To many worthy persons, who desire to deal intelligently and honestly with the myriad questions surrounding Bananas's effrontive lamentations, a thorough knowledge of Bananas's antics has become almost indispensable. To all persons of this sort, it is humbly hoped and believed that this letter may prove highly serviceable. I would like to start by discussing Bananas's memoranda, mainly because they scare me. The thing I'm the most frightened about is that Bananas's solutions are a zero-sum game. That is, what helps Bananas and his club inevitably harms us. What benefits us must hurt them. The logical conclusion to draw is that Bananas wants to create an intimidating, hostile, and demeaning environment. It gets better: He believes that everyone and everything discriminates against him—including the writing on the bathroom stalls. I guess no one's ever told him that he's desperate to convince us that yahooism is a be-all, end-all system that should be forcefully imposed upon us. To achieve this goal, he has apparently decided it's more effective to “construct a counternarrative” (read: make up a story) than to look for anything resembling facts. This worries me because Bananas desperately wants us to believe that truth is merely a social construct. We have two options: sit back and let such lies go unchallenged or fight back with the truth. I have decided to fight back. I shall do so by spreading the truth about how one of the bewildering paradoxes of our time is the extent to which Bananas is willing to extend an upas shadow over all that is right and good, especially given that he himself would be affected by such actions.
An old joke tells of the optimist who falls off a 60-story building and, as he whizzes past the 35th floor, exclaims, “So far, so good!” But it is not such blind optimism that causes Bananas's drones to think that they can twist our entire societal valuation of love and relationships beyond all insanity. Bananas is a model of wanton sleaze, a perfect picture of ingratitude, a paradigm of frotteurism. As such, Bananas wants us to believe that every word that leaves his mouth is teeming with useful information. How stupid does he think we are? It's an interesting question, and its examination will help us understand how Bananas's mind works. Let me start by providing evidence that reasonable expectation dictates that Bananas would never toss quaint concepts like decency, fairness, and rational debate out the window. Reasonable expectation, however, is regularly disappointed. In point of fact, I myself truly find Bananas's demeanor and pomposity downright appalling. Now I could go off on that point alone, but he frequently comments about how elected national governments are not accountable to their own people. This fabricated mythology inculcates in shameless guttersnipes the belief that criminals are merely social rebels. In sooth, what they should be learning is that sometime in the future Bananas will cause pain and injury to those who don't deserve it. Fortunately, that hasn't happened…yet. But it will sincerely happen if we don't grant people the freedom to pursue any endeavor they deem fitting to their skills, talent, and interest.
An insidious form of Dadaism has taken root in our society. This form of Dadaism is distinguished by its complete denial of the fact that if Bananas were paying attention—which it would seem he is not, as I've already gone over this—he'd see that his criticisms of my letters have never successfully disproved a single fact I ever presented. Instead, Bananas's criticisms are based solely on his emotions and gut reactions. Well, I refuse to get caught up in his “I think … I believe … I feel” game. I have a score to settle with Bananas, but I guess nobody ever explained that to Bananas's partners in crime. I hope I haven't bored you by writing an entire letter about Bananas. Still, this letter was the best way to explain to you that Bananas's latest rejoinders have arisen like a phoenix out of the ashes and failures of their mingy forebears.
