To whom it may concern:
They say that humor hides pain. Well if my humor is sub-par, then imagine how bad the pain is.
I've contemplated Self Delete nearly every day for the last 4 years or so
And those posts where I got extremely defensive were me trying to protect the one shred of pride or self-esteem that I have left, as my self-esteem is total stuff.
I was abused from ages 5-9 by my starfish stepdad that my mom dated for like a week, forgetting how to trust those I loved.
I forgot social skills, and spent the majority of the time sitting on the floor in my room
I learned how to survive by being alone
This was the cause for my later drop in self-esteem and pride issues (the ones I mentioned in the last drama)
It wasn't until I pity-friended the most annoying and unpopular kid in the 5th grade that my self esteem really dropped.
With that, the bullies bullying my "friend" turned on me as well, which almost immediately triggered my depression
And a few months later, my friend switched to a private school, leaving me all alone against the bullies
I tried going to the school administration, but the bullies' parents must have had some sort of setup with the administration staff, because they took away my recess to separate us.
I went back to being alone, and it only went downhill from there.
I did not want to seek help for the fear that I would be labeled a psycho or a weak-ass, so I've bottled it up
I was afraid to talk to my parents or anyone about it.
These pride issues, aforementioned, also made me believe that I must achieve perfection, that I must never let my guard down, which really just hindered my pride even more, ironically, when I naturally could never achieve it.
Whenever I forget up, I either feel extreme rage or extreme sadness
In 7th grade I was diagnosed with ADHD (congratulations, you sorta guessed it!). They gave me some Vyvanse (40 mg) that worked wonders! My grades skyrocketed, I lost weight, I made tons of new friends. I became the smartest kid in class, getting mostly 100%'s on all of my tests and assignments. It was great.
Until in 8th Grade, my parents upped the dosage to 50 mg. This triggered my pride and perfection obsessions again: I became hyper-focused in class, and sort of turned into a "robot". My personality became dormant during the day, until I turned into a spas at night. My only focus was work, and progress, but only for the grades. My motivation was artificial.
I tried to push the pill's effects away towards the end of the year, and it sorta worked. I made some better friends, and even became somewhat popular for my sense of humor. (Ironic, isn't it? I guess me not knowing any of you allows me to be more stupid in my comedy.)
Though I lost some of my friends in this process, and thus lost all deep friendships, except for one, who now goes to a different school, and made me feel lonely, sort of. However, this breakthrough also made me lose all motivation to work and achieve, except for short little bursts from time to time. I find it hard to complete anything, not because it's difficult but because I don't have any motivation, in work or in life.
Thus, my problems linger. They are amplified and retracted. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I am here, or whether or not I should be here. Whether it should be done tonight or if I could just hold on one more day.
You may not see much of this, but that's because I've gotten used to bottling my emotions and creating a wall around myself because I cannot trust anyone to see inside of me. This little post is a crack in the wall that's letting them escape, it shall be sealed shortly.
I've thought many times about making a thread of this, but it would most likely be labeled as "b8" or me looking for attention, as nobody takes me seriously on this forum anymore, and why should they now?
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