Coming to America: The Prequel
This story begins in 14 century Europe. Christopher Columbia was gettin' real tired of Britain's stuff. Like fo' real. So what he did was he got a bunch of boats and hired George Washington to go create the United States of America. It was gonna be awesome
They started sailing and crashed into Mammoth Rock two days later. The ship sank. One of the officers on the ship, John Smith, needed the vagoo real bad so he took off to find Pocahondas. Meanwhile, G.W. started writing the amendments and stuff. He made America. They soon sent all the Indians back to Mexico where they came from. Then for some reason the Mexicans wanted Texas and the Texans were like, "Hell naw!" and kicked their wetback asses
Then Britian got real jealous and wanted more tea, but the Americans drank it all at the tea party. So then Britian sent a whole bunch of richards in red blazers to forget us up, but Mel Gibson forgeted them up. He got an Oscar.
Around this time, Ben Franklin tied a key to a kit in a thunderstorm and discovered electricity when this made his TV turn on. Unfortunately, he was shot in the back of the head in a theater after he wanted some dudes to illegally search the Watergate Hotel. This sparked the Civil War.
The rednecks were trying to keep all the chocolate people, but the north I guess didn't really wanna have chocolate people. General Mustard defeated the Rebel scum at the Battle of the Bulge. This began the great cotton shortage of 1890. That's also around the same time that Riddler got into a submarine and sank a ship. The Jews took all his money in court, so he hated Jews now. Riddler, being in the shower business with his father, had an excess of showers. He hid the Jews in the showers until the Allies found out and banned showers until 1994. This brings us to WW2.
This started when China nuked Hawaii. We got pissed and sent even more nukes (two of them) to Vietman. Agent Orange¹ signed the official order to invade Korea. He wasn't very popular. Vietnam teamed up with Germany, but thanks to Tom Hanks and Stephen Spielberg, America won the stuff out of it.
That's when Nasa invented space. They started shipping people to the moon, but stopped when they found out there was no air there and everyone was dying. So we invented a space shuttle so we could watch late-night HBO satellite research. But a huge hemorrhoid was coming towards Earth. Bruce Willis ran a space ship into it and saved America.
The End
¹ Direct descendant of Whoopie Goldberg.
