My take on American history:
In like 1600s or 1700s, a bunch of British people said "Let's not go to Australia, too many cunts there", so they packed some ships and sailed to where a bunch of other sailors had once explored. There we groups on the East Coast and then some morons in Virginia, and the morons in Virginia pretty much all died because they were morons. Meanwhile, the group the East realised they didn't like tea all that much so they threw a lot of boxes in the water, thus the Tea Party was born, and now Americans will throw their tea boxes on the ground every year at the same time.
So anyway, this lead to a lot of talking and arguments and some fighting and eventually some fat guys signed some Declaration of Independence that ultimately meant they were able to give the English the bird. The English then said "f**** this noise" and ran off and the newly formed Americans then elected their first president, Captain of the Morons George Washington. Under his command, people did some exploring s*** and they started colonising the rest of America and accidentally kill off most of the natives that didn't make casinos because everyone had the flu.
At some point down the road this one guy wanted a train track. He made some law thingy that created Nebraska and the other one, and then people were doing stupid things regarding slavery, and then a big civil war broke out. Then all of the Confederates who enjoyed giant monster trucks, shotguns and cheap beer fought the other people who enjoyed long walks on the beach and being right. The other people won, and there was much celebration involving cheap beer and long walks on the beach.
So then nothing happened for a long time except for the gold rush which made people move around a lot since they couldn't find any jobs, a bunch of presidents dying because public healthcare doesn't exist in America, something about the depression because people who run the stock exchange aren't actually good at maths and then 9/11.
The end.
