writing something for school

[hodot]

i'll give you the first paragraph

The sky was a fur grey, a faint shimmer of light in the distance, a beacon. The sky moved with subtle grace, an old hero with a clear conscience. The congregation moved as one, seemingly in unison, along with the heavens above. Not a sound was heard, except for the malevolent blowing of the wind around them, seeking the hearts of those who stood weak, those with lesser will. The frigid atmosphere collided with the will of the group, biting at one’s mind, leaving an ache of hopelessness. Though they moved as one, every mind was isolated with its own willingness to go on, not able to focus on another, though they toiled with protecting one another. Blades of bleeding green lay withered in the dust, trampled by the weight of the cold air.

feel free to give any criticism or suggestions

[Ad Bot]

[ßlöükfáce]

i don't understand what it means

[hodot]

i don't understand what it means

the congregation implies a group of people

[Rally]

Okay dude, I think you're filling it up with too many poetic words. Don't do that. You're telling a story right?

You want to tell a story, not a poem. When you tell your friend in school a cool story that happened to you in the past, you don't go into explicit detail about irrelevant details. Imagery is best built when created in brief but clear descriptions, not with tons of fancy words.

You're telling a story to the reader. Pretend you're actually telling a story to a person sitting across from you. Tell the story like that.

[hodot]

agh stuff i always do that. i always find it superfluous to use common words for some reason. i do love writing poetry, though.

i can try to start over with a different story and simplify it. this one is more steered toward the symbolism than the actual content.

[Zay]

writing like that isn't a problem especially if that's the style. if you think it's a problem, then you've never read any spanish "barroco" novels.

[Satan From Wreck-It-Ralph]

i can try to start over with a different story and simplify it. this one is more steered toward the symbolism than the actual content.

but they want the symbolism
make them think everything is a symbol
that is literally all I do for English and I have an A.

[Nomel]

the sentences seem really repetitive in structure imo

The sky was a fur grey, a faint shimmer of light in the distance
The sky moved with subtle grace, an old hero with a clear conscience.
The congregation moved as one, seemingly in unison
Not a sound was heard, except for the malevolent blowing of the wind around them
seeking the hearts of those who stood weak, those with lesser will.
The frigid atmosphere collided with the will of the group, biting at one’s mind,
Though they moved as one, every mind was isolated with its own willingness to go on
not able to focus on another, though they toiled with protecting one another.
Blades of bleeding green lay withered in the dust, trampled by the weight of the cold air.

other then that I like it.
but srsly if you want a good grade just

make them think everything is a symbol

[ResonKinetic]

Don't use "the" as a crutch.

[TeeOS]

the sentences seem really repetitive in structure imo
other then that I like it.

Pretty much this. The second sentence seems like you're trying to compare the sky to a hero, but you use a comma to convey it. You could also try:

The sky moved with subtle grace much like an old hero with a clear conscience.
The sky moved with subtle grace, it was an old hero with a clear conscience.
The sky moved with as much subtle grace as an old hero with a clear conscience.

As well as playing with combining the two sky sentences:

The sky was a fur grey, a faint shimmer of light in the distance, a beacon, moving with subtle grace like an old hero with a clear conscience.

Otherwise, I thought it was cool. It would be kind of nice for you to explain a bit more about the environment they're in (jungle, city, etc), but as it is, its good.

[F3d323]

i honestly dont know why but my english and spanish literature teachers love me
iunno i just write
dont exaggerate on the poetic words or it just doesnt sound ok

[hodot]

   The sky was a fur grey, a faint shimmer of light in the distance, a beacon. The sky moved with subtle grace much like an old hero with a clear conscience. The congregation moved as one, in unison with the heavens above. Not a sound was heard except for the malevolent blowing of the wind around them that sought the hearts of those who stood weak, those with lesser will. The frigid atmosphere collided with the will of the group, biting at one’s mind and leaving an ache of hopelessness. They moved as one yet every mind was isolated with its own willingness to go on and not able to focus on another, though they toiled with protecting their brethren. Blades of bleeding green lay withered in the dust, trampled by the weight of the cold air for so long.
   Night fell upon the desolate plain with haste, rushing the bashful group to set up their checkpoint for the night.
   “Not even the fire can keep the wind at bay,” one mentioned.
   Another looked up and nodded in agreement, followed by the rest. “This beacon of light seems no closer than ages past, yet we continue our trek. Why is this? What is the purpose? Certainly there is more to this life than seeking something that seems so desperate, so impossible.”
   The others gazed to the heavens in deep contemplation of their journey, their purpose. One returned to warming themselves, the others’ energy waning. They finally turned in for the night after dusk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   When they all awoke the next morning, they had noticed that they were missing one from their group.
   “What could this treachery mean? We were told to seek the light without holding back,” one cried. Another drew his gaze upward.
   “I believe they told us that it is a task for after we’ve lived what we can, done what there is to do in life, not to waste our lifeline on one task.” The others nodded in agreement.
   The first member seemed flustered. “This beacon can save us! It is our salvation! It is worth it to waste an entire life to reach this point of true eternity with love and grace!”
   Another stepped forward. “And if we fail, and perish in our efforts?”
   They all stared toward the ground, no one spoke.

updated

[Midevil Warrior]

   -snip-

Better! Good job!