jerry gets home after the party. His place is characteristically not
% vacant, but it's not Kramer inside-- it's his folks.
Jerry: Hey!
Morty: Ah, there he is!
Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your
bed!
Helen: Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...
Jerry: What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here...
Helen: Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel.
Jerry: Ma, will you stop?
Helen: No, why should we take over your apartment?
Jerry: I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.
Helen: Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?
Jerry: No, he's making a bouillabaisse.
Jerry: So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big
law offices?
Morty: Depends on the firm.
Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they
would know who it was?
Morty: What's the matter? You need a lawyer?
Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I
don't know her name.
Morty: So why don't you ask someone who was at the party?
Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her.
Helen: Why not?
Jerry: Because it's complicated-- there's some tension there.
Helen: He used to go with her...
Helen: Which one is she?
Morty: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered
cherries you didn't like.
Morty: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.
Jerry: Oh yeah, she's great.
Helen: So, how come nothing materialized there?
Jerry: Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno...
Helen: I know what it was...
Jerry: You don't know what it was...
Helen: So, what was it?
Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason...
% Both his parents respond in that "You know so little son, that's to be
% expected", sarcastic, know-it-all tone...
H + M: Oh, well...
Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry...
% Oops. Cat got your collective tongue, folks? They occupy themselves
% for a few seconds, not knowing how to respond to *that*...
Helen: Well, I think she's a very attractive girl.
Jerry: Oh, she is, she absolutely is.
Helen: I can see if there was a *weight* problem...
Jerry: No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.
% Why, Jerry? How could anyone not like you?
Helen: You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.
% Except maybe Jerry. Right, Mrs. Seinfeld?
Jerry: I know, I know...
Morty: Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.
Helen: Idiot... [To Jerry] So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren?
Jerry: That's got *nothin'* to do with it.
Morty: How about Loni Anderson?
Helen: Where do you get Loni Anderson?
Morty: Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
Helen: I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...
% That makes a bunch of us, Mrs. Seinfeld...
Jerry: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't "the one".
Helen: And this other one's "the one"?
Jerry: I dunno, maybe...
Morty: So ask Elaine there for the number.
Jerry: I can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her,
especially this one tonight.
Helen: How could you still see her if your not interested?
Jerry: We're *friends*.
Morty: Doesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd
ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?
Jerry: Oh yeah...
% Yeah, but can he say it six times fast? Actually, he probably can...
Morty: Well, go up to the office.
Helen: Up to her office?
Morty: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?
Jerry: I guess...
Morty: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to
come down for lunch.
Jerry: You mean "stakeout" the lobby?
Poll