I used to take medication for anxiety. I don't use it anymore because I've figured out how to function with it, but it's not any better.
I was very violent up until around age nine or ten, and then I stopped and never get angry at anybody anymore.
I had an intense fear of being feminine in any way as well, and I consider myself lucky that I got over this because if I didn't my viewpoint on a lot of things like homoloveuality and transgender would probably be a lot less tolerant.
On my tenth birthday (which I spent in Legoland Denmark, lucky me) I thought about how I was going to grow old and die and how everyone I know is going to die and I haven't philosophically worried about death since then.
My memory is bad enough that I will often blank on the names of my relatives and friends. One of my aunts recently died very suddenly, and two days before her funeral I forgot her name for about ten waking hours. Family meetups are always a huge source of fear for me because I don't want to offend anyone by not remembering what their name is.
I have an extreme tendency to sit in a corner of a room. As I type I am in the corner of a room. I have my bed in the corner of my room. In all of my classes at school I sit in a corner of the seating arrangement. This is mostly because I feel the need to be able to see everything that goes on in the room, and everything that enters or leaves. For the same reason, I hate when doors are left ajar. Open is okay, closed is ideal.
My work ethic has steadily declined over my entire time in high school, and my grades reflect it. By the end of this year, I'll have sorted things out, but for various reasons I currently have a 40 in one of my classes. It was a 23% previously.
I am incapable of establishing and holding to a proper sleep cycle. I need time alone really badly, in part just out of inherited traits, but in part because of the fact that throughout my childhood, my sister would always sign up for more activities than I would (she had a tumor on her pituitary that added to her already fanatical drive to do everything by producing massive amounts of adrenaline and other such things. In hindsight, she was a little superhuman sometimes. This went on for a long time without a proper diagnosis due to a combination of poor judgement on the part of my mother and that of doctors. As soon as somebody mentioned Cushing's disease, everything clicked and her surgery went great.) This wouldn't be a terrible thing except for the fact that I ended up getting dragged along to everything. As a result, most of what I remember most about being young is being extremely extremely bored for hours every day. My reaction was that I craved time by myself, beholden to nothing. Some of that carries over to today, and the one time that I really get that is in the dead of the night on school days. I end up sleep deprived, but it seems worth it because I can think and unwind.
My parents got divorced, which wasn't so bad, but my mom hasn't found the right guy yet. She has done a lot of dating, through friends and through several different dating websites. However, even though a lot of guys are interested in her, I'm really worried that she'll never find someone who's able to meet all of her needs. It doesn't help that she attracts really weird and awkward people, and sometimes brings them home and has dinner with them with me there.
tl;dr boo hoo i'm a child
It's really therapeutic to just articulate a lot of this. I know I don't have a really difficult life, but it often feels like it, and I guess I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
