Sorry for the double post but I want to quickly tell one of the many Mikegina stories (I'll explain the name another day, so for now let's call him Count Chocola for now, y'all know why)
I'm going to keep this one short and put more detail into the really good stories, I'll be telling everyone about the entire Mikegina vs Tex saga
This is a tale about a guy I once dated, the vampire dude, basically we were walking around my neighborhood when he started to complain that he had to go to the bathroom.
Most of the places in my stuffty neighborhood are small and don't really have bathrooms. There's a few convenience stores, a good will and a few other places. None of them have bathrooms available for the customers.
We had walked to my house from the bus stop, and the whole time he kept loving whining. It just went on and on, so when we got to my place he asked my dad if he could use our bathroom. I had no say so I stayed out of it, and my dad, being the starfish he is, said "forget no, you can't use my bathroom, go the forget home, you prick." At this point he started complaining even more
And I thought to myself "I'm going to torture him this poor, helpless bastard" because I am an evil bitch and I have nothing but evilness and hatred in my soul. Instead of walking him home I told him "Hey Mike, I think the Stop n' Go has a bathroom." I knew they didn't, but y'know. It's around the corner from my house, so not much of a walk. When we got there, I stood outside and watched him as he walked in and asked about the bathroom. The stuffting of the pants process had begun.
He made the weirdest loving grunting face I have ever seen. It looked like he was trying to play a game of jacks with his asscheeks while underwater, trying to hold his breath. Honestly I know that isn't funny and makes no sense but hell, I really cannot explain it any other way.
It didn't end there, sadly. He must've just farted or crowned for like 30 seconds. Nonetheless I was like "Damn that sucks, let's go meet up with Tex down by 7/11. I know they have a bathroom." We weren't going to meet my friend (tex is the guy in my other story, who plays a pretty big part in the epic Mikegina tard saga. I won't be giving his real name so we're calling him Tex) and I damn well knew they didn't have a public restroom either...
It's about 4-5 blocks up my street from my house. When we got there, we had to cross the street, and it's a pretty busy street. The only way to cross is by jaywalking whenever the cars stop coming, which is whenever all the stars and planets align, I swear to loving god. Anyways we stood across from 7/11, at this point he was doing some weird potty peepee dance and I was pretending that I didn't know him because of the secondhand embarrassment. The cars kept on coming, and I looked over and heard what sounded like an elephant blowing a Annoying Orangeet through its ass with its own trunk. It was awful, it smelt like rotten milk fermenting in a blue waffle vagina nailed to a dead corpse rotting in the sun. However, that wasn't the climax. He jumped and cried "forget THIS I GOTTA GOOOOO"
Before I could stop him he dashed across the road, somehow avoiding all the vehicles. The only thing that came to my mind was "Frogger: The move" directed by Michael Bay. Some of the cars stopped and honked, the ones that didn't, he somehow luckily dodged them. He kicked open the doors at 7/11 and shoved a customer away from the cashier and I'm guessing he asked for the bathroom. I could only see from across the street and through the windows. He was panicking, and the cashier shook her head. I facepalmed and laughed. I looked up and saw that all the cars had stopped and he crossed normally, but he was dashing, practically skipping. It was quite graceful and a bit too whimsical for a darkened, edgy vampire like himself.
He slapped me on the shoulder and looked me straight in the face, staring into my soul.
"Elizabeth, I must return to my home for I have uh go to the restroom. FAREWELL" (yeah he tries to talk in a sophisticated dramatic manner, at least most of the time, but fails, I guess to be more gothic, i really dont know) He literally performed a dramatic cape swoop with his coat and began walking home, he made it a few blocks away before buckling his knees and grabbing his stomach. He grunted so loud I could hear it and then ran off. I was standing there, dying of laughter.
Now for the best part. A bit later, about 30 minutes after he ran off into the sunset, I was on my way home when I felt my phone vibrate, I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that he messaged me on Facebook.
The message read "liz... >.> i made it to the bathroom..."
"but not to the toilet :'("
I stared at my phone and shook my head as I replied with "wat"
He then replied with "well... i got in th bathroom and i was getting ready 2 take off my pants n o.0 it all came out"
"are you serious bro"
"yes elizabeht what more do u want from meeeeee :'''''("
"k"
fin
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