This will probably be a long read, and I'm sorry if you don't care, because if you don't care, it's best to stop reading now. Anyways, here we go.
So I grew up apart from my biological family. There are 8 kids, myself included. Most are older than me. I am 17 now. My early life, though I couldn't remember it, was dark. when I was born, my dad wasnt in jail, he is now serving 30 years for felony loveual assault. My mother was a good woman who got manipulated into doing bad things by him. She at least had the sense to have my siblings and I adopted, and so off I went. I was born in San Antonio and was adopted by a family from Connecticut. In the early years of my life, we were well off financially, but everything was far from perfect. My parents' son seemed possessed by something. I was prone to fits of rage, breaking things, cursing people out, or retreating quietly into myself in seething anger. there's a home video we have somewhere of me refusing to participate in an easter egg hunt at church after telling the pastor to forget off. But I digress. Growing up, we'd all just assumed that it was a maturity issue and it would be better when I was older. I had been a compulsive liar for as long as I could talk, and we had hoped that would subside as well. Entering into my teens, I had started on a path of self destructive behavior, despite coming from a good home. I abused drugs and alcohol, and just generally didn't give a forget. I was very manipulative towards other people. I thought I had a talent for persuading people, and I was quite proud of it. I could get most anyone to do anything for me, given enough time to convince them.
It was around the time I hit 13 that other self destructive behaviors started. I started to cut and burn myself to hurt and manipulate my parents and doctors. One day, they had enough and sent me to the hospital. there, I had all the doctors and nurses in my pocket. I got out in 2 days. It was around the time I turned 14 that suicidal behavior joined my unstable moods. Jumping off the train platform, cutting deep, attempting to overdose, they all landed me in the hospital multiple times over the last 3 years. It was then that I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and paranoid schizophrenia.
My relationships with people were always strained at best. Lying was regular, and manipulation was a normal occurrence. In retrospect it was almost sociopathic, threatening those who loved me with Self Delete and becoming angry and hurting myself to hurt them. I never hurt myself because I wanted to or hated myself. It was always because I wanted people to act a certain way or I wanted to hurt them in some way. This coupled with a need for intimacy was too much for most everyone to handle. And they are right. I was a compulsive, manipulative, sociopathic liar, using threats to myself to control people.
My history on these forums is full of compulsive lies and a need to manipulate people for attention. My previous account was banned for "troll/compulsive liar" and I didn't realize how accurate that was until now.
So, all of my life, I experienced intense and unstable moods, was a compulsive liar, a manipulator, a suicidalbsociopath and used threats to myself to control those who cared about me. I was being treated for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, but I was reading about my father and it all clicked. He had what was listed as BPD by the prison he is in. I looked it up and found out about Borderline Personality Disorder. Suddenly, it all clicked. I've been undergoing the wrong treatment for my whole life. No longer was it a mystery as to why I acted how I did, or why I was still experiencing severe moods and having impulsive behavior.
I'd like to make an informal apology to all of you, for my behavior here. I manipulated, lied, and had no regard for the feelings of others. And for that, I am truly sorry.
If any of these symptoms sound like anything you've ever experienced, even if not all of them fit, I encourage you to read about BPD here.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorderI'm so excited that I figured my life out that I can hardly sleep, so feel free to ask me anything about BPD and my experience with it, or anything about my life really. I love you all <33
