stuff out the sword and use it to kill enemies by infecting them with the laced feces on the sword
in order to do this, you must press your ass against the enemy and stuff it out with the force of a thousand kings
once you grab the sword after killing the enemy, whip out your 2' rooster and carefully cut and stretch the foreskin, effectively making a bandage. if the wound is capable of being seen by the human eye, wrap the foreskin around the wound and stab it into place with the remainders of the sword
do the ancient ritual of Az'kthuul, Blood God, and slit your wrists in the middle of a bloodied pentagram, and sacrifice the tame slime by petting it softly and then RAMMING YOUR loving SWORD UP ITS ASS, which should, by theory, grant you the powers of a blood god and you will be able to get decent endgame sword